Finding Frannie...

Wedding fever!

2010-07-12T14:42:00.000-07:00

Hi all! Sorry to have disappeared for over a month (!!!). I've been busy -- got two new jobs (within a week of each other), and been doing some wedding planning, and taking some super-fast-paced summer courses.

Things have been... eh, as far as weight goes. Some people (*cough*my boyfriend*cough*) lose a bunch of weight when they get super busy. I, apparently, have the opposite problem, which is crazy to me because I feel more active and like I'm eating less. SO. I'm working on getting that back under control, but it's amazing how quickly it can fluctuate, huh?

Funny thing, I usually don't get requests for guest posts or reviewing products or whatever. But, now that I haven't checked in? Several emails. Weird, huh?

Anyway, I'm actually in the middle of work, but I've been meaning to come say hi. I have a wedding blog which will be updated at least every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday (I can say this for sure, because I pre-write posts and schedule them for those days!). It's way more exciting (lots of pictures! personal stories!). Buuut.... I don't want to post the address here because it does have some more personal stuff. However, there are many of you that I love so if you would be interested in reading that kind of thing, shoot me an email (finding-dot-frannie-at-gmail-dot-com) or leave yours in the comments and I'll send you the address.

That doesn't mean that I'm totally abandoning this blog, but... I don't seem to be doing a good job at updating it regularly.

I hope you're all enjoying your summer!

Cardioke, weddings, cancer

2010-05-25T08:02:00.000-07:00

So. You know Billy Blanks, right? Tae-Bo? He has a son, Billy Blanks, Jr., who apparently is less into martial arts and more into dance and singing. So, he has his own set of videos, called Cardioke. Mostly they're a bunch of dance moves, but then there's bits where you're supposed to sing while you do the moves so you can build your stamina. It's got the words on the bottom of the screen and everything, just like if you were singing karaoke.

Not sure yet how I feel about them. I saw them on ExerciseTV, which is great because, yay, free videos. But, I only have access to them in my bedroom, and there is NO ROOM in my bedroom for exercising. So it's basically just me previewing them to see if I want to buy them. If you like dancy cardio videos, though, which I do when I'm in the mood, then they look pretty fun. I will say, though, that there's a heavier girl on there who's wearing the kind of workout shirt all the skinny girls usually wear (you know, the belly-baring, barely-cover-anything sort), which is fine, except that, being a bigger girl, she's got boobs and there's a whole lot of bouncing going on (bouncing moves, I mean, but that leads to other things bouncing). As a girl with boobs, it just seems like that would be a little uncomfortable...

Anyway, things have been going well here, just busy. Summer courses that are kicking my butt because oh-my they are tough, and I finally decided to pull the lead out on my wedding planning because I was doing well and then I kind of just.... stopped? For some reason? So, I realized I needed to get back on it. And, progress I have been making!

On the grandma/cancer front, things are... going? I guess? She thought she was going to be able to get surgery and (hopefully) be rid of her cancer, but then found out that it's very deep, so the surgery would put her down for a few months, which, seeing as how she's 91, is not a good thing. So, we're on to the next option. There's a medication that we're trying to get her approved for. It's supposed to cost her $5,000 a month, which she doesn't have, so the doctors are working on getting her on some program where it would be much, much cheaper. She also has an appointment next week to find out about radiation.

The good news in all of this is she found out that it hasn't migrated beyond the one spot on her lung and it's still relatively young and slow-growing, so if she can get the medication plus radiation she'd have a good chance. Now it's just a matter of finding out if they can get the medication down to a price we can afford.

Things are weird on the weight-loss front. My stomach measurements have been going down, but my weight is going up which, as heavy as I am, even if I am gaining muscle it shouldn't be going up. Maybe stalling, but not going up. So, I've decided to ignore it for a short while and see where it is in a week or two because it is obviously confused!

Anyhoo, I'm exhausted so I'm actually going to go try to sneak in an hour nap before I start my day, but I've been meaning to put up a post for a while now so I figured I'd get to it while I was thinking about it. Have a lovely day!

Survey says....

2010-05-04T19:15:00.000-07:00

Knowing you have asthma? Rocks. Having asthma, maybe not so much, but if you have to have it, 'tis better to know, I've decided.

Tonight was the second scheduled run since picking up my inhaler and 8,000 meds. I didn't know running could be so relatively easy. Don't get me wrong, it's still a tough workout and all, but I don't feel like I'm going to die anymore. I've been waffling around with the idea of running a 1/2 marathon in December as a "Happy 30th Birthday" gift to myself, but I just wasn't sure if I would make it. Yes, it's seven months away, but you have no idea how slow my progress was, and how labored my breathing was, and based on that I honestly didn't know that seven months would be enough time. But now I feel like there's a real chance I could do it.

Did I just say that? Yes, yes I did.

I'm going to put off registering for a month just to make sure my progress starts to pick up like I expect it will, and also to talk to my doctor and make sure this is an OK idea (my follow-up appointment is in a month) but I cannot tell you how happy I am. I feel like a new person. Like I told my boyfriend (fiance'? Years of him being my boyfriend, it's hard to suddenly change the term.), it was so frustrating for me to try so hard and not see as much progress as I thought I reasonably should, so if I could start to see progress? Oh me, oh my. I will be unstoppable. :)

I've noticed something recently -- whenever I have an issue, I assume it's somehow my fault rather than trying to discover what the underlying cause is. Last year when I was always exhausted and taking several naps throughout the day, I just assumed it was because I was lazy and that was how it was going to be. Then I discovered my thyroid was way outta' whack, got on meds to get it back on track, and suddenly I had more energy than I knew what to do with. Now, I assumed I had breathing problems just because I was fat and out of shape, and it's harder to breathe when you're out of shape. But, in reality, the breathing problems were because of my whacked out lungs. (Random aside: The main reason I bought a treadmill a while ago is actually because it was really embarrassing to be on the treadmill at the gym, run a minute (or whatever) at a pretty slow pace, and be wheezing like I'd just finished a marathon in record time. Today, I ran at a faster pace than I normally do - a pace I'd actually consider a run, not a jog - and I was able to maintain that pace my entire session, and I still wasn't wheezing.)

Have you ever had something relatively small happen that just changes your perspective on everything? I feel like this is going to turn into one of those moments, because I haven't felt this confident in myself in a while. Since I (barely) finished that first mile so long ago, actually, and before that who knows. Seeing progress makes the world go 'round when it comes to working out, so lack of progress can be a dangerous thing, at least for me. Why continue to do something if you aren't going to get better at it, right? That lack of progress is why I was so hit-or-miss for the last several weeks. But now? I finish a workout and I'm ready to keep going, instead of needing to lie down for a while (which is what I used to have to do after my jogs). Now I realize I can actually move forward, which I was having doubts about. Seriously, I feel like a brand new person.

Brand new person, who's planning on running a 1/2 marathon to ring in her 30th birthday. That's kind of a scary thought, but I'm extremely excited. I hope the next month goes well so I can get the OK!

So, I want to hear your good news. Leave a comment, or post in your blog, and tell me what awesome thing you've discovered lately.

In the mean time, I'm going to go get another workout in. =D

Finally I know why I can't breathe

2010-05-01T15:14:00.000-07:00

This hasn't been my healthiest year ever, I must say. I've always been relatively healthy -- maybe a little fat, and I have some joint issues -- but mostly healthy. However, just over a year ago is when I found out I have thyroid issues, last August I suddenly developed allergies, and yesterday I found out I have asthma. Ay yi yi.

I'm not too upset about the asthma. I'm actually kind of excited because I always thought to myself how ridiculous it is that I wheeze so bad when I run. I assumed it was because I was out of shape, despite training so often, so I'm really curious to see how this new information will affect me. I guess the asthma isn't bad so I'm really not worried about it, it's just come up lately because all the wind in our valley has really made my allergies bad, which brought the asthma out a bit. Really the only time I notice it is the wheezing when running, and occasional wheezing at other times. He gave me an inhaler to puff before I run, though, so we'll see if it helps. My next jog is scheduled for tomorrow.

I've got some medications to take for a little while (seriously, I'm getting a taste of my future if I'm an unhealthy adult, and I DON'T LIKE IT! I have six different medications I'm supposed to be taking every day right now), and then I go back in a month to see how things are progressing. Luckily half these medications are only for about 10 days because I hate taking pills. I'm really hoping this helps, though, because I have been getting more and more miserable all around (the congestion, the pressure, the breathing). I thought, and still think, it's mostly the wind, but seeing as how the wind's been around for weeks now, I apparently can't count on it going away any time soon. It's not even in the weather report anymore, which is a bad sign methinks. Is it this constantly windy anywhere else? I don't remember the wind hanging out for this long in the past, so I'm not happy about it.

Anyhoo, I have tons to do but thought I'd check in with a health report! Till next time...

I'm ready for the weekend!

2010-04-30T00:18:00.000-07:00

I couldn't be more over life right now. Srsly. Not over it in the suicidal sense, over it in the "Will it ever get back to normal?" sense. Will it? Please?

As far as food and exercise, things have been improving muchly. The bike riding not so much because the stupid wind won't stop blowing, but I got my workout room cleaned and have returned to a bit of my exercise (running and weights and balance). Not all of it because we had visitors who were sleeping in that room so I could only use it sometimes, but I tried which is an improvement. I probably shouldn't jump right back into full boar mode anyway since that's asking for an injury, so it's probably a good thing since I tend to dive in head first.

I finally weighed myself yesterday, and I've actually maintained that three pound gain I had forever ago, so I'm still happy with that since it's no more. I thought for sure the crap food entering my system would have changed that, and it did temporarily, but as soon as I got back to more water, less sodium, the excess immediately went away. So now I only have those extra three pounds and then I'm back to where I left off. That helps. With all the other crap going on, I was really dreading how much I would have gained.

Another finally, I finally made an appointment to see my doctor about my breathing issues. I really hope he can tell me something grand, because I'm sick of not being able to breath. It's been off and on, but with all the wind this last week or two, I feel like I'm permanently stuffed up!

We had one of grandma's appointments today. A test which should determine how much the cancer is spread (I don't know if I mentioned last time that it's my grandma with the cancer--I was a bit scatter brained so probably not), so I'm crossing my fingers and hoping for good news. She'll know in about a week, and then from there we'll find out more about surgery and stuff. I'm getting really annoyed with some people I know in real life. I hate false sympathy, and I also hate people who assume that because a person is old their life is worth less. It's amazing to me how many people have insinuated or straight out said that because of my grandma's age she shouldn't bother doing anything about the cancer. What? Why? It would be a very sad day for me if my grandma gave up on herself like that. I'm proud to say she wants to fight, thank you very much.

On the school front, finals are here next week. That is beyond insane to me. I can't believe I'm almost down another semester. Unfortunately because of everything that's happened in the past few weeks, I've been a bit of a slacker, therefore my grades have suffered ever so slightly. Nothing major, basically it just means I won't be able to boast another 4.0. It'll still be good, though, so I can't complain (though the perfectionist in me is disappointed).

Anyhoo, my doctor's appointment is early and I'm exhausted so I'm heading to bed. G'night!

It's like a cancer... no wait, it is a cancer...

2010-04-25T16:51:00.000-07:00

You ever have those times where you want to blog, you really do, but you just don't know what to say? Everything seems drab and depressing, so you write a few paragraphs, delete them, try again, delete them, try again, delete and log out till another day. Well, that's me lately.

A family member has been dealing with some health problems lately, the same health problems her dad died from, so things have been tense and stressful. I just realized recently, though, that I have completely let my health fall off the map as a result of being so worried, which has just made me feel worse (the terrible stomache pains are what made me realize I've been eating like crap and I really need to go exercise). So, here we are, trying to learn how to take care of myself even when I need to take care of someone else (and yes, it is partially my responsibility to take care of this person, I'm not being dramatic). Step one is cleaning my workout room so I can use it! My parents have been visiting (because of the health thing, and another relative's wedding) and my workout room is also the guest room, so it's turned into a complete mess. I'll be doing that before I go to bed tonight, no excuses.

Tomorrow I'm waking up early to get out on my bike loop that I wanted to finish a while ago but didn't get to because I got into jogging. I want to see how much I can do right now so I have an idea of how to shape my training. Whether it's a few miles or half of it or the whole damn thing doesn't really matter, I just want to get an accurate starting point since that's still a goal I want to complete before summer.

I've got more of a plan to this taking-back-your-health thing, but I just got a phone call and need to go so I'll get into more details later. It involves blogging more, I promise! :)

Love and marriage, love and marriage....

2010-04-01T00:30:00.000-07:00

So, all ye ladies who have planned a wedding should totally throw advice my way, either in the comments or in email. I'm EXCITED but I almost feel like I don't know what to do first. I feel like it's too early to do things (just over a year out). When is a good time to start? Seriously, right now I have my invitations ready (not printed, obviously, since once we decide on the place I have to get it approved by the Irish government, but they are designed and waiting for text). My "Save the Dates" are done. We have a new photographer chosen. I want to wait a little while to go dress shopping, at least till I get to a 16 (or end of summer, whichever comes first... y'know, in case I get lazy on this weight loss thing, though I hope to kick my ass back in gear soon), but I have a perfect dress picked out, so I just need to make sure the vision in my head matches with reality. Rings are in process (we're ordering them from an Irish-approved artisan based out of Dublin-yes, we're going overboard, but they're awesome and not any more expensive than if we ordered them from a local jeweler).

There's a few other things done or in process, but I seriously feel like it's all little stuff. The big stuff (other than castle approval, I'm all over that), I don't know WHEN to begin. And we're doing this on a budget (I know some of you are sniggering right now considering it's in another country, but based on my calculations it will actually be cheaper to go to Ireland because, since it's Ireland, I'm not going overboard on anything else. Before I was. Also, there's fewer mouths to feed because only our closest friends and family will be coming, whereas before it was a more open invitation) so I really want to try to get most of the planning done myself, if I can. Also, what I can do now, I'd like to do now so I can spend a little at a time rather than having to drop a whole bunch of cash all at the last minute. Know what I mean? So, I am open to any and all advice!

(And if you didn't read before since I buried it in the last post... I'm getting married! We aren't officially engaged, because my boyfriend wants to surprise me somehow, but we wanted to get on the planning since we're doing it in Ireland. So it's a weird situation, but that's us... we're weird. It's kind of just our way.)

Thank you lovely ladies, I swear I'll get back to weight loss posting some day soon. Very soon.

Stop the madness!

2010-03-30T01:23:00.000-07:00

I hate when my life gets chock full of the crazy. Example of my craziness: Sunday, I started working on something rather important that I had to get done and done right. I ended up staying up all night to work on it, literally. I went to sleep about noon THE NEXT DAY. Of course, since it was already noon, I couldn't sleep too long. Plus, I had other stuff to do. So I slept for just a few hours and when I woke up I started working on the research paper I had due Monday night. I was checking out the grading rubric to make sure I didn't forget anything when I found out the article we were reviewing was supposed to be a certain type of article. What?? That was nowhere in the instructions! So, I had to start all over and find a new article (which was a pain in the ass because it had to be from a peer-reviewed journal, and normally to get the full text you have to go to your college library, but my library was closed so I had to deal with the limited options from online) and then speed write it to get it in on time. Ay yi yi.

So here we are, well after midnight, and I'm wide awake because I've only been up a relatively few hours (I think I woke up around 4:00?) I was going to go take a shower and attempt to go to sleep, but I figured I'd take advantage of the opportunity to update this blog first.

I feel like continuing to complain because I am FRAZZLED, but let's not go there.

The weight loss front: Things have stalled, thanks to the aforementioned frazzling (and a previously mentioned back injury). But I'm not gaining, so I'm not complaining too much right now considering I'm not paying enough attention to what I'm eating (I don't even know the last time I bought groceries -- I've basically been living off of canned food, which as you know has tons of sodium) and my activity level has gone way down (time spent at desk has gone way up). I do need to update my sidebar sometime soon, though.

When the shit storm comes (as it inevitably does from time to time), it's always so easy for me to get disappointed in not sticking with my plan 100%, or, even worse, just not making a plan. I'm far from the "what's the point" stage, but I'm definitely disappointed that I haven't been making time for meal planning and regular exercise. In addition to the school thing, and the work thing, I have a new thing... A little secret of mine.... (I'm getting married).

Maybe this announcement should be at the top of my blog where I can sing it from the blogger rooftops, but I think I'm still in shock so I haven't been making a big deal out of it. Plus, as I've told my boyfriend, I'm not officially accepting his proposal until he "gets it right." (I give that poor boy hell, I'm glad he puts up with me) It's weird, though, because we just kind of started planning before he actually asked (hence the "getting it right" thing... it's not like he got down on one knee and proposed, or like I have an official engagement ring. It's coming, but I think I'll have to wait a little while now because he wants it to be a surprise). Is it normal to plan the wedding before you're engaged? Probably not, but we've never been normal. And we've been together for a few years, so, y'know, there's that. Plus, we're kind of going overboard so we really need to start planning now. We're very proud of our Irish heritage, so we're having an Irish wedding. In Ireland. In a castle. We have the date set and everything, all we need now is to get engaged!

The upside of this: More motivation to lose weight (though it probably won't kick in right away, because we're not getting married for another year--but did you know dresses are more expensive if you're larger than a 16? I did not, though I guess it makes sense because of the extra fabric). The downside: I have been going crazy trying to get the details sorted as soon as possible. The Ireland thing was a recent change, so I need to re-figure how much things are going to cost (before I had somewhat of an idea because we were going to get married in California, so I knew how much the venue, the photographer, the cake, etc., would be. But obviously that's all got to change). We also never had a date set before, so I don't have all the money saved up, so I need to figure out if we're good or if I need to start saving more aggressively. SO, in addition to going crazy over work and school, I've also been researching my wedding like a crazy woman. I tend to obsess over things like that, which doesn't help.

So, anyway, I have plans to turn that obsession around to my favor so I can get my ass back to work (health-wise). I still want to try to reach goal by the end of the year, despite my recent almost-month of crappy. It's not going to be easy, but I still want to work toward it and get as close as possible. It's going to require some reconfiguring of dates, though, which I plan to do soon, once I can sit down with a calendar and actually figure out what it's going to take.

Having said that, I just noticed I'm actually very tired (it just hit me all at once a few paragraphs up) so I am off to SLEEP. I was supposed to work one of my new part-time jobs in the morning but apparently his wife got wind of it so I don't have to go in now, which is awesome because I need to catch up on sleep. (The wife: Long story short, she's crazy - literally, fresh out of the institution and everything - and very controlling, which is a bad combination. So, since he made the decision to have me help a couple days a week without consulting her, she's pissed. FYI, this isn't a jealousy issue, as far as I know. Apparently it's because she doesn't feel he has the money to pay me, and she seems to think he's paying me big bucks, and she'd rather scream than listen to facts.)

Goodnight, all!

I love Spring

2010-03-24T01:16:00.000-07:00

Seriously. Awesome. It's been in the 70s for a while now, and I have been loving it. We've been hiking and camping and quad-riding and all kinds of other stuff. That's the upside. The downside is I've had some crazy back pain so my exercising has been minimal. I don't even really know what happened, to be honest. All the sudden it just started hurting one night, to the point that I had to grab a heating pad to get it to calm down enough that I could fall asleep. The next morning it took two hours to get out of bed because it hurt so bad. Blech. But it seems to be feeling better for the most part (we went camping, sleeping in a tent, and I was mostly fine when I woke up), so hopefully I'll be able to get back into my full routine soon.

Fun picture for you:

If you're wondering why my little leprechaun looks weird, I blurred the top half of his face because, as always, I'm not sure if he really wants his face posted on my blog. If you didn't guess, this was us celebrating St Paddy's Day. Apologies for the carpet, it's kind of a Vegas thing.

We went to Fremont Street at the end of the night (normally we avoid Vegas at all costs, but they were having lots of events for cheap) and we were kind of like local celebrities. We took at least two dozen pictures with people, plus people were taking pics of us as we walked by, like our personal paparazzi. It was seriously kind of hilarious, and totally fun. The outfit was maybe not the most flattering, and you know what? I didn't even care. I was all about just having fun and not being paranoid about if I look fat, which was a total departure from last year. The idea of it was super fun and cute, so that was all I needed. And yes, his beard is au naturel. He's an Irish boy, can you tell?

I started my spring cleaning this morning. I did pretty good, actually. Far from finished, but very productive when all was said and done. I'm really not much of a cleaner lately (I go through phases ranging from neat freak to slob), so I was pretty happy with it. The one thing I was disappointed about is that I finally started organizing my CDs and rerecording them to my computer. Things were going really well and I was getting a good start. I'm putting them on an external hard drive because I have TONS of CDs, and the damn thing just stopped working. It's practically new and it just quit. That kind of put me in a funk so I didn't get much else done after.

Alrighty, well I must go to bed, but I hope all is well! I'll be back soon, with any luck. :)

AWOL

2010-03-12T15:57:00.000-08:00

But I'm back! Sorry for the extended break. I kept thinking, "I need to blog. I need to blog." But, alas, that hasn't happened. Obviously. Things have been crazy here. In preparation for spring break, I've had a TON of stuff to do for my classes, plus the eight million tests I spoke of before. I was getting to the point that I had so much going on I was forgetting important things from time to time (even though they were on my calendar) so I thought I better step back from some of my obligations for a short while. Hence, the break.

I'm here now, though! This won't be a comprehensive check-in because I like to keep my weigh-in day consistent (Wednesday) and I didn't weigh in that day, but other than that I thought I'd give an update on my Perfect 10 goals since this is the final week. Can you believe we're 10 weeks into the new year?? I can't. Anyhoo, here they are:

1. Lose 15 pounds. Close, but not quite. Since I didn't weigh myself I don't have an "official" number, but I can say I was well on my way, but I let a little too much go these past two weeks so I sabotaged myself right at the end. How disappointing. I've lost MOST of it, though, so it's alright. I just need to get back to it and I'll be fine.

2. Walk/Jog 2+ hours per week. I've been trying, but I've been having some major issues with an old injury these past two weeks so things have been put on hold, more than I like. I'm actually not even sure I'll be able to participate in a 5k I was planning on doing tomorrow. :( It was suggested to me I break for a few days, though, and those days have ended, so once I finish this post I'm going to go see how my foot/ankle is feeling. Overall, though, I think I was pretty consistent about completing this goal.

3. Complete the first two phases of CLX. I'm sooo close. I started this a little later than I should have in order to finish on time (whoops!), but I am still working toward it and expect to be finished with the second phase shortly.

4. Learn about and apply nutrition to my life more fully. Overall, I think I kicked butt on this goal. This past week? Not so much.

5. Make a meal plan and stick to it. See #4. Overall good, lately not so much.

6. Log what I eat 5+ days per week. Same story.

7. Get to sleep by midnight 5+ days per week. Okay, this has probably been my biggest challenge the whole 10 weeks. But lately I really feel like I'm finally doing better! This is also the one thing I've really been excelling at this past week or two. Some days the time might be closer to 1 a.m., but that's still an earlier average than when I started (now it's midnight-1 a.m., and I was averaging about 4:30-6 a.m. as a bed time). It may be silly, but right now I think this is the one I'm most excited about! Especially because it's been fairly consistent lately, and I've actually been TIRED, I haven't had to force myself to sleep with pills. I'd still like to make it even earlier, but I'm now confident that will come with time!

Something about me: There is a reason I'm a procrastinator when it comes to writing papers for school or work. It's called being a perfectionist. This doesn't make sense to some people, but here's the story: I'm a major perfectionist when it comes to some things, such as when I'm designing something for someone (I will tweak and refine for hours after it appears to be good to a normal person), or when I'm writing (the stuff I get paid for or for school... this blog is my one place where I can write crap and not feel bad about it). The problem is that I would spend SO MUCH time redoing what I had written that I would basically drive myself crazy. I would lose sleep because I'd be up in the wee hours of the morning perfecting. I at one time put my relationship in a bind because I was always at work, perfecting. So, I started procrastinating. And a beautiful thing happened. I might plan beforehand and do my research and whatnot, but I wouldn't actually write until the last possible minute. Then, when I was done, I'd have time to do one quick read-through in order to fix any glaring errors, and that was it. I couldn't spend any more time on it because it was due (to my professor, to my editor, to whomever). Suddenly, I was spending less time freaking out, I was getting more sleep, and I wasn't obsessing. It was a lovely world. The down-side of this, of course, is that now I'll have weeks to finish something and I won't do it until the last possible minute which can carry its own stress if I don't give myself enough time at the last minute or if something else comes up. But, hey, it usually works out for me, so I deal. Maybe some day I'll be able to find a happy medium. (I actually consider this blog a good step toward that since I usually hit "publish post" without much editing. Sure, I'm not super proud of most of the stuff I write, it's not as entertaining as it could be, but I don't stress either. It's a step in the right direction!)

Let's see, other news? I had two people pass on the sunshine award to me, so I will definitely be passing those on soon! Not right now because I'm antsy to go work out before it gets any later (sorry!) but that will be my next post.

OH. AND. One of the other things I've been busy with has been acting as an assistant to my boyfriend for some of his side jobs. He used to have one of his friends help him but his friend is ungrateful, first of all, and second he's a pain in the ass because he doesn't have his own vehicle, so my boyfriend would have to go out of his way to pick the guy up, then drive him out to the job, then stop in the middle of his job to drive the guy to the other side of town to go to school (he takes a class on Saturdays, when 90% of my boyfriend's side jobs are), then drive all the way back to the job to finish. Then, he'd often be guilted into giving the guy a bigger cut of the money than he deserved. So, I finally told him "Hey, how about I help you (growing up, my dad owned a construction business and I often helped him, so I'm an experienced assistant). I don't have anything important to do, I won't require you to drive me anywhere out of the way, I can do anything he can do, you won't have to figure out what a fair cut of the money is (we share everything we make), and we'll be able to spend the time together." He realized I made a good point, so we had a marathon sidework session this Saturday and Sunday (holy cow was I tired).

A long lead-in to explain the best part: Yesterday I get home and what does he have waiting for me? My very own BOSU! And, he rocks way more than he even meant to, because he got the one with the videos I wanted (purely by accident--I never mentioned that part because I always planned on buying it myself). For those who are newer to my blog, I have wanted a BOSU for a while (I used to love using it when I had a gym membership), but talked myself into waiting till next fall when I'd need to work on balance (because nothing will stop me from snowboarding next season). I guess he noticed how much I really wanted one and he wanted to thank me for all the help this weekend, so... surprise BOSU! Very excited. That's actually why I'm so antsy to get to my workout. I was too tired last night to jump on it when I got home, so I plan on doing it right now. FUN!

Having said that, I'm off to use the BOSU. (Oh, btw, I learned something... apparently the ones at my gym were always underinflated. It's supposed to be inflated so that, when flipped upside down, the base is 10 inches up. Mine were NEVER that high. Good to know!) And run. And whatever else I have the energy for. :)

Week 8 goals

2010-02-24T16:06:00.000-08:00

OK. So, first, sorry I am so sucking with the commenting lately. I've tried to get one out there every once in a while but, mostly? Not so much. I assure I am attempting to keep up with the reading, though!

Let's start with the weigh-in, shall we?

THIS WEEK: -2 lbs

Yay! Happy dance. This puts me a pound away from being the lightest I can remember being since my boyfriend and I started dating (not what I weighed when we started dating, though... that's another 10-ish pounds down the road. This is from after I gained the weight).

I don't know what the issue is here, but Blogger is driving me NUTS so this might be a short post. Every time I hit enter to go to the next paragraph, it goes to the beginning of the current paragraph, or just to some random point in the sentence. WTF??

Goals:

1) Lose 15 pounds. I'm officially 12 down and only 3 to go. So close! And, what, two weeks left? I think?

2) Walk/Jog 2+ hours per week. Success!

3) Complete the first two phases of CLX. Getting there, though I think my finish date will actually be a few days after the actual 10 weeks. Close enough for me, though.

4) Learn about and apply nutrition to my life more fully. I don't really feel like I did anything actively toward this goal this week, but I did eat fairly well (with the exception of some chocolate) and managed to make a few "Crap I forgot to shop, let me throw something healthy together" meals, which is a success for me (normally if I forget to shop I just have junk).

5) Make a weekly meal plan and stick to it. With the exception of those days I forgot to shop, I did this. Actually, I guess I shouldn't say forgot to shop. Forgot to re-shop is the actual problem. I went shopping but there were a few things that store didn't have, so I was supposed to go to another store to pick them up. And forgot.

6) Log what I eat 5+ days per week. I started off strong, but did not finish strong. No 5 days for me. :(

7) Sleep, glorious sleep. If you ignore yesterday, I did very well on this goal this week. Not necessarily midnight every night, but close most nights. So very nice to get to bed at a relatively normal time....!

I must cut this short (in addition to the annoyance factor, I didn't realize how late it was!), but I'll be back ASAP for more!

ETA: I had to rush off and forgot to tell you something about me!

I haven't ever been what you would call a natural athlete. Always wanted to be, but never was. However, when I was about 13 I started playing roller hockey and absolutely loved it. I was the first person on the team to master shooting the puck (by "master" I mean, lifting it off the ground and mostly aiming it, as opposed to just slapping it across the floor in the general direction of the net). Because I was actually strong and most of the other girls were quite frail (they were the girlfriends of the boys' team) I played defense. It's the only team sport I ever played in middle or high school, and I was in a small town so I only got to play for a short time because then our skating rink shut down. Random related fact: When I was first learning to Rollerblade, I remember watching Olympic ice skating to learn technique. That's actually how I learned to cross one leg over the other when I turned, for starters. I picked up quite a bit from watching that.

Bloggerhood - final update!

2010-02-22T19:26:00.000-08:00

Hey Bloggerhood! Remember me?! I had some lovely 16s sent my way and two months to squeeze my booty into them... Starting in October. Time flies when you’re traveling, which both Jenn and I did lots of (first me, then her), so we’re finally getting around to passing these on (Jenn will set it up soon, so keep an eye on the Bloggerhood site if you're interested in shrinking out of a pair of 16s!). If you weren't around back them, I was chosen to shrink out of a size 16 pair of jeans as part of the Bloggerhood project. My goal, though, was to shrink into them by my birthday. I ended up not being as close to fitting in them as I hoped, and couldn't even button them the day they arrived in my mail.

First, let me tell you how things went... In a word (or two), I’d say the original two month period was “not well.” The pants definitely inspired me to try, but mentally I just wasn’t ready for it (I had literally just started on my journey, and apparently I hadn’t really made the commitment to myself yet). I did fine at first, but starting around Thanksgiving I found every excuse in the book to not exercise regularly and not eat well consistently, and it showed... every pound I lost in that first month came back, plus a couple (it was the holidays!). I started over in January, though, and have managed to work hard ever since. The weight isn’t flying off by any means, but it’s consistently going down, which I’m great with. I’ve already lost every pound I had gained and a couple more.

I hadn’t tried on the pants since December 15, which was my original deadline, but I wasn’t expecting much. Back then I still couldn’t button them, and I’m not that much smaller now (I’m still wearing the same size 20s). But, to my surprise, they slid on just fine and buttoned up. Granted, I’ve got some muffin top that I’m not comfortable with so it’s not like I’d wear them out or anything, but they buttoned up! Apparently I should be moving down to at least an 18, huh?

Apologies for not having a better before picture, but my camera broke just before the pants arrived so I had to use my low-quality camera phone initially. Here’s the comparison, though:

I honestly can’t see a difference, but obviously there must be something going on since they fit now. I’ve been doing a lot of weight lifting and cardio, so maybe the weight has shifted just enough? I don’t know, but I won’t question it. The proof is in the fit, and the fact that I’m so close to fitting into them now is just further motivation to keep on working! I’m sorry to see them go now that I'm so close, but I’m glad I was able to reach my initial goal, which was to button them up (even if I had a muffin top). It’s a little late, but better late than never!

The pants are a definite inspiration, so even if you're not a size 16 I hope you'll head over there. There's currently giveaways for 18s and 24s going on.

Best. Day. Ever.

2010-02-21T03:18:00.000-08:00

Guess what I did earlier tonight?

I RAN A MILE.

NONSTOP.

FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE.

I could not be more excited! Seriously, all through school all I ever wanted was to be "normal" and finish that stupid mile. Never made it without walking, and some years I wasn't even allowed to try because of my knee and back problems.

In college? Never made it without walking.

After college? Didn't even try.

Today? I KICKED THAT MILE'S ASS.

And I will proudly admit that the closer I got, the bigger the stupid smile on my face got. And it didn't leave through the entire cool down.

Over in the column on the right is a little section titled, "Someday I Will..."

Consider "Run a mile" officially checked off!!!

Watch out, world, I'm comin' for ya!

I ran a whole mile, I ran a whole mile, I ran a whole mile....

It's that time again...

2010-02-18T12:07:00.000-08:00

Time for check in! Then off to take a test. I have one more next week and then hopefully things will be back to normal. I'm really glad I locked myself into blogging only one day a week, because lately I haven't been doing much more than that.

Anyhoo, so first I posted a couple days ago saying I may have made it to my first goal (losing 10 lbs by Valentine's Day)... to follow-up, I did, but I chose to eat some not-so-goodness for the holiday, so I'm not counting it since the weight rebounded up so easy. It was just barely there. Instead, I'm making it official with this week's weigh-in (since I was happily staring at the same number yesterday). Having said that:

Total loss this week: -2 lbs.

I'm not at all upset about making it official three days late. Those numbers I came up with were just guidelines, so that fact that I've been busy as all get out lately and I can still stay relatively close to those guidelines makes me happy.

Other things that make me happy: The pain I'm feeling in my abs. I'm all about training the abs, and I try to do it regularly, but gah, for some reason I have the weakest dang muscles. Which is extra annoying because I didn't used to. The other problem, besides struggling through every ab workout, was that afterwards I didn't feel like it was all that good of a workout. My muscles just really weren't feeling sore.

However, every 30 days I mix up my whole schedule (do exercises on different days, and then change the individual exercises up somehow, maybe throw something new in there... you get the point) and for some reason, wow I'm feeling them now!!! I don't know if it's because of the change (my whole body has been pretty sore) or if there's something else going on there, but I'm really feeling it. Everywhere. I'm happy with that, though. That must mean I'm finally making a break through in that department, which is long overdue!

Anyhoo, let's get on with the goals:

1. Lose 15 lbs
   Coming along! 10 down, five to go, and, what, three weeks left? It'll be close! I average 1.5 pounds per week and I'm half a pound behind, so I just need to have two normal weeks and one kick-ass week where I lose an extra half pound and I'll be good. :)

2. Ride the 35-mile bike loop near my house.
   I'm officially taking this goal off. I was really worried about how not-ready I was going to be for the 5k coming up in a week and a half (for the newbies, the bike goal was on hold because I randomly decided to train for a 5k), so I pushed it back for a couple weeks. Which works out really well, because first I get two more weeks of training, and second, this one is St. Patrick's Day themed! And my boyfriend and I love us some St. Patty's Day - we have costumes and everything. So, we're going to wear versions of our costumes to run in. I'm so excited! Anyhoo, because the Perfect 10 is only a 10 week challenge, that means this will be off the list, but I still plan to work on it once I get my first 5k in.

3. Walk/Jog 2+ hours per week.
   This is coming along swimmingly. I'm actually thinking of adding some more walking in between my training days.

4. Complete the first two phases of CLX.
   Again, swimmingly. I've been working on the second phase (for those who don't know, CLX is a weight-training based program by Chalene Johnson), and as I mentioned before, my muscles are feeling it! I love muscle soreness.

5. Learn about and apply nutrition to my life more fully.
   Yes! I love my class more and more. I won't do it with this post since it's already long, but in the next day or two I'm going to get on here with the info about one of my assignments, which I think is extremely helpful. Especially because everyone assumes they need a multivitamin, when in reality taking one could be toxic for some of us (I am, I found out, in the "potentially toxic" group). I'll put more info on this soon, though. And I'm not down on the multivitamin; just as I definitely don't need it, some people definitely do. A few months ago I definitely did. That's why I think this is a good thing for people to do, because it'll help you figure out which category you're in.

6. Make a weekly meal plan and stick to it.
   I did good this week! Things didn't go off plan too much, which is glorious.

7. Log what I eat 5+ days per week.
   I'm a slacker on this one. But I've brought my log book out and have put it front and center so that when I eat, I'll see it and remember, "Oh yeah, I need to log my food."

8. Go to bed before midnight 5+ days per week.
   Ay yi yi. Well, I will tell you last night was the closest I had come all week (asleep before 1). I've been thinking lately that it's kind of embarassing for me to post this each week, since each week I fail and some of you are probably wondering what's the problem. Well, I don't know. That's the best answer I have for you. When you've been doing something the same way for as many years as I have (even when I was younger I couldn't get to sleep early - my parents would have me go to bed and I would lay in bed and stare at the stars until they faded... because back then I had glow in the dark stars on my ceiling), I guess it's tough to quit. I think, though, that I might set a reminder alarm on my phone for, like, 11 or something so I can finish up what I'm doing and get into bed, because I lose track of time like it's nobody's business. I'll report back next week how that works for me... :)

Something you didn't know about me... well, here's something only my boyfriend and my parents know. Not because I'm hiding it, but because it's random. I recently got a prescription for glasses for the first time in my life (got it just before my 29th birthday). The thing is, I only need to wear them when my eyes are tired. I have near-perfect vision, but it turns out I have an astigmatism in one eye (which is why it's near-perfect and not perfect). For those who don't know, astigmatism is generally present from birth and a minor one (such as mine) won't require correction, which I'm guessing is why it was never noticed or at least not mentioned before (I can still read every line of the eye chart without glasses). But I knew there was something funky with my eye on days it was tired (how did I figure this out? Taking a DMV vision test when I was tired. Greeeeeaaaat....), so I described it to my doctor and we were able to figure it out. The glasses don't make much of a difference with the sight, but they do make a difference with how tired my eye feels. Normally, when I'd wake up with tired eyes, I'd have to take a mid-afternoon nap, not because I was particularly tired or needed it, but because my eye had been working overtime and needed to close for a while. Now, though, I just put on my glasses until it perks up and I'm fine. Weird, huh? I thought about it because I'm wearing them right now.

Olympics and goals (eeep!)

2010-02-13T21:10:00.000-08:00

I had no clue curling was really an olympic sport. I vaguely remember hearing about it once a while ago (probably the last winter olympics?) but I think I filed it away as a joke. But the captain of the Canadian team claims it is a real sport, and not just part of the Olympics because it always has been. (OK, that last emphasis might be mine). But obviously several somebodies (or an important somebody) agree seeing as how it's still an Olympic sport, so OK. Curling. Huh.

Also, see that picture? How is this physically possible? How can he maintain that body position on slick ice and not have his skate slip out from underneath him? Apparently I need to brush up on my physics because, seriously? Mind officially boggled (that's Apolo Ohno, by the way, who won a silver in his first event today).

So for the record, I love the Olympics, especially winter. I don't know why but I get excited about a lot more winter sports than summer sports. One of the things that encouraged me to start working out so much (aka, three hours per day, six days per week) 10 years ago was the fact that the place I lived was a high altitude training ground for Olympians. Not the official one, of course, but we sure had a hell of a lot of people from around the world come to train. Seeing all those people just makes you feel bad about being so lazy, to be honest. There also might have been something about a friend I had, who liked to make out, and thought haunting the gym and lusting after Olympians was a good way to spend an hour or two.... 10 years later and she's still got similar stories to make me laugh.

SO, I save my exciting news for last because I'm trying not to jump the gun on getting excited. But.... I unofficially reached my first goal of losing 10 pounds. At least, when I weighed myself this morning, that's sure what it looked like. I say I'm trying not to get excited, though, because it was on the border of there still being maybe a quarter pound left (I use a balance scale, not a digital scale). So, I figure I'll weigh myself again in the morning and see how things look.

I know I just told you I only lost 1/2 pound last week, which the observant reader would realize means I lost two pounds in three days and would then make you say, "Um, not possible." But here's the thing... My body likes to do this thing where it stocks up on water (or something) for weigh-in day so I can get a less-than-impressive number. Then, literally the next day it dumps a bunch of weight, kind of as a way to mock me, I think. Look back at my record and see how one week I lost nothing and the next week was 3.5 pounds? Well, when that 0 loss happened I weighed myself the next day and was already 1.5 or 2 pounds down (which is what I expected weigh-in day because I had worked my arse off). So really those were both normal weeks of 1.5 to 2 pound losses, they just didn't appear that way on weigh-in day. I think this is just another case of that, because I also worked hard last week.

I don't know if anyone else has this issue of weight falling off the day after weigh-in day, but I've decided it truly is my body's little joke with itself. I tend to not change the numbers, though, because I want to stick true to what I saw that Wednesday. Plus, who knows, I could gain it all back tomorrow. That's why I consider myself to have unofficially reached my goal. If tomorrow's weigh-in corroborates, I'll make it official.

On that happy note, I'm going to return to studying. Woo, woo! What better way to spend a Saturday night. (Oh wait, I could think of a few...)

I just don't get it...

2010-02-13T04:20:00.000-08:00

You know how things just sometimes disappear? Like the socks, for example. You put pairs in, and somehow a sock from one of those pairs just disappears.

I'm having one of those issues. I've been looking for the lid to my blender for days now. I have no clue what happened to it. It saddens me. I've been having to use a plate to cover the top and keep it all relatively under control. The kitchen is seriously the cleanest part of my house (being the only part of my house that I clean pretty much every day) so I truly don't understand how it could have disappeared.

Oh well. Other than that things have been going well. I forgot to mention, the weigh-in I posted Friday was actually done on Wednesday, I just didn't get to post it that day. So, it left me two pounds from my first goal (10 pounds by Feb 14), which I don't think I'm quite going to meet, but it'll be close so I'm OK with it. My deadlines are more of a guideline. I took yesterday completely off from exercise to recoup and rejuvenate, which I hadn't done in a while. I think it was much needed and well deserved, because my workouts were starting to feel... less than stellar. But today, I really feel like I was able to give it my all again. Sometimes you gotta' let your body breathe!

Speaking of that post, btw, I realized after posting it that the person hosting the challenge, Steve at logmyloss.com, is having a pretty rough time of it right now, having unexpectedly lost his dad. I can't imagine how that must feel, but Steve's always full of support and a great attitude, so if you haven't yet, maybe stop by?

With that said, I'm going to go look for my blender lid some more. Happy weekend, all!

It's Wednesday, didn't you know???

2010-02-12T11:49:00.000-08:00

It MUST be Wednesday, because Wednesday is when I check in!

Wait, it's not? Ohhh... well. Whoops! Let's pretend it is for a moment and get our weekly check-in on.

The goals:

1. Lose 15 pounds.
   Only -.5 pounds this week. I'm not thrilled with it, but it's still a negative so I'll take it. That leaves me four more weeks to lose seven more pounds.

2. Complete the 35-mile bike loop near my house.
   I'm officially putting this one on hold. My 5k is in two weeks and I've really been focusing on that, so I'll get back to this one as soon as the 5k is done.
3. Walk/Jog 2+ hours per week.
   Yes!
4. Complete the first two phases of CLX.
   Half-way there! The first phase is done.
5. Learn about and apply nutrition to my life more fully.
   Yes! This has been going well, I feel like I learned a lot this week.
6. Make a weekly meal plan and stick to it.
   Getting there. I did make a meal plan and go shopping, but I didn't do it till later in the week. Second half success? It's how you finish, right?
7. Log what I eat 5+ days per week.
   Um, I think I get a C on this. Could have been better.
8. Get to sleep by midnight 5+ days per week.
   No, but I'm getting there.

So there you have it. Overall I'm pleased with how the week went. There were a few weak spots here and there, but nothing major.

Fact about me: I call myself a crazy cat lady because, despite my age, I have crossed that bridge. I volunteer with a cat rescue group, and the way I started with them was by fostering kittens (Now I do other stuff, though). I was a kick-ass foster parent, for the record. But, the downside of loving it so much is that I would accept kittens even when I probably shouldn't have. I tried to not accept a new litter until my current litter had been rehomed, but sometimes there was overlappage. If I remember right, I think there was a time I had a total of 14 cats in my house. I also had my two dogs and a foster dog (who was so difficult because he was seriously the dumbest AND most hyper dog I've ever known--bad combination!). Zoo? Yes. If it wasn't for the foster dog, though, it wouldn't have been so bad. We had a pretty nice setup back then so you never saw more than a couple cats at a time. I miss it, but I think if I ever did it again I'd have to practice a little more restraint. Right now, though, I'm happy just having my pets and I'm happy to leave it that way for a little while.

Is it Monday already?

2010-02-08T18:01:00.000-08:00

Wow, days have been flying by lately. I think it has a lot to do with school, because it has been kicking my bootay. And I am striving to maintain my 4.0 despite how tough my classes are (don't judge me! I'd like to eventually get my doctorate, so A's are important!), so it's been taking a lot out of me. Additionally, I hate one of my jobs, so I think I'm going to quit. I've been thinking I could stick through it but it's just not worth the extra irritation. I never tell anyone how much I love that job. If I do talk about it, it's in such a way to indicate I hate it and it's stressing me out. The job was supposed to be "fun" and it obviously isn't, so what's the point? There is none. I've been sticking around for someone else's benefit, but I don't even really know who this "someone else" is anymore. Hence, I'm quitting.

Yesterday was kind of a terrible day, food wise. I definitely didn't eat enough fruits and veggies and water, and I definitely replaced it with some junk. Oh, then when I got home I was so tired I didn't do my workout. Yipes! I wasn't worried about Super Bowl because we were going to the same place we normally do, and we have seriously eaten the same thing pretty much every football Sunday, so I didn't expect yesterday to be any different. But oh was it different.

Needless to say, my weight is up today. It's kind of crazy how much one bad day can affect your weight. So, I did yesterday's workout this morning along with half my regular Monday workout, and will be doing the rest of the Monday workout shortly. I've also made sure to get lots of fruits and veggies and water today. I really am surprised by how much my weight went up, though, so I'm just hoping I can still post a loss this week (I was doing fine before yesterday!). Quick to gain, hopefully quick to lose? I really hope so, because I am so close to this stupid weight that seems to be some kind of threshold that my body is not yet willing to get past. I don't know why it's that way, but I'm over it! I want to get beyond these first 10 pounds and never deal with them again. With yesterday's goof up, I'm about 3 1/2 pounds away. Like I said, I was on the way, so I'll just have to see what happens (goal date is this upcoming Sunday). Hopefully it's just extra salt, since there's no way I ate enough for it to be extra fat.

Oh, speaking of thresholds, I did meet a good one during this morning's jog! I ran for the longest period I've ever run. VERY exciting!!! After I finished my jog, I was looking through my training plan to see if I could fit in some time to work on my speed (I'm super slow). Just for kicks, I thought I'd jump on the treadmill and do a faster speed for 90 seconds. WOW is all I can say! I'm so envious of all you people who can run at a decent pace for a steady period of time! Someday I'll be there, but in the meantime I'm the tortoise huffing and puffing in the rear... But that's OK. Walk before you crawl, jog before you run. I've literally never so much as run (jogged) a mile non-stop in my life, but I feel it on the horizon. I feel like throwing myself a party or something when that day comes! It might be a slow mile, but it's still a mile. We'll work on speed as we go, right?

OK, having said that I really need to go do a few things and get the rest of my workout in, so have a lovely evening!

Weekly check in

2010-02-04T01:28:00.000-08:00

Hey everyone! Wow, what a day. I'm going to try to make my weekly check in quick because I am exhausted and still have a couple quick things to do before bed... One of those days!

First, my weigh in! Let me preface this by saying I think my number is correct but my day has been crazy since I woke up so I didn't get to do my weigh-in at the normal time, under the normal circumstances. But, I'm pretty sure it's within a 1/2 pound, so I'm gonna' call it good and deal with the difference next week if I'm wrong. :)

Anyway, this week: -1 lb.

Whoop, whoop! I love that number consistently going down, I have to tell you. Especially because the reality of this week definitely did not look anything like my plan (as you'll see momentarily). So to have continued progress despite what could otherwise be classified as a rough week is very, very nice.

That brings me to 7.5 pounds lost so far this year. My first goal to reach is 10 pounds by Valentine's Day, which means I have 10 days to lose 2.5 more pounds. I'm of the slow and steady sort, so that's kinda' pushing it, but we'll see what happens! The goals are just a guideline, so if I meet them a little late I'll be OK. But wouldn't it be nice to reach the first goal I set for myself in the new year? Yes, yes it would.

Next, a quick checkup on the Perfect 10 weekly challenge goals.

1. Lose 15 pounds.

   Getting there! 7.5 pounds lost so far, which puts me at the halfway mark. And what do you know, we're halfway through this challenge.
2. Complete the 35-mile bike loop near my house.
   OK, I'll be honest, this one isn't going well lately. My original intention was to gradually ride more often during the week, but then I signed up for my very first 5k and I've been focusing more on preparing for that. I'm still working toward this goal, but it's just not at the forefront of my mind lately. However, the main idea is just to exercise more consistently, and that I've definitely been doing.

3. Walk/Jog 2+ hours per week.
   This, I'm proud to say, has been happening without fail. First 5k is a good motivator!
4. Complete the first two phases of CLX.
   I'm also kicking butt on this. I'll be done with the first phase in just a few more days.
5. Learn about and apply nutrition to my life more fully.
   Yes, actually. I've been learning a lot and trying to keep it in mind when I go grocery shopping. This week, though, I was tested a bit more with eating out and I think I did pretty well, quite frankly. Obviously I didn't do terrible, at least, since I still lost weight!
6. Make a weekly meal plan and stick to it.
   Um, complete and utter failure. I didn't really set a meal plan, I just had "an idea," but it wouldn't have mattered anyway because somehow eating out kept coming up (e.g., my dad came to town unexpectedly, and my parents love eating out so when they're only here for a short while, I generally go with them). Again, I don't think I did terrible, I just didn't stick to a plan.
7. Log what I eat 5+ days per week.
   Sometimes my brain, it farts? This was one of those weeks. For some reason I just forgot to log my meals for most of the week.
8. Get to sleep by midnight 5+ days per week.
   This might sound silly but I'm honestly not sure exactly how often I was able to go to sleep on time. I will say that, generally speaking, my sleep was of better quality, though, and I'm gradually training myself to at least wake up earlier (whether I go to bed on time or not) because I have that 5k coming up at the end of the month, and it starts at 7 a.m., and I'll be honest... I have concerns about waking up for it. I'll need to wake up that morning no later than 5:30 a.m., and that's just not something I've done for, oh... months. Many months. If I can sleep well and wake up at a decent hour, I'm not as concerned with the actual time I go to bed.

So, that's everything! As you can see, definitely not a perfect week, but I'm happy with it. Real life slapped me in the face a whole lot, and I slapped back.

And the quick fact about me: My favorite ice cream, my treat of treats, is bubblegum ice cream from Baskin Robbins. I haven't eaten it in more than a year. I remember, because my boyfriend and I drove many a mile that night just to find a stupid Baskin Robbins (the one down the street from our house had closed without us realizing it). I used to be able to find bubblegum ice cream in one store I knew of, but not anymore. Apparently it's not very popular? When I order it I like to have it in a cup, with the bubblegum on bottom and a sherbet on top. Mmmmmmm.....

By the way, thanks to everyone stopping by from the Healthy You Challenge! I will definitely be checking out your blogs in the next day or two. In the meantime, have a wonderful evening/morning everyone!

whole grain, multigrain, what what?

2010-02-01T16:50:00.000-08:00

So I keep talking about posting information from my nutrition class and I never do it. Why? Let me tell you, there is a LOT of information coming at me! I'm just not sure what to post! But, I was reading one of the required articles this morning and it clarified a few things for me, so I thought I would start with it. It's in regards to whole grains.

For the past year or so, I've made it a point to purchase "whole grain" and not "multigrain" items. I couldn't tell you why, other than my personal trainer at the time told me it was better, and I trust her. I know she explained it, but I guess I didn't fully comprehend because I couldn't tell you what she said. I just remembered the point. So, this article I was reading for class touched on the difference among claims (among other topics, but it's a six-page article so I'm just covering a piece of it). I thought it was really interesting and clarified a few things for me, so I hope it does the same for you.

Briefly, we probably all know that whole grain is better than refined flour. So, if you eat pasta, bread, cereal, etc., you're getting more nutritional bang for your buck if it's made from whole grain as opposed to refined grain (like white bread). The claims can be confusing sometimes, though. And also misleading. We know all General Mills cereals are made with whole grains, but does that mean Lucky Charms or Trix is healthy? Heck no! There's still tons of sugar to worry about. Plus, one reason to eat whole grain is the extra fiber, and a quick peak will confirm that these cereals don't have much to speak of. So, essentially, whole grain is great, but look at the whole picture for a more accurate nutritional reflection.

Now, the part that really piqued my interest: The difference between the claims. Here they are:

100% whole grain - Means no refined flour

Made with whole grain - Means there's some in there, but it could be a little or a lot

Whole grain - May mean that only 51% of the flour is whole-grain (that's the minimum a food needs to carry a health claim like "whole grains may reduce the risk of heart disease")

Good source of whole grain - Means there may be as little as 8 grams of whole grains per serving. An excellent source means as little as 16 grams per serving. So a breakfast cereal - which usually weighs 30 to 55 grams per serving - could be "a good source of whole grain" if only 15 to 25 percent of its grain is whole (and 75 to 85 is refined).

Multigrain - Means a mixture of grains, so it could be mostly refined grain plus a sprinkling of whole grains.

We just have a copy so I don't know where the article came from, but a quick search reveals it's from 2005. The title and author: "10 Mega-trends in the Supermarket" by Bonnie Liebman.

Another quick point from the article: You may have heard that if foods have less than a certain amount of trans fat, they're allowed to print "trans fat free" or "0 grams trans fat" on the label. Generally, though, trans fat is replaced with saturated fat, which can be just as bad. Try to make sure your meals contain less than 4g of trans fat and saturated fat combined to stay within healthy recommendations (less than 20g per day).

Another interesting thing I came across (not in this article): one more reason HFCS is no good. The potential risks of high fructose corn syrup have been debated for a little while now. Studies were showing it's bad for you, but then the Corn Refiners Association said, "no way! It's natural, just like sugar, and can be consumed in moderation!"

Well, according to the linked article (from the Washington Post), there may be traces of mercury in HFCS. In the first paragraph, they note "half of tested samples" contained mercury. There's still a lot of debate about it (The corn refiners claim they no longer use those ingredients) but it's interesting to think about and be aware of.

So, I have a question. Is there anything in particular that you're confused about in regards to nutrition? Something that's just not quite clear? I'm not sure which information to post and which information you'd shrug off, so feel free to leave a comment or email me if you have a special request (now or in the future) and I will post about it as I can.

A future topic: What are the health benefits of the fatty acids found in fish and flax?
Also, information on the assignment I've been working on.

Healthy shopping

2010-01-31T03:49:00.000-08:00

Despite the fact that I am genetically a woman, I'm not a huge fan of shopping. (Unless it's for books. If I'm going to a book store I make sure I have an hour or three to burn. Yeah, I'm a dork. And I'm OK with that.) It all started because I was always the bigger girl with the skinny friends growing up, and shopping with them was miserable (they wore 3s and 5s, I wore 13s). Eventually I just gave it up. You can be any size to shop for books, though. However, today I've thrown my dread of shopping out the window.

First, I was shopping for a new outfit because, did I mention I'm going to do a 5k? Huh, I honestly can't remember. Well, anyway, I've been training for a 5k. It's one I wanted to do last year but couldn't because I would have had to walk the whole thing and at the time I was too embarassed to do such a thing. Silly, I know (other people walk it). Anyway, this year I've decided to just go for it. I don't think I'll be ready to run the whole thing, to be quite honest, but I'll be able to run most of it. And, since I'm a lot more confident with myself, I'm OK with walking part of it this year. Funny how that works, huh?

Anyway, so first I was shopping for an outfit to wear. My workout clothes fall into one of two categories: very frumpy, or very revealing (I work out in the privacy of my own home). Plus I wanted to reward myself for finally making the commitment since I've been "secretly" wanting to do this 5k for the last couple years. I didn't actually purchase anything yet (I'm waiting for my tax return, which should be here soon enough), I was just inspired to look.

In addition, I finally bought a real workout bra. By real I mean, it's sized right and supposedly controls those of us who are overly blessed. Normally to keep the Dolly Parton effect to a minimum, I wear a bra that's too small (the only one I feel comfortable running in right now is two sizes too small) so I get crazy compression effect. It might not look pretty, and I know it's not ideal, but it's been the only way I had found to tame the beasts. So after much research, I'm really hoping all the raves about my new bra are accurate. Once it arrives (this was an internet purchase), I'll be sure to let you know.

While online I was looking at a new pair of running shoes, but didn't purchase anything. I love mine, so I was looking to get a new pair of the same brand, but they are apparently onto an updated version so I figured I'd better try them on first. It doesn't seem like they've changed much, but I'm paranoid about the possibility of reinjuring my foot so I'd rather go to a store and take a run in them first. My shoes aren't overdue yet so I'm not terribly worried about it.

I am really loving running now that it's getting easier for me, I have to tell you. Granted, I'm a damn slow runner, but I still love it and the speed will come soon enough. Anyway, in celebration of my newfound love of running, I also got a subscription to Runner's World. I get it from time to time and love it always, so for $12 why not a subscription?

I didn't get to go today, but tomorrow I'll be heading to the store to get some heavier weights. Yay! Because I'm gettin' buff, yo (ha, ha). I am actually starting to see some definition in my arms, though. Excitement! Unfortunately you need the right light to really tell, so I'll wait until it's a bit more obvious before posting pictures. As far as the new weights, I just kind of realized I have a hole in my set, so I'm just getting one pair.

Also, I'm SO SUPER TEMPTED to get a Bosu. That is the one thing I miss from when I had a gym membership. Love it. I'm still waffling, but I have to tell you, I'm generally leaning more toward "Yes." Especially with the 5k on the way, I'd love to be able to do some balance training beforehand.

At the end of the day, I guess I didn't buy too much, but I certainly feel like I drooled over a lot!

We interrupt your regularly scheduled program...

2010-01-28T23:38:00.000-08:00

...For this very important announcement.

My chin is almost back to normal (aka, "and then there was almost one"). Somehow, I just noticed the shrinkage.

That's pretty much the highlight of my week so I figured it deserved a post all its own. Heck yes!

It's a mental thing, but the extra chin was one of the physical signs that made me realize it was time for me to make a change once and for all, so for it to be well on it's way to being gone is faaaabulous! Too bad it took me so long to get here, but at least it's finally happening!

Rules and fat acceptance - a rant.

2010-01-28T19:56:00.000-08:00

So I have this rule with myself lately, I've noticed. It was kind of unintentional, but it's been consistent. Anyway, the rule is that I'm entitled to have fatty snacks, but first I have to eat something healthy. Sure, you can have that piece of chocolate. First, though, have an apple and peanut butter. You want a bowl of ice cream? No problem, just fill that bowl with vegetables first.

Sometimes, I eat the healthy thing and then eat the not-so-healthy thing, but other times I realize I'm not really hungry so I stop at the healthy thing. Then there are times I desperately need to go shopping and have no healthy things, so I know I'm not allowed to eat the unhealthy things because that would be against the rules. There are also times, I'll say eff the rules and eat the unhealthy thing, but I immediately feel guilty and go grab some veggies. Weird, huh? Do you play games like this with yourself? (intentionally or, in my case, unintentionally) Funny thing is, it's a habit now. I think it's a decent one, though, so I'm OK with that.

Quick, happy news: My keyboard has been without a "p" for a long time. I still had the key, but it had broken and wouldn't stay in place. I've been nervous about gluing it, though, because I didn't want to accidentally glue the key down completely. Today I found a super glue with a teeny tiny tip, though, so I went for it and... success! I one again have a key to type, as opposed to just a mound of rubber. Woo hoo!

On to my rant. Feel free to stop now if you aren't interested.

I was reading this article earlier, about fat acceptance. I've decided I'm not a very good candidate for fat acceptance, aka "loving your curves." TO ME, fat acceptance is the idea of accepting that you can be healthy even if you aren't model thin. It's not an excuse to pig out or sit on your couch and eat potato chips. It's about knowing you're good to your body and accepting that's enough, even if you aren't a size 2. The second part of that, at the risk of pissing people off, it's "loving your curves" not "loving your lumps." Saying, "I love my curves!" or "I'm totally bootylicious!" is not an excuse to let your weight go crazy (in my opinion).

But I've been reading all these articles lately that make me think my idea of fat acceptance and the more common ideas of fat acceptance do not mesh well. The article made it sound like all people who are fat eat right and exercise often, but they have been punished by their god or something equally ridiculous and are therefore fat. OK, I know that CAN be true (not the punishment part, the part about being healthy AND overweight). There are some people who eat great and exercise regularly but are still heavy for medical reasons, for example. There are also some people who are just naturally bigger. There are also people who are mostly healthy but aren't perfect, so they do have a little extra cushion, and that's fine, too. I'd rather run and play with my kids and have a little extra jiggle in my wiggle, then miss out on play time because I have to exercise obsessively OR miss out on play time because I'm out of breath. Honestly, I think a lot of people use fat acceptance as an excuse to get fatter.

I didn't mean to rant about this, but it keeps coming up lately so I figured I'd put it out there. And I think it bothers me because I used to use it as an excuse as well, for a very short while. Most of my life I've wanted to be fitter and didn't feel it was OK to be as heavy and lazy as I was. But there was maybe a year or so when I was friends with a girl who had a very strong personality, who claimed she was thrilled to be fat. She talked about how she loved food and hated exercise and she would never change because being fat was cool, and I became accustomed to the idea for a very short while (the last couple months of our relationship). I knew the idea and the friendship wasn't for me, though, when I found I had to "secretly" exercise, as she'd make me feel like I was stupid to do so if she found out. She and her fat-acceptance-mini-army (a group of probably five or six girls) were trying to convince me not to (you don't have to exercise. That's stupid.) even though I've always enjoyed exercising. (I soon realized our friendship was toxic and we haven't talked since.)

The irony, here, is that a few years later she ended up getting crazy about losing weight, exercising too much and not eating enough, losing her hair and what-not because she wasn't getting enough nutrition, and having a miscarriage because she happened to get pregnant during her temporary insanity and couldn't bring herself to eat enough calories to feed her baby. I haven't heard anything about her lately, but I know a few months after that happened she let herself get pregnant again and this time was able to carry the baby full term, so I'm hoping and praying she found a happy medium.

The point is, I think most people use fat acceptance as an excuse for gaining weight and making themselves feel like bad habits are OK, like she did. Obviously she really wasn't OK with it considering what happened later. Even though I only took a dip in the fat acceptance pool, I still showed some of the signs of denial that I think swims there (it's either one of two things, based on the fat people I've known who claimed to be part of the fat acceptance movement. It's either, "hell yeah I eat like crap and don't exercise. People who do are wasting their time." OR "I totally eat right and exercise. I have no idea why I'm so heavy."). I often claimed I ate right and exercised often and it was just genetics or something that made me fat. The truth is, whether genetics plays a part or not, the fact is I've never eaten well until recently. Or I would for, like, two days and then pig out. And the exercise? I guess if I had exercised a couple times that month, I'd consider myself a regular exerciser. Or, I'd be referring to my now-more-distant past, where for a summer I was exercising three hours per day. For a SUMMER. Not for a lifetime.

I'd never suggest that everyone who's making these claims must be fooling themselves, but I can't help but wonder how many of them are. After all, I wasn't making the claims to be malicious or intentionally deceitful. I really believed it at the time. It's only looking back, with a more appropriate view and dedication to nutrition and exercise, that I can see my words were really just a security blanket, which I pulled over my head hoping people wouldn't see or judge my fat rolls. I wonder if giving people an excuse to not recognize their potentially deadly habits isn't just killing us all a little faster. How great would it have been if someone had called me on my tall tales and forced me to track my eating and exercise habits for a month so I could really see how bad I was treating my body. Maybe I could have made this change years ago.

Now, the other side of that coin, I'm the type of person who really takes what happens to me and learns from it, so maybe I just wasn't ready before and needed these experiences to be successful, and I can definitely understand that other people aren't ready either. If they think "fat acceptance" is the key to being happy, then who am I to say no. Do it and learn from it; maybe some will learn they really are happy where they're at. But I'd bet in most cases they try it and eventually come to the same conclusion I did - whether I accept my fat or not, it's still there, I'm still uncomfortable in my skin, I still have difficulty climbing too many flights of stairs, I still can't run a mile, I still can't play like I used to, I still miss out on necessary minerals and vitamins because of my diet of crap. Hence, my change.

Which I guess brings us back to my idea of fat acceptance. The person who can climb several flights of stairs without getting out of breath, the person who can run a mile, the person who can play with their kids for hours at a time, the person who gives their body proper nutrition, to that person I say, who cares what size you are? I think it's that opinion that has resulted in my final goal weight being a floating number. I've chosen a number because I thought I needed a goal, but if I'm 15 pounds shy of that goal and I feel perfectly healthy, I don't know that I'll feel compelled to lose the last 15 pounds. I've never been thin so I don't know what a good weight for me is! All I know is, at my thinnest in memory, I didn't feed my body well and I had exercise goals I hadn't reached. So for now, the plan is to feed my body right, reach my exercise goals, and let my weight settle, then see how I feel once that happens.

I really didn't mean to ramble on and on about this, and I don't even really feel like posting it now (I just needed to get it off my chest, I think). But, I'm curious what your opinions are, whether you agree with me or whether you think I'm way off the mark. I'm always open to new input! Therefore, I'm hitting post anyway. So, converse with me. What are your thoughts on fat acceptance?

ETA: In case you didn't catch it, I'm talking about fat acceptance in regards to yourself, not in regards to accepting other fat people. Hating someone based on physical traits is never cool! I'm all about people loving themselves at any size, as long as they're healthy about it!

Whoosh, indeed!

2010-01-27T13:19:00.000-08:00

So, I took my measurements before I weighed in (not all of them, just a couple) so that if I didn't lose weight again I could console myself with whatever inches I may have lost. But, it turned out to be unneccessary!

This week's weight loss: -3.5 lbs

Whoop, whoop! Needless to say, I'm happy. Let's get to the weekly check-in:

1. Lose 15 pounds
   Abso-friggin-lutely! Well, OK, 15 isn't gone yet, but I'm practically half-way there. 6.5 gone, with 6 weeks left. If I stay the course, I'll be fine.

2. Complete the 35-mile bike loop by my house.
   This rain has been killing me. But, I've been focusing more on strengthening certain muscles and building stamina in other ways as well, kind of like what I did to rehab my calves. I'm OK with getting any rides in right now. When February comes, I'll hopefully be able to hit the pavement more consistently (I'm just really not comfortable enough yet to ride in the rain, and I don't have the right clothing for it).

3. Walk/Jog 2+ hours this week.
   Achieved! Luckily this is an indoor (treadmill) workout, so the rain won't stop me! As a matter of fact, it's kind of soothing to listen to while I jog.

4. Complete the first two phases of CLX.
   Getting there! I checked a calendar and my last day of CLX is scheduled to fall right when the Perfect 10 Challengs ends. Poifect!

5. Learn about and apply nutrition to my life more fully.
   Yes! I love my nutrition class. It's not very interactive, which at first was a bummer, but now that I see how tough my other classes are, it's probably a blessing. However, our first assignment is awesome. I plan on doing a post about it once I finish it so you guys can try it, too (very informative, you'll enjoy it, I promise).

6. Make a meal plan and stick to it.
   Check. I ate much better this week, actually. I've been having trouble with getting all my meals for the day in, but I've really been trying to change that, the last couple days especially.

7. Log what I eat 5+ days.
   This is getting easier. I didn't have 100% success like I did last week when I was obsessing about it, but I got four days. Compared to my normal, that's a success! Eventually, I'll be on top of things and do five days per week consistently without even thinking about it.

8. Go to bed by midnight 5+ days per week.
   I'm finding this easier. I wasn't totally successful at the five days, but I definitely had a few great days in there where I got to bed at a decent hour. I certainly had some more restful sleep in there.

Something about me: Some of the things I love most about myself come from my American Indian heritage. I'm almost 1/3rd, which was enough to earn some rockin' (when I lose face fat) cheek bones and some interesting spiritual ties. I haven't been an active member of the tribe since I was very young (I'm from a small Pacific coast tribe), but I still have memories that, despite being so young at the time, apparently etched themselves onto my heart. I don't talk about this side of me much, though (here or real life), just because there's certain aspects that I hold very close so it's sometimes easier to not mention it rather than attempt to skip around the details.

Another interesting (to me) fact: Today's loss puts me below where I was forever and a day ago, aka Thanksgiving, before I started traveling like crazy and gaining weight. Yay!

My exercise plan

2010-01-25T15:21:00.000-08:00

I got my massage yesterday... When it was time to get off the table and put my clothes back on, I almost fell over. Yes'm, it was deeeelightful.

Today? Not so much. She was absolutely amazed at how tense my shoulders were, as well as my hamstrings. Most of the massage was for relaxation purposes, but when she touched those two areas I could really tell how tight they were, and she obviously could, too. So, she did more of a deep massage to try to work out the kinks. I know they say deep massages hurt for a few days afterwards and then you feel better, but I've never had one so, um, I guess I didn't believe. I believe now, I promise I do! It's a weird pain, though. On one hand I feel more relaxed. But on the other hand, I was pretty sure when I lifted my shirt this morning I'd see that my shoulders were bruised (of course, they're not--just tender).

I also found out, of course, the whole free massage thing the therapist told my boyfriend about was a bunch of baloney. Sure, you can get a massage every day, but you have to pay for them. Basically the monthly fee is pretty much a prepaid massage, and the rest come at a "discount." However, I'm still considering it, at least for a little while. Massage is expensive in this town which is why I don't do it much, but it would be kind of nice to be able to get a couple a month to work out my kinks, of which there are many. So, we'll see!

Yesterday I was talking to this guy I've know forever and a day (17 years... Hey, I'm only 29, so that's a long time!) and I realized through our conversation that I've been working out a lot. Go me! Funny how you can do these things and not realize it's a lot till you tell someone about it. I have a minimum set for myself each day, meaning that's what I "have" to do. If I have the time and energy I can add in more cardio, or add in another session of yoga, or whatever else, but the following is what I do, no excuses:

SUNDAY
   Heavy weights, 30+ minutes
MONDAY
   Jogging, 30+ minutes
   Other cardio (e.g., DVD, tennis, or whatever, as long as it gets my heartrate up), 30+ minutes
   Yoga, 30+ minutes
TUESDAY
   Ab work
   Bicycling, 60+ minutes
WEDNESDAY
   Jogging, 30+ minutes
   Heavy weights, 30+ minutes
THURSDAY
   Ab work
   Bicycing, 60+ minutes
FRIDAY
   Jogging, 30+ minutes
   Heavy weights, 30+ minutes
SATURDAY
   Ab work
   Light weights, 30+ minutes
   Bicycling, 60+ minutes

Sunday is my rest day from cardio, and Monday, Tuesday and Thursday I rest from weight lifting. If I need another day to recuperate (such as if my knees are bothering me) I'll cut out a bicycling session. I have a goal to ride the 35-mile bicycle loop near my house, but I feel like working on strength and whatnot still counts toward training because, honestly, one of my biggest issues when I ride is how weak my quads and hamstrings are. Also, I think I'm going to add another mandatory round of yoga on Thursdays to help regain some of my former limberness. Oh, and that Tuesday/Thursday ab work starts this week. I've been adding in one new thing each week. I had only been doing focused ab work on Saturdays, plus a little here and there, but my abs have become amazingly weak. I think back to what I used to be able to do compared to now and I'm a little appalled at myself. But, I found a great ab plan that I think I'll really like, so I'm going to start working it in on Tuesdays and Thursdays since those are my slow days.

It looks like a lot (to me) when I write it all down, but it's really not. Most days it's no more than an hour of exercise. It's just that I'm doing a variety of things. But, I've decided that variety is important to me. When I think about the time I was most happy with my body, I don't think, "Wow, I was so skinny" (because I wasn't, really, I was about 180-190 pounds). I don't think, "I could run like the wind" (because I couldn't). Instead, I think about how strong I was. I think about how empowered I felt, like I could handle anything (I mean that mentally as well as physically). I've never been thin, and who knows, maybe I never will be. I'd be OK with that, though, as long as I was strong and capable and fit. When I was fitter, the only thing I remember wishing I could do and feeling I couldn't was jog. I've never been able to jog, and I didn't really try consistently back then. That's why I've been focusing on it three times a week now. I still can't really jog, but I'm getting better. Some day I'll jog a mile without stopping, and it'll be great.

Now, I should say, back when I was happiest with my body, I still wasn't happy with it, if that makes sense. But this time around will be different. Back then I ate like hell (seriously, it was a wonder I stayed under 200 pounds. I'd work out and then go eat some fast food followed by a large pizza and a carton of ice cream), but I'm getting my nutrition in check. Also, I didn't really work out regularly. I know I worked out a LOT, but I didn't have a set plan. So, one week I might work out three hours a day, six days a week, but the next week I'd work out one hour the whole week. I think having a regular plan will help a lot. I also keep a book to track my progress (for both exercise and food) so when things happen (like not losing any weight last week) I can look through my progress and know that I did what I needed to do, and that's that. If the weight doesn't drop, obviously there's a reason (lost fat/gained muscle, muscle retaining water, etc etc). If it continues to not drop, then I know exactly what I've been doing so I'm better capable of making changes.

Do you have a plan? What do you do to ensure you stay on plan?

Massages... mmmmm....

2010-01-23T21:51:00.000-08:00

So, tomorrow I have an appointment for a massage... A real massage. Ohmygodimsoexcited. Srsly. I have pretty much been in nonstop pain for at least two weeks now. Not a bad pain, so I keep on keeping on, just the kind of pain that tells me I have definitely been pushing myself, and my body is definitely making some changes.

The best part about this? Let me preface by saying I never get massages. I've gotten precisely two in my life. The first was for mother's day (I'm not a mother, but my boyfriend's step-mom invited me to come with her), and the second was because I was in some serious pain. In both cases, I went on 2-for-1 days, and we went to a school, which means you may or may not get a good massage because they're still learning (the time I was in serious pain was an example of not-such-a-good-massage). Tomorrow I'm going to a real massage place.

So, back to the best part. I always feel guilty spending money on this type of stuff, but my boyfriend is actually the one who suggested it (we split our money like an old married couple) so I did some serious consideration. He knows how hard I've been working out, which is why he brought it up. Further, he found out they have a special where you pay a certain amount each month (I don't remember off the top of my head how much, but let's say about $50) and you can get as many massages as you want. I could get one every day!! Not that I would, but I would love to get one every week or two. I have problems that are exacerbated by exercise (the lovely catch-22 there, I need to get the weight off for them to stop hurting in the long run. But in order to get the weight off, I need to exercise. But exercising makes them hurt more in the short-term.)

We did the serious talk.

Me: "Babe, do you think that would be an acceptable way to spend the money? I know you're working now, but I don't want to waste all your money on massages for me."
Him: "I'm fine with it. As long as you keep working out."

Sold! That also tells me that he really does care about me working out, which is nice because I didn't think he did. Seriously, he's the kind of guy that's OK with extra weight (I was only about 20 pounds lighter than I am now when we started dating), and at one point (a long time ago, when we hadn't been dating as long) I was actually worried he'd leave me if I lost weight. (looking back I know that's silly, but in the spirit of honesty, it did cross my mind. Accepting that it was silly was a big step in my progress, because I knew I wouldn't lose him by losing weight. I think knowing I have his support will push me even harder because I'm going at this alone, as far as real life people go.)

But, he knows how much it means to me to be fit. I think he's also seen the changes that come with it (I actually do my hair instead of throwing it in a ponytail; I'm more likely to wear makeup; I'll do small things like clean my car [which isn't as messy since I'm not eating fast food in it all the time] and make the bed; I'm just happier in general) so he probably realizes it is a big deal for me. I don't feel human when I'm all fat and gross and laying around and doing a whole lot of nothing. Honestly, the fatter I get, the fewer people I see, and the more gross I become. But when I'm working out and eating right I remember to love myself again. Funny how that works, huh?

Speaking of loving myself, or not. I took some pictures today for progress pictures (um, when I make real progress, I'll start posting the comparisons. Right now it's nothing new, I just didn't like the other pictures I had and I'm still relatively close to start) and was just so disappointed with them (me). I went into it feeling excited, but after I looked at them it was like, "Wow, how'd that happen?" Funny how you can know you're fat but still be appalled when you see a photo (this happens a lot to me, because I don't allow myself to be photographed if I can help it). But, chalk it up as more motivation to keep on working.

Anyway, I've got a few things yet to do tonight, so I should go. Have a wonderful weekend!

Weekly check-in

2010-01-20T14:28:00.000-08:00

Let's get right to it, shall we? My results from this week's episode of the Perfect 10 Challenge:

1. Lose 15 pounds
   This comes out to 1.5 pounds per week, which I did not do this week. What did I do? 0.0 pounds. How do I feel about this? Pretty disappointed. I worked my butt off this week. I had the best jog I can remember having, and really pushed myself in a lot of ways. I ate well, and I really upped my weight lifting this week. And I can only guess that's why I stayed the same. I've heard tales that when you start lifting weights you're weight loss efforts will stall for a week or two. Honestly, I didn't want it to be true. Last time, I managed to avoid this. But, last time I probably wasn't as true to the program. This time I followed my plan to the T. I did add in extra cardio, which I hoped would help, but it didn't. So here we are. Still at the same weight as last week. Like I said a few days ago, though, as long as it catches up, I'm fine with it. I'm sure all that weight lifting and cardio is doing some good stuff, it's just not reflecting on the scale.

2. Complete the 35-mile bike loop by my house.
     I didn't quite get all the training in for this that I would have liked, but I did train. Quite frankly, all that extra weight lifting killed my legs. I think that's a good thing, though, because one of the hardest things about riding the bike, for me, is how sore my quads get on those hills. I think building up those and the surrounding muscles will help, so at least I'm still moving in the right direction!

3. Walk/Jog 2+ hours per week.
     Yes! As I said before, I got in one of the best jogs I've had in as long as I can remember. I have this thing I've mentioned many times about sore calves? Well, a while ago I decided to try something to ease the pain, and it seems to be working. I did have to stop and stretch once, but it wasn't even because of my calf. It was because of another muscle, and I'm pretty sure I can thank my foot injury for that. But, a quick stretch and it calmed down. Depending on how things go, my boyfriend and I are thinking of participating in a 5k I've been wanting to do. I probably wouldn't be able to run the whole thing yet (I'm familiar with the course, and there's some serious hills over there -- Oh, and I can't run three miles straight yet), but I know I could at least finish it, and at the end of the day that's all I'm looking for. But, as I said, I'm going to see how things progress with my training because it would be awesome to run most of it if I could.

4. Complete the first two phases of CLX.
     Yes! (Not completed, just working toward it)

5. Learn about and apply nutrition to my life more fully.
     I guess I haven't done too much this week, now that I think about it. I did try some new recipes I had found in previous weeks, though, and I suppose that counts!

6. Make a meal plan and stick to it.
     Yep, I went shopping last week and have been doing this 85% of the time. As I've said before, I'm not aiming for perfection.

7. Log what I eat 5+ days per week.
     YES!!! Finally!!! I was joking about the whole assigning-myself-homework thing, but apparently that was just what I needed to do. Also, my nutrition class started yesterday and I see one of the assignments is going to require us to track what we eat (I don't know how long) and then analyze it based on what we've learned. So, that should be interesting!

8. Go to bed by midnight 5+ days per week.
     My sleeping patterns are driving me nuts. I was doing good for a couple days, but then suddenly it's out of whack again. If it was just going to bed late that would be one thing, but it's the fact that when I go to bed early, I'll wake up in the middle of the night and can't get back to sleep for hours. I will conquer this, though. I will, I will, I will...

So, there you have it. My interesting fact? I love moving. Fer realio, love it. I went to six elementary schools, 1 middle school, 2 high schools, and three colleges (now being my third). I've lived in 23 different houses (that was a quick count, so I may have missed some) in 14 different cities. I've lived in two different countries (U.S. and Australia). I've lived in four different U.S. states (all on the west coast...). I hate living in one place for too long; it makes me antsy. Funny enough, though, I just realized the other day that my boyfriend might be helping my gypsy heart settle down, because we're actually thinking of buying a house. And I'm pretty excited about it. What?!?! I know. It won't be until after I get through this round of college, though, so there's still time for me to change my mind. :)

Anyway, I hope you're all having a lovely Wednesday! I'm going to go get in my workout, and then do you know what tonight is? BOWLING. We haven't bowled on a league for a while, so I'm pretty excited.

The bod pod and the bugg

2010-01-17T17:12:00.000-08:00

I'd like to get my body composition tested, preferably in a bod pod (I had a traumatic near-experience nine years ago with the hydrostatic weighing, so I'm nervous to try that - the bod pod seems like a good alternative, with results just as accurate), but there's not a whole lot of places near where I live that I can get it. As a matter of fact, I only found one. But it turns out that I might have a membership which would give me a bod pod assessment (plus other stuff) for damn-near (not quite) free.

I'm really excited about this for numerous reasons. Hopefully I'll hear back from the contact on Tuesday to clarify how my membership works and how long it lasts (I earned credits toward a membership a few years ago, and based on how I earned them I should have two years worth of membership, but somehow I doubt it). Also with the membership is free gym access and personal training, but I don't know if I'll take advantage, as much as I miss my personal trainer, because: 1) It's pretty far away, and in an area I hate driving, so the chances of me regularly driving there are very slim. 2) It's a learning facility so nearly all of the trainers are students. This might not be so bad if I found the right person, but I have old injuries to protect so I'm picky. 3) I'm doing a home program right now that I'm pretty happy with, and it lasts for a couple more months.

I'm thinking, though, that maybe once I'm done with the home program I'll consider seeing a trainer on occassion to keep me heading in the right direction. We'll see where my schedule is at that time, though. It really is quite a drive (nearly an hour one direction), and it's not a 24-hour facility, so it might not work. Plus I'd have to make sure I get a trainer who understands most of my work is done in a home gym, and is willing to train me using equipment I own. Quite frankly I love my old trainer, and she was willing to do that and wasn't so far away, so if I have the money at the time I'd rather go back to her.

Anyway, has anyone ever tested in the bod pod? How was your experience? I've heard the body fat percentage is reveals can be a little higher than other methods because it also includes visceral fat, but it is accurate. I'd mostly like to use it as a tracking tool since I am doing this home program, which I just started, and I'm still in the beginning stages of body transformation (relatively speaking). I'd like to get tested now and then again in a couple months to see how what I'm doing is working.

OK, enough blabbering about the bod pod. It's time to eat and I'm super hungry, so I'm going to go do that and then get in my workout for the day. I've really upped my weight lifting this week, so I'm worried I'm going to gain or stay the same on the scale because of it. But, oh well, we'll see what happens. If that does occur, hopefully it'll even itself out in the end so I can still get my 10 pound loss logged by Valentine's Day (4 weeks and 7 pounds left), and my 15-pound loss logged by the end of the Perfect 10 Challenge (see my sidebar for the link - 7 1/2 weeks and 12 pounds left). I fear I'm cutting it awfully close, but ah well. Time will tell! And if gaining muscle means I don't quite reach a goal... Well, I'm sure I'll live, as long as the fat comes off. Oh, and for more randomness, I've been looking through my text for my nutrition class and I'm SO excited. There's some really good information in there, some of which I definitely plan on sharing as the class progresses (starts Tuesday). Be excited! (I am)

ETA: Question, people who have used the body bugg. I'm interested in this, but it seems like it would be really annoying have something around your bicep all the time. Can you enlighten me? Is it inconvenient? I'm sure the benefits far outweigh any inconvenience, I'm just worried about not keeping it on there because it's annoying. Though, if I did all the time I could be cool like Rebecca from last season's The Biggest Loser and go on Jay Leno with a bugg-shaped tan line. (Did anyone else notice that? BTW, I'm not being sarcastic. I think it's great she put so much stock in her health that she actually ended up with a tan line.)

Face fat

2010-01-14T22:11:00.000-08:00

You wouldn't think a face could hold that much fat, but I gotta' tell you, one thing I'm really, really hoping for from this weight loss stuff? That I will no longer have a ginormous head. I feel like my head is abnormally large, and I hate it. I think that's one reason I don't take many pictures. When I take them with my boyfriend, for example? Well, he's only about 150 pounds, so his head is pretty normal sized, so when you see us together in a picture my head looks even bigger than normal. Hate it!!!

You know what else I'm not a big fan of? Me, laughing. Well, I like laughing, I just hate when my laughter is caught on camera, because then I have a large head and squinty eyes. Case in point: See to the left (from a few weeks ago). That's me on the left with my bestest friend in the world on the right. I'd be so much happier with the picture if my head didn't look so huge.

You know what one of my weight-loss related fears is? That even when I lose weight, I will still have a ginormous head. Ridiculous, I know, but it really does worry me. However, my logical side knows it will shrink as well. I used to have super great cheek bones when I was 190-ish, so obviously my face must have been thinner since it's not like my bones changed or anything. Also, I didn't used to have an extra chin, but I was graced with one around the time I injured my foot.

I have no idea why I felt like sharing, but there ya go. I've been wanting to post more pictures, and one of the things that crosses my mind whenever I see this picture is how fat my face is. Which is a crappy thing to think, but in a couple months I'll be able to post a comparison photo saying, "Yay, look how thin my face is getting!" The other thing that made me think about it: Sometimes, when I visit blogs by people who have already lost a lot of weight, I notice that they used to have a large head and now it's normal size. Sometimes, I feel like commenting on it, but then I don't want them to think I'm trying to be rude. Because, srsly, when I think that it's all positive, even if it doesn't sound that way. So if you ever get a comment from me like that, please don't be offended!

FYI, I've been very proud of myself lately, regarding how well I'm doing with handling temptations and working out and tracking my workouts and food and whatnot. And ever since sleeping like crazy a couple of nights ago, my sleeping patterns seem to be doing better as well, which is AMAZING. As a matter of fact, it's 10 p.m. right now and I'm pretty sure I'll be asleep within the hour. So, on that note, have a lovely night (morning, whatev)!!

Weekly weigh-in and goal tracking

2010-01-13T12:55:00.000-08:00

I have this delightful habit lately... I come to blogger to write a post, then I start catching up on everybody else's real quick like, and by the time I've done that... I forget what I wanted to blog about. Hate it!

So instead I'm going to blog about sleep. Beautiful, glorious sleep. I didn't used to talk about my sleeping problems but lately they've come up a lot. They go in shifts: I'll sleep fine for a while, and then I'll gradually get worse and worse. At that point, in the past, I would take sleeping pills for a week (maybe two) to get myself regular again. Now, I'm trying to fight it without sleeping pills, so maybe that's why it's affecting me a bit longer than usual? But I can do this, drug free. I hate taking sleeping pills.

Anyhoo, I am a total believer that sleep helps you lose weight. Sometimes I wake up in the morning when my boyfriend's getting ready to leave for work, so I'm up but still tired, and I'll weigh myself and think, "huh, that should be lower." I'll go back to bed for a couple hours (he leaves really early) and weigh myself again and, sure enough, it's down to where it should be. The power of sleep, people. The power of sleep.

Going on that thought, I got amazing sleep last night. I don't know if it was my determination not to read, or if being tired just finally caught up with me (I'm betting on the latter, because I did try to read, but couldn't hack it), but I went to sleep around 10 p.m. and woke up at 11 a.m. I woke up for a little while in between, as I am wont to do, but not for too long. Mostly just enough to glance at the clock. It was more and more regular in the morning (I started waking up around 8:30, it just took me 2 1/2 hours to be fully awake) until I finally got my ass out of bed.

I'm normally not one to sleep that long or that late, but sometimes you need it. Ya know?

Anyhoo, having said that, it's Wednesday, which means it's time to weigh-in and review my goals. Here we go:

Week two weigh-in: -1.5 lbs

(Aplausa, grazi)

When I weighed in on Monday I was down two pounds, but I had Olive Garden that night, and yesterday I had birthday cake, and honestly I've been slacking in the workout department, so I wasn't expecting it to stay there. I was reeeally hoping, but I'm OK with what I have.

I just remembered what I waned to blog about, so I'll make it short. A little while ago I blogged about weighing regularly and if that helps or hampers? At the time I was trying to not weigh-in and see where that got me, but I've since learned that I like weighing in. It gives me an extra boost of motivation to see my progress reflected on the scale and know that it's not a fluke, but that I made that happen. It also helps me realize when I'm getting off track so I can steer myself back quicker.

Anyway, on with the goals, as outlined for Southbeach Steve's Perfect 10 Challenge:

1. Lose 15 pounds.
     Chugging right along. Lost 3 pounds total, with 8 weeks left (maintaining my 1.5 pound average).
2. Complete the 35-mile bike loop near my house.
     Still in training mode, but I'm making progress.
3. Walk/Jog 2+ hours per week.
     Is check-in day the first or last day of the week? I've been counting it as the first, in which case I didn't quite reach this (I ask because that's the next thing on my agenda for today, which would bring me up to 2 hours). Again, I was a little lazy this week.
4. Complete the first two phases of CLX.
     I'm steadily working toward this!
5. Learn about and apply nutrition to my life more fully.
     I didn't do too much toward this goal this week, but my text book arrived last night and class starts next week, so that will be changing shortly.
6. Make a weekly meal plan and stick to it.
     Let's see, this is probably about 85-90% accurate (take out the Olive Garden dinner and birthday cake snack), so I think that's still good. After all, life doesn't always go as planned.
7. Log what I eat 5+ days per week.
     When I was reflecting on my progress to myself, I thought, I hope this is part of homework for my nutrition class so I actually do it next week. Then I thought, hell, if I can do it for homework for someone else, why not for me? I've officially assigned this as homework for next week. It will be done!
8. Get to sleep by midnight 5+ days per week.
     I accomplished 4 days, but I only count one since yesterday was the first time I actually stayed asleep. But hopefully I'll be able to take that and run with it to get my sleep patterns in order. :)
Over all I think I'm content with my progress. My biggest frustration is that, while I am working out, I'm not working out quite as much as I'd like to. A lot of this has to do with my sleep, though. I'm worthless when I'm tired, so with my sleeping patterns all out of whack I've been getting more and more worthless. I can feel it in my workouts, which have been steadily declining in quality as well as quantity, yet at the time it's all I can do. Today, though, I feel great, so I plan on getting a great workout in.

On that note, I'm itching to get a good workout in, so I will see you happy people later. Have a lovely day!

ETA: Eventually I'll remember this part of it right off the bat. Anyhoo, part of the challenge is revealing something new about yourself. So... I don't know why this popped in my head, but when I was in fourth grade I got in trouble for calling 900 numbers and costing my parents a pretty penny. What was I calling? Why, the New Kids on the Block (yes, this was before they became just NKOTB) hotline, of course. You could call and leave a message and they would listen (supposedly, though now that I'm no longer 10 years old I know better). I have no idea why I thought it was cool that I could leave them a message, but I remember worrying I would get in trouble so I'd wait till the opportune moment and practically whisper the message so as to keep quiet. When my parents confronted me about it, I vehemently denied it... as though the phone company just made a mistake, I guess, since no one else in the house would have been a likely suspect. For shame! Both my boyfriend and I have stories like this, so I just know if we have kids it'll be thrown back in our face. I just hope they take after me because my boyfriend's story is totally worse, both in who he was calling and how much it cost.

Reading makes you FAT!!!

2010-01-12T18:48:00.000-08:00

Bet you didn't know that, did you? Sure, "they" talk about how watching too much TV makes you fat, or too much time on the computer, eating too much food, etc. etc. etc. But they don't warn you that too much READING will make you fat!

OK, obviously too much of anything isn't a good thing, but seriously, I've had a major problem with this. For the past week (or two?) my biggest road block to going to bed at a decent hour, working out, eating, and whatever else has been reading. I have a huge, huge personal library (literally, book cases full. I LOVE reading) and, in a normal situation, I read like a relatively normal person. But, I've been taking care of my grandma for the last almost-year, which means I've been staying in her house, which means a ton of my stuff is in storage, namely my bookshelves and 99% of the books that are on it. All of this means I haven't been reading regularly because I don't have the books (and I need to go get a library card). I got talking to a friend of mine about reading, though, and she let me borrow some books and, I'm guessing because I haven't read in so long, since then I spend hours reading every day. I read pretty fast, but I've still been averaging a book a day (300-750 pages per book).

She only gave me two books this Sunday so I finished the second one yesterday. And, by gum (huh. Don't know why I felt like saying that) I'm going to quit the obssession!! The text for my nutrition class arrived today so I will allow myself to read that, but otherwise I need to take a break for a few days here, get my sleeping patterns back to normal once and for all (either I stay up till 4 a.m. and go to sleep, or I go to sleep at 9 a.m., wake up at 1 a.m., then go back to sleep at 5 a.m.-ish). I really, really, really want to have normal sleeping patterns, but when I wake up at 1 a.m. I'm not content to just go back to sleep because I've got a book to finish! Then when I finish it, I'm thinking about... something. Anything. Maybe related to the books, maybe not. It's so damn frustrating. I am determined to conquer the sleeping problem! Sometimes I'll refrain from napping, thinking then I'll be tired enough to go to sleep and stay asleep, but even then I still go to bed late or wake up for a few hours in the middle of the night.

Lame-o. That's my super scientific word for this.

In better news, I did a sneak peak weigh-in yesterday morning and I'd be happy if I saw that number tomorrow as well. However, my boyfriend and I then decided to go out to a spur-of-the-moment birthday dinner (mine was a few weeks ago, his is today), and went to Olive Garden (I volunteer every week for a few teachers and for Christmas they got me a gift card to Olive Garden). I'm hoping that doesn't set me back, first of all. But, second, I noticed something interesting.

I used to go to Olive Garden and Cheesecake Factory a lot. Like, at least once a week. I just noticed yesterday how different the person I am now is from the person I was then. Back then, it was almost like an unspoken contest between a friend and I to see who could eat the most (I went to these restaurants with the same friend all the time). We'd go to Cheesecake Factory and order a huge appetizer, sometimes to share, sometimes one each, then their huge entree, then of course the cheesecake, and most of the time I would clear my plates. If anyone has been to Cheesecake Factory you know that's a LOT of food. I'm sure I easily ate thousands of calories in one sitting.

Last night, though, I did eat much of the appetizer my boyfriend and I were sharing, but then I at only one breadstick (unprecedented -- normally I eat one basket), a whole crap load of salad, barely touched my dinner before boxing it up (and after realizing today how greasy it is, a vast majority of it is going in the trash), and just had a couple bites of his cheesecake (I really, really love cheesecake). So, I'm pretty impressed with how far I've come. I probably could have chosen something better from the menu, but at least I didn't eat much of the bad thing I did choose.

Anyhoo, I have to go get on my boyfriend's birthday dinner because he'll be home soon, but we'll chat tomorrow for my weekly goals update!! Goodnight, y'all.

Tweet tweet, tweet-a-leet

2010-01-07T15:15:00.000-08:00

Hey! I'm new to Twitter! I never paid attention to anyone's names (handles? SN?) before because, um, I didn't have a twitter account. But now I do! So tell me how to find you! I'm FitFrannie.

Goals updates!

2010-01-07T04:49:00.000-08:00

OK, time for the update. I was going to do this earlier, then my boyfriend and I decided to go for a round of my favorite pseudo-sport: Bowling! I love bowling and I haven't been in SO long. When I got home I actually was tired enough to go to bed. Eep! I'm pretty sure I was asleep by midnight! Then, of course, I woke up and couldn't get back to sleep... Yargh. Anyhoo, let's talk about happy stuff:

Week one weight loss: -1.5 lbs!!

I can't begin to tell you how happy that makes me. First, it's right on target, and second, that's without even having a full week. I was having some serious stomache issues that weren't really allowing me to exercise much or eat well. I waited till I think Sunday to get my starting weight so that it wouldn't be affected by the apparent illness (turns out, it wasn't anyway, the weight was the same. I'm really not a fluctuater. Some of y'all talk about how you can fluctuate five pounds in a day, and for me it's like, What??? Five pounds? That's crazy! I sometimes weigh myself multiple times in a day to see how things change and, honestly, I don't think I've had more than a 2 pound fluctuation in one day, ever. Even after eating a giant, salt-laden meal. But, I digress.).

Anyhoo, on to my Perfect 10 goals. At first I was a little bummed with myself because I didn't do so well, but I've decided not to be upset. First off, there's 10 things here, and it'd be pretty tough to start them all in a week! Second, I just signed on for the challenge Saturday, so this is a weird half-week situation.

1. Complete the 35-mile bicycle loop near my house.
     This is an "end of the challenge" goal, so I won't be completing it till a little closer to March!
2. Ride my bike three hours per week the first two. Bump it up accordingly thereafter.
     I'm a little disappointed with myself on this one because I only managed one hour. I blame it on the stomache issue. Without going into too much detail, it didn't make for comfortable riding.
3. Walk 2+ hours each week.
   This was something a little easier for me to do, though I didn't quite get to two. I would have if it were a full week, though.
4. Log my food 5+ days per week.
     Eep. Fail. I logged one day. I fear this really will be my toughest goal.
5. Complete the first two phases of CLX.
     The first two phases take about 60 days, and I've got myself scheduled to start tomorrow, so I should still be on track.
6. Lose 15 pounds.
     On track! Need to average 1.5 pounds per week, and despite the short week, that's what I did!
7. Make an effort to learn about and apply nutrition to my life more fully.
     Success, actually. This was one I expected to let slide till school starts, but I've been doing some reading which I expect my next week's meal plan to reflect.
8. Go to bed by midnight on a regular basis.
     Um. No. No is the easy answer.
9. Make a weekly meal plan and stick to it.
     Kind of...? I'm not sure that it's been a total success, but I did make a meal plan and I've been eating well though I haven't stuck to it exactly, so I think I'm still OK.
10. Start writing again.
     Also no. I misunderstood and came up with more goals then perhaps I needed to, so this is one that may swim with the fishes, so to speak, just because I really haven't decided what specifically I want to do yet. I mean, hey, technically my blog is writing, but I'll tell you my blog won't satisfy the desire in my head. The only way to reach a goal is to set a specific goal in the first place.

Overall, I'm really OK with my progress so far. Like I mentioned, I didn't actually have to come up with 10 goals, so I was kind of thinking to myself that I'll weed out some of the weaker goals as I go along so I can focus on the stronger goals and not feel like a failure for not meeting them all. So, I'm just going to make the decision right now that number 10 is gone. Also, 1 and 2 need to be combined, methinks, as obviously I'm going to have to train, which marks progress toward that goal. I'm also changing the "go to bed" goal to "5+ days per week" as opposed to "on a regular basis." Again with the being specific. So, here's my new Perfect 10 goals (other than changes I just mentioned, I also changed the order. The first is what I want to see on the scale after all my effort. The next three are what I'm going to do with exercise, then three on what I'm going to do with nutrition, and finally sleep):

Lose 15 pounds.
Complete the 35-mile bike loop by my house.
Walk/Jog 2+ hours per week.
Complete the first two phases of CLX.
Learn about and apply nutrition to my life more fully.
Make a meal plan and stick to it.
Log what I eat 5+ days per week.
Go to bed by midnight 5+ days per week.

I'm happier with that.

Alright, now that it's said and done, I'm going to attempt to go back to sleep because I need to wake up in four hours. Oh joy! Here's to a successful week!

Oh wait! I almost forgot! Something about me... As part of the challenge, we're to reveal something about ourselves each week.

I actually thought about this when leaving a comment on another blog, then I saw South Beach Steve posted his update, and his suggestion was kind of related, so here it is: When I first started college (gawd, over 10 years ago, how did that happen?) I was an exercise science major. This probably explains why I exercised so much back then! I learned tons about the body and exercise, and that's why I generally feel pretty comfortable in a gym (I had some recent moments of insecurity, but it actually is something I have a pretty good base in.). Nutrtion has always been my biggest battle, and unfortunately (surprisingly) nutrition wasn't part of my program so I'm still relatively clueless. That's going to change, though! I'm going to make it part of my totally unrelated program now that I'm working on another degree. BTW, I was an exercise science major because I planned on being a doctor and was taking a different-but-not route.

OK, now on THAT note I'm going back to bed. =D

BL and football and dawgies.

2010-01-06T00:01:00.000-08:00

HOLY CRAP. I just finished watching BL (I recorded it, so I'm a little late) and the guy that was eliminated lost 100 lbs in 2 months at home??? Whaaat?! That is CRAZY. I know he was a pretty big guy, but still. I had a brief moment of feeling pretty lame-o since if I lost weight at that rate (just theoretically, I know it's not a healthy or even remotely realistic thing for me and I'm not considering it) I'd be at my goal weight in six weeks. Can you imagine? Of course, that's not life, and I'm OK with that as long as it comes off at a reasonable rate.

On Sundays my boyfriend and I go to some friends of ours to watch football. It's a family we met through bowling and totally love. Anyhoo, I was talking to one of them about the show and we both had the same feeling... It's great that they're showing it's possible for these huge people to lose weight without surgery, but at the same time I wish they'd have some more "normal" fat people. Like me. Now, though, people my size are the skinny people on the show. Somehow, it seems like the bigger the people get, the more they seem to focus on just that -- how big they are. But, with them being larger, they lose a lot more weight than, say, someone my size, and I think that's part of the problem some people have with the show - perpetuating the belief that people can miraculously lose all this weight (30 pounds in a week? What?) with seemingly little effort. And, yeah, obviously that took a lot of effort, but we only see a minor piece of that puzzle (it's a two hour show, but how much of it is actually focused on their diet and exercise when you take out things such as the actual weigh-in, the challenges, the getting-to-know-you moments, and whatever else) so, to the watcher, despite knowing better, it doesn't seem like it took that much effort, so then we're all, "Man, and I can't even lose 2 pounds a week? What a loser."

These are my hiking buddies. The one with the awesome hair is Cocoa (usually it's spiked up, because he's a rock star, but it started snowing on this particular hike so his hair got a little flat), and the black and white one is his girlfriend with one of the puppies from their litter, born over a year ago. I can't believe those little guys are over a year old now. I keep in touch with their new parents, but that particular puppy I get to see every week since she's living with the people I was just talking about last paragraph. I'm really proud of the fact that a couple of her puppies are therapy dogs (she is, too, and he's getting trained for it. It just takes him a bit longer because he's always so excited, and one of the requirements is that they stay for a certain distance. He's getting pretty good now, though).

While we're talking about pets, why not transition to my cat and dog, Bamm Bamm and Pebbles (respectively), aka the dynamic duo. I got them two months apart, and they were both very young, so now they totally love each other. They often like to rumble in the hallway, and my grandma's pretty convinced that if I record it and send it to something like America's Funniest Home Videos, I will win $10,000 (or whatever their top prize is now). Maybe I'll have to try it some day, because it is actually pretty cute.

I know this has nothing to do with weight loss, but I promise tomorrow we'll get back on topic, with our first weekly check on my goals. So, till then!

Time for goals! Big ones! Little ones! Long ones! Short ones!

2010-01-02T16:15:00.000-08:00

I know I said it not long ago, but now that the craziness of the holidays, and all the traveling that goes with it, is out the window, finished, kaput... I feel a stronger sense of recommittal. Of course it comes with a mean stomache ... issue. I don't really know what's going on. I was fine the night of New Year's Eve, but just as I was getting ready to go to sleep that night my stomache suddenly got some crazy, crazy cramps and I just felt all around terrible. Now I feel OK, but my stomache is still not so happy, though I'm not nearly as nauseous as I was. Yesterday I felt like I was spending just as much time in the bathroom as out. After taking a crazy four hour nap, I did manage to go on a bike ride yesterday, but my boyfriend and I were freezing (of course it was nice all day, till I finally decided I was ready to go), and after not working out for a little while my legs were killing me, so we didn't end up going the whole way.

For the record, there are people on that trail who make me feel like a total slug. I'll be chugging along, thinking I'm doing OK despite the crazy pains in my lower quad/upper knee area, when all the sudden I get passed like I'm walking. Some days it's discouraging, but yesterday on the way back I decided instead of letting it discourage me I'd let it motivate me. Every time I got passed, I'd kick my intensity up, even if I already thought I was at my max. I wasn't able to keep it up too long, but I do feel like I got a pretty good workout. When we got home we talked to a neighbor who never talks to us (we think she was just being nice since we caught her dog going to the bathroom in our yard) and she was talking about the trail. She said the first time she did the whole loop, it took her 6 1/2 hours. And I thought, hey, if I don't put some crazy time restriction on myself, maybe I could do it, too. So, I haven't decided yet on how long I'm going to give myself, but sometime in the next few weeks I'd like to complete the loop. And by long I mean when I'll complete it by, not how long it'll actually take me to do. I'm going to not worry about it... finishing is more important right now. Oh, also, it's almost 35 miles long so this is quite a feat for me.

Actually, now that I say that, I was planning on completing a 10-week challenge anyway, so maybe I'll make the loop one of my goals. Which, hey, why don't we just get into that. I've seen some of the different challenges around and have wanted to join, but it seems like I always find out about them too late. So, I'm technically a day late on this one, but he's giving everyone a grace period, which means I'm still A-OK.

The challenge comes from Steve at logmyloss.com, and you can find out more about it by going here. If you're interested in challenging yourself, you have till Jan. 7 to throw your hat in the ring. It's a 10 week challenge to kick off 2010, and it involves 10 goals. Mine are the following:

Complete the 35-mile bicycle loop near my house.
I don't know if the training should be assumed in that goal, but I want it spelled out. So, for the first two weeks, I want to ride my bike at least three hours each week. Depending on how my booty handles the pain, I'll rewrite this goal every two weeks thereafter.
Walk at least two hours each week.
Log my food choices at least five days each week (this is one of those goals that seems impossible to me for some damn reason).
Complete the first two phases of CLX.
Lose about 15 pounds by the end of the 10 weeks (average 1.5 pounds lost per week, which will put me in line to be a healthy weight by my birthday next year, which is my ultimate goal).
Embrace my nutrition class and actually apply it to my life (technically my class doesn't start for another couple weeks, but I'm going to do what I can till then).
Get into the habit of going to bed by midnight (WHY oh WHY is this so difficult for me?!?!?!).
a) Plan my meals every week. b) Stick to the plan!
Start writing again. I'll have to clarify this as I go along. I want it to be a goal, but I'm not exactly sure how to go about doing it yet. I just know I used to write a lot, and I used to be great at it, and for some reason that's all gone down hill, and I miss it.

Wow. Coming up with 10 goals for the next 10 weeks was way more difficult then I expected. But, there they are.

As far as my goals for the year, I feel like posting those, too.

The big one, lose 75 pounds by my birthday. That gives me 49 weeks exactly, if I start January 6 (we'll just consider the days leading up to that a jump start, not an excuse to slack off... I've done enough of that over the last couple weeks). That translates to losing just over 1.5 pounds each week, which I think is doable, right? I have difficulties with this time and time again, but I want so badly for things to be different, and I finally feel like maybe I'm taking some steps toward making that a reality.

I guess every other goal really goes along with that first one. I want to get healthy, stop being so lazy, take control of the bad habits in my life, and let myself know that I'm worthy of success. I want to stop blaming myself when things go wrong, but also try more so I can be confident I did everything in my power to make it right. I want to be more honest with myself. I want to set some small goals and feel worthy of taking the steps toward accomplishing them.

To keep myself on track for the weight loss portion of that I need to try to meet the following small goals:
#1: Lose 10 pounds by February 14.
#2: Lose 25 pounds by April 28.
#3: Lose 50 pounds by August 18
#4: Lose 75 pounds by December 15.

Whew, OK, I think that's just about enough goal talk this time. We'll revisit this often, though. I think one thing I haven't done enough of is set a goal and then follow-up on it, so I want to do a whole lot of that. Oh, and the goal as far as my blog goes? I know I was doing daily for a while, but that's just not working for me any more (evidenced by my major silences lately), so I think I'm going to give myself some slack. Wednesday will be my check-in day on all things goals, and that will include posting a weekly weigh-in, something I've neglected for a long time. Anything else will be icing on the cake. While I'm committing to only blogging once a week, though, I do want to try to get here more often, maybe with some recipes I discover, or new workouts I love, or whatever I can do to spice this place up a little! It's been boring and slow, and I'm so usually not the boring and slow type... so maybe that's part of the reason I haven't been updating. Hmm, perhaps!

Anyway, I have things I must do, but I hope you're all looking forward to a successful new year as much as I am!

'Tis the season...

2009-12-23T19:10:00.000-08:00

...To get my ass whooped left and right. Sorry it's been quiet around here, but things have been KRAZY, with a kapital K. (Further proof of my temporary insanity...)

Anyhoo, I don't really have time for an update, but I know it's pretty common for people to disappear and never come back and I just wanted to reassure that I am not that person. I may be the person who often disappears for several days without a word, but I will definitely come back.

Sometime soon, this blog will resume its purpose... to track my weight loss efforts and results. Lookin' forward to that day, I have to tell you, and also looking forward to TUESDAY, because Tuesday is supposed to mean the insanity is over! Ooh, and because my boyfriend bought me a ring as an early Christmas present (not an engagement ring, just an "I love you" ring, but he's never bought me jewelry in all the years we've been together, so I'm taking it as a good sign), but it's currently being sized, so I'll be able to pick it up on Tuesday night. YAY! Oh, and by the way, my finger is a size smaller than it used to be. Almost a size and a half, actually. Fancy! NSV?

Anyhoo, I know for a fact I won't be back here before Christmas so, to all those who celebrate, Merry Christmas! I hope it's special for you all.

No need to rush

2009-12-15T14:20:00.000-08:00

First off, thanks for the birthday wishes! I've been getting them from everywhere, including some people I never expected, and it's a little overwhelming (in a good way, of course). Your comments also have me even more excited about ~~getting older~~ aging gracefully then I was before. I always felt like I was supposed to dread my 30s (I can only guess it's from about five or six years ago when I hung out with a slightly older crowd, all of whom were turning 30 around the same time and depressed about it) so I felt bad that I didn't really want to have a crazy blowout this year to mourn the coming of 29.

In actuality, part of the reason I didn't want to do it this year is because I have a blowout celebration planned for next year. That and, oh yeah, I'm really poor this year (thanks, economy!) so I have to spend my pennies wisely if I'm going to keep my bills paid.

Also, I wanted to clarify from yesterday. When I said I'm not a birthday person, what I meant to say is that I'm not the kind of person who gets depressed about getting older. I'm not sure why I said it that way, but I think you got what I meant since the rest of my post was stated correctly.

I was going to do an update on my progress this morning, but seeing as how things haven't really changed in the numbers department I'm just not feeling it. But, I'm not discouraged. Thing is, I've really been wanting to get my exercise under control, more than anything. When I'm exercising, everything else falls into place so much easier. And I'm on my way with that. I didn't get to exercise each and every day of the past 10 because I had crazy things happening (the sickness was the major one, which I kind of downplayed here), but I exercised most of those days. The thing is, since I was sick, my eating has been crap. Yesterday, I realized I completely forgot to eat until about 5:30 p.m., when I got home from my bike ride. I don't mean I didn't eat well, I mean I just didn't eat. Didn't drink either. Explains my quads giving up on me, huh? They were literally dying from the lack of food and water all day.

So, when you combine crappy eating and a new weight lifting regimen, my weight is actually higher, despite all the extra exercise. Like I said, though, I'm (mostly) OK with it. In the past I've always rushed into everything and then given up, but the fact is that a lifestyle change isn't going to happen overnight, so there's no need to rush it, right? So, I'll take the next couple weeks to get my exercising solidified (it takes three weeks to form a habit, I've heard) and then I'll start making the next perma-change: My nutrition.

One step at a time. Because I'm a slow learner. =)

Having said that, off to get ready to spend some birthday time with grandma, with my boyfriend and my brother joining later. Fun!

In an hour, I will be "older"

2009-12-14T23:09:00.000-08:00

I should probably start this blog off as saying... I'm totally not a birthday person. I really don't care that this is the eve of my last year in the 20s. I always joke about waking up an old hag, but it's just a joke. I actually enjoy getting older because of a few things:

I look very young for my age, so it can be hard getting the respect I deserve. But, now that I'm on the eve of 29, I'm looking closer to mid-20s, so people aren't unfairly treating me like a "young and dumb" kid anymore. Seriously, trying to teach 14-year-olds when I was 23 and didn't look a day over 18? Not the easiest thing I've ever done. I got really tired of hearing from parents, "Oh, you're the teacher?" in their doubtful tone.
I have the promise of a wonderful career not far ahead of me. I plan to graduate and begin working at 30, so rather than the death spiral, or whatever it is people fear about turning 30, I've got something great to look forward to.
I'm hoping to get married and have some kids in my 30s, which is something awesome to look forward to.
Every year, I feel like I'm one step closer to the happiness I imagined for myself when I was growing up. It's a little later than I planned, but it's more fulfilling, so that's OK.
I'm starting to be at peace with myself, and as the days pass the reality of being healthy and fit by 30 is becoming more and more believable.

One thing I forgot to mention yesterday, the college program I'm taking is very structured. You take specific classes during specific semesters, and there's not a lot of wiggle room (our state had a lot budget cuts to higher education, so they have to use their money wisely). So next semester I'm supposed to take one less class than I normally would, and I wasn't exactly sure what I wanted to fill the hole with. Then, I happened to notice there's a "principles of nutrition" class being offered, and that's seriously the one thing I have the hardest time with in this life change, so I figured, what the heck? Why not? So, I'm now enrolled in a nutrition class. Hopefully I'll learn something!

Speaking of nutrition, I totally ate a vegetable plate by myself during Monday Night Football. I suppose it could have been worse!

I went on my bike ride today, and apparently I must have screwed around quite a bit last time because I shaved off about 20 minutes this time. Granted I was in a hurry tonight because it was almost dark when I left, but still. That's a whole lotta' time. It was pretty tough on my quads, though -- I actually had to walk a bit of the trail because they totally froze up -- so instead of adding time, I think I'm going to work on improving my performance, then add time/distance probably next week. Also, I switched out my seat. The new one is a lot more comfortable so I think I should be able to go riding tomorrow, too, which would be delightful.

By the way... Go 49ers!

Excitement in the house

2009-12-13T23:16:00.000-08:00

I got back from out of town a few hours ago, and have been oh-so-busy since. Today I was exhausted for some reason. I woke up at 8 a.m., when all the sudden it sounded like the window above my bed was going to break because there was a major storm outside. Seriously, scared the hell out of me. And I think it only lasted maybe 15 minutes. Weirdest thing. Anyway, I ended up taking I think three naps today, even though I got a full 10 hours at night (though I did wake up a couple times in the night - maybe that had something to do with it?). It was really weird. Either it's the last of the illness leaving my body, or... maybe I'm catching up on missed sleep? I dunno. For the record, I fully intend to go to bed as soon as I finish this.

Oh, also? Crazy storm really cleared the air, which helped so much with my breathing. I was so excited when I woke up at 6 a.m. (my boyfriend forgot to turn off his alarm) and could actually breathe through my nose. Been doing it all day, thank you very much.

GREAT thing happened today. To preface it: Last week I didn't get to ride my bike. Some reasons I mentioned here (sick, busy, etc), but some I did not. Specifically, my boyfriend FINALLY got a job!!! (his trade is not exactly thriving right now, so he hasn't had a *real* job in about 1 1/2 years. ...But I think he might have finally found a real job.) What does my boyfriend working and my bike riding have to do with each other? Well, the hills around my house are crazy and I'm not quite fit enough to ride them, so I drive to a trail that's a little easier for me. But, in order to get my bike to said trail, we had to take it in my boyfriend's truck. Now, though, he has to take the truck to work, of course, and doesn't get home till dark, so... we haven't been able to go. Even if I was healthy and not busy.

Today, though? Today my boyfriend brought home an early present, of sorts: A bike rack for my car!! So now I can just load my bike onto my car and drive it wherever the heck I please. This is silly, but I'm SO EXCITED. Tomorrow, as soon as I wake up, I plan on loading up my bike and heading out to my new favorite trail for a delightful little ride.

I think one of the reasons I'm so excited is because I've really missed snowboarding. Like, *really* missed. When I lived where it snowed, that was pretty much how I spent my winter. But, I haven't been in several years because I'm too fat, too out of shape, and just plain ol' too incapable (reminder that I might not mention here much, I have had knee problems since I was 12, and the heavier I get, the worse they get). I was thinking there was just no way I'd be able to go this year, but now I don't know... My boyfriend mentioned the possibility of going late January or early February, and I gotta' say, I'm very tempted. Classes don't start again till January 18, so I won't have to worry about that... So. I dunno. We'll see what happens. I don't exactly know how fit a person can get in 5 or 6 weeks, but I will definitely try, and part of this will be riding my bike three times a week as I had originally planned. I figure I probably won't be great at snowboarding, but I'll get to go and conquer that fear, at least, so that should be fun. Because, yes, it has turned into a fear.

OK, so, bicycle, snowboarding... not much else to say tonight. Back tomorrow for another update!

A bump in the road

2009-12-11T16:24:00.000-08:00

So, I seriously barely remember making that last post... Not good. Also not good? The way I felt yesterday. Yuck. It appears all of my stress from finishing up school took its toll on my body. I slept for a total of about 12 or 13 hours yesterday (10 or 11 at night, then a 2 hour nap later on). I did my weekly volunteer work (it was right after I woke up, and I still felt OK), and then I was physically incapable of doing much of anything else--including my workout. I hoped maybe my allergies were just really getting to me, but the allergy meds weren't making a huge difference. Plus, I'm new to allergies, but usually it only seems to affect my sinuses. This time I was all achy and weak and lethargic. My fears were confirmed when we went to the store to get grandma ice cream (we get her rocky road, which I don't like, so it's not a temptation for me). I had the craziest craving for ice cream and candy. This type of serious craving ONLY happens when I'm sick, for some reason, so that pretty much solidified my fears.

I laid pretty low and slept another eight or nine hours last night, and have to say I'm feeling a bit better today. Well enough that I was able to finish the last of my school work, at least. It's now late afternoon/early evening and I'm still feeling OK, so I'm going to go try to workout and hope I don't get all crazy dizzy and lightheaded. I'll report back later on that progress!

I hate, hate, hate being sick. I don't get sick often, so when I do I'm totally lame. Which means when I ate yesterday, it was crap-ay. Yargh. Hopefully I can go remedy that with a good workout!

Until next time...

Countdown continues... but first there must be sleep.

2009-12-10T00:18:00.000-08:00

Sometimes you just want to take a break from a few priorities. Like today.

I love you, but my brain hasn't completely wrapped around everything else I did today, therefore the blog is getting pushed down the priority list (in favor of "sleep").

I don't know if it's worth posting a blog when you aren't going to say anything (my inclination is: No.), but I just didn't feel right about going to bed without at least saying something, since I promised I would.

Anyhoo, tomorrow is back to the previously scheduled program, with a LOT of stress having gone out the window. We'll chat then, OK lovelies?

Countdown, day 7

2009-12-08T23:35:00.000-08:00

This will be a quickie because I have to wake up early for court (yay, court. Though I'm not as stressed about it as I was 24 hours ago. Long story, but let's just say we got good news). However, blogging daily is one of the requirements of my 10 day countdown, so there you go.

My exercise was spot on today. I did about 45 minutes of cardio and about 20 minutes of yoga to stretch out my poor muscles. I had planned on doing another 30 minutes of cardio, but I had really pushed myself to the point of exhaustion already so I decided against it. I would do it right now, but exercise wakes me up and I need to go to sleep.

Tomorrow is supposed to be a rest day, and I really don't want it to end up as one but, I have to admit, I'm a little nervous. I've got a pretty nonstop day tomorrow, plus a final that I haven't been able to study for too well because I've been busy freaking out about court. So, I'm asking myself to just fit in 30 minutes on the treadmill. That's all. I'm hoping I can work it out so that I do it before class, with a book propped in front of me so I don't feel like I'm wasting precious study time. But if I have to do it afterwards, well, so be it. Either way, my goal is to just fit in that 30 minutes. That's not asking for much, right?

Anyway, things are going better than I expected. I'll share all the details at the end of the countdown, though, because I don't want to jinx myself. =D

OK, then, off to bed!

Countdown, 8 days left to birthday bonanza!

2009-12-07T18:09:00.000-08:00

Today is the day I've been waiting a LONG time for.

After finishing my weight session, which kicked my ass today by the way, I wasn't really feeling up to doing a cardio video so I threw in Young Guns and hopped on the treadmill instead. And you know what? I went a whole half hour without having to stop to stretch. A. Ma. Zing. THIRTY MINUTES. For me, that's a remarkable feat. Something I haven't been able to do in a long time, since my calves first started freaking out on me. The first time I noticed crazy calf problems was Memorial Day 2008 (so, a year and a half ago).

The moment I turned off the treadmill and realized that my calves were still OK? So OK that I could have kept going if I didn't need to go cook dinner? That reminded me why I'm doing all of this, and really reinforced that it's all worth it. I don't want to give false impressions, I don't know for sure that I could have done another half hour or anything, but for the first time in a long time I wasn't stopping because of my calves.

I'm so excited right now I don't even know what else to blog about. Um. Food's been great today. Again, I feel like it's a bit low, but everything's been very nutritious and I don't feel hungry, so I'm going with it. My workout was amazing, really pushed myself. My abs are so sore from yesterday, which I love because another reason I used to hate ab work is that I felt like I was working them so hard but then I never felt any pain the next day. I like the day-after pain. Today, my entire core has some day-after pain. I was bummed I didn't get to go on a bike ride because of the weather (SO much rain), but I think I'm going to have to get used to it because the forecast is looking rather bleak this week.

Um, what else? I just noticed after I put in my title that I don't have any specific plans for my birthday. I honestly just feel like doing something low-key this year (my high-key celebrations always land me in trouble. After 2007's birthday, I had to use crutches for about a month and then walk around with a boot for another six months). Next year I'll be 30 and in great shape, so next year I'll do something grandiose. Then again, a flashback-style party at the skating rink might be delightful.... Hmm.

Anyhoo, I've got things to do so I must leave you now, but I hope you're all having just as great of a day as I am!!

Countdown begins, Day 9

2009-12-07T00:47:00.000-08:00

Alrighty then... so I mentioned in the previous post that I was going to be doing some serious ass kicking over the next 10 days in regards to my exercise and eating. Why 10 days? Because I turn 29 that day. This is Day 1. Or, because it's a countdown, Day 9 (with my birthday being Day 0). I foresee a couple of hard days because I'll be at my parents' for a couple of those days, and attempting to eat healthy at my parents' is not easy.* (I don't normally do footnotes, but this came out really wordy so see below if you're interested)

I'm going to bring some groceries and see what I can do to convince my parents to eat in. For them it's relaxing to eat out, so it can be tough to talk them into letting me cook. What's the difference, other than a saved trip in the car and some saved moola? And, it looks like my boyfriend might be getting a job, in which case we won't be able to stay there for more than the weekend. I love my parents so it's really easy to talk me into staying there for a while, but it's not exactly good for my health so it'll be nice to have an excuse to go home without feeling like a jerk.

Anyway, today I'm very happy with how I ate. It doesn't seem like I ate enough, but I didn't feel hungry, still don't, so I guess that's all in my head. Thing is, I feel I aim for a much lower calorie input than the average dieter because I'm very sedentary. All my school stuff and all my work stuff is on the computer, and it all takes up a LOT of my time, so I spend a very large portion of the day on my butt. I do it all from home, too, so it's not like I can take a quick jog up the stairs or walk to work or something (school is almost 15 miles away and I take night classes, so walking there is also out of the question). So a sedentary ("normal") day I try not to eat more than 1200 calories, and then I bump it up as needed to fuel any workouts I may be doing.

My water is a little low today, but I'm still working on it. Just for kicks today, I got this giant jug and decided to fill it with water. It's just over 100 ounces, and I seem to have come across a lot of research that says, when dieting, aim for half your weight in water each day. Half my weight in water would mean I need to drink about 110 ounces, give or take. It was kind of an experiment and... I guess it's going OK. I didn't even fill the jug until the afternoon, so in the past 10 hours, roundabout, I've drank about half the jug. If I just get in my 64 ounces I'll be happy.

My workouts were awesome today. I started off with an aerobic/light weight resistence video. I've recently started my first round of ChaLEAN Extreme (aka CLX -- check out beachbody.com if you aren't sure what that is) and I'm loving it. Basically, she does heavy lifting three days a week, then cardio/light lifting and abs another day, and then, I forget, I think cardio and stretching? Why that day is foggy right now I'm not sure, but there you have it. Anyway, so today was the cardio/lifting and abs day. I started with that, which came to just under an hour, then I did the treadmill for about 30 minutes and then did a cardio video for about 15 minutes, till my boyfriend came home and I realized it was dinner time.

I'm really glad I started CLX because I'm a big believer in lifting weights to lose weight and tone out (plus, I really love feeling strong. If I'm strong, I'm way less self-conscious about being over weight), but I've been having a really hard time with it since I let my gym membership expire. So this is perfect. It's hard because I'm so much weaker than I used to be, and sometimes it makes me sad that I've let my muscles atrophy so much, but the only way they're going to come back is if I work them. Having said that, I feel pretty motivated to keep it going.

With CLX you're supposed to have two rest days, but I've still been trying to do some cardio on those days. So far it's been bike riding for an hour (plus whatever, depending on my motivation). I mentioned an awesome trail near my house, and the boyfriend and I are loving it. Lots of hills and whatnot, so I can really feel it working my legs. It's a 34-mile loop, but we're just doing a small part of it right now (I was just looking at a map, and I'm guessing it's about five miles round trip with some crazy hills most of the way). Once I become more efficient (or feel like my booty can take a longer trip), we'll go a little farther. I'd like to make it to my brother's house which, from where we start the trail, looks like it's around 16 miles, round trip. I'll have to build my booty up for that, though, because right now it can't handle more than what I'm doing. If it could, I'd definitely be riding more than five miles. My school is near my brother's house, though, so if I could get accustomed to the trip, I could ride my bike there and then have my boyfriend drive me home (again, night classes, not OK with riding through the dark desert alone at 9 p.m.).

Oh, speaking of working the legs, I forgot to mention! Exciting news, for me. I've mentioned before that I get crazy, crazy leg cramps when I'm on the treadmill. Not normal "feel the burn" style, because I like that feeling, these are ridiculously debilitating cramps. As a refresher, they generally occur within the first five minutes of my workout, and a 30 minute workout will often take at least 45 minutes because I have to stop so many times to stretch. So for a while I decided the best thing to do was work on cardio other than treadmills (and uphill hiking, since those are the only two places it occurs) to get my stamina up, and then work on weight lifting and yoga to strengthen and stretch out the muscles.

Today's 30-minute jaunt was the first time I've been on a treadmill since I made that decision (I don't remember exactly when, but probably a month or so) and, YAY ME, I made it halfway through before I had to stretch and that was the only stretch break I had to take! This is HUGE for me. Seriously, if the trend continues I will probably email my old trainer just to tell her how excited I am since we were always working on minimizing that pain. Huge deal.

Alright, well, it's just after midnight so I need to go to bed, but you'll be getting countdown posts for the next several days till my birthday. This year, I just want to see how much ass kicking I can do in 10 days, I have no real weight goal. Though I guess my goal is just eating well and exercising for 10 days straight. Also, I'll finally update you guys on where I am since I haven't done that in a long while. But by next year's birthday I'd like to be down to about 160. That way I can start my thirties at a normal weight. How amazing would that feel? I can't even put it into words. I'm gonna guess I was last 160 when I was in elementary or middle school. That's a total guess, but I graduated around 185-190 and I don't feel my weight changed much in high school, so 160 must have been way before that. I didn't weigh myself back then, though, so who knows.

Anyhoo, love you all, but I must go to bed. Goodnight!

*My parents eat out more often than not, so there really isn't anything in the way of groceries at their house. I try to eat out with them and modify my meal, but last time I offended the waitress because: 1) I asked for my toast dry ["But that's the way he cooks it." "Um, could you ask him to NOT cook it that way?"] then 2) I asked if they had egg beaters or some alternative [seriously, I felt like an alien child for even asking]. I was going to ask if they had something like turkey bacon, but I was already on her shit list, I could tell, and if they can't do dry bread or egg beaters, they definitely can't do turkey bacon. It was supposed to be a sandwich on wheat toast with eggs and bacon and tomatoes. I got a greasy thing with way too much yolk for my liking (I'm used to mostly egg whites or egg beaters, so all the yolk just tastes way too rich for me now). Oh, and that's the only restaurant in town.

Quick update for the pantsers

2009-12-06T14:37:00.000-08:00

Hi all!

Sorry for the lack of updates lately. My great idea to get a second degree has been a major distraction now that the semester is coming to a close. Off the bat let me say, I’m a little embarrassed that I set my goal SO high and will definitely not be reaching it. Two pant sizes in two months is a LOFTY goal and I encourage any future pantsers to set their sights a little bit smaller. One size in two months is nothing to scoff at, and if you surpass it you will only be that much more excited. That’s a very small part of the reason I haven’t checked in lately (the much bigger part has to do with a 45-page paper, a 36-page paper, a 28-page paper, a couple of articles, lots of editing, two book transcriptions, not to mention quizzes and tests, all due in the last week).

Here’s the thing, though. I’m not getting so discouraged I’m quitting, and that alone is awesome for me. My results haven’t been what I hoped for, and I’ve had way more distractions and set-backs then I ever thought possible, and I’ve had to question my commitment and face the “What is wrong with me?” blues on more than one occasion, BUT I’m still plugging away. I’ve found a new trail near my house that my boyfriend and I have been riding our bikes on three days per week for at least an hour a day (my ass has not been very appreciative of this new hobby, or it would probably be more), and I’ve incorporated lifting weights into my game, along with some at-home cardio whenever I can fit it in. I’m trying really hard to not worry about the scale until my actual birthday, because a really badly-timed rough patch in there screwed me up, and looking at the scale reminds of that in a not-so-good kind of way. So I’ve just been focusing on how I feel instead, and that’s keeping me going. Today I feel great. Today I feel empowered. Today I feel really happy that I'm finally posting an update.

I figure I could get upset with myself for not making it, or I can be happy I tried, and be ecstatic that I've made some mental progress. And, I figure, with the semester almost out of the way, I can kick some major butt these last 10 days and see where I end up. Because that's so much classier than giving up. Right?

So at least I can say I’ll be finishing my journey in style. Srsly, working out like a rock star. And loving it.

(No idea what the Bloggerhood is all about? Go here.)

Why I'm ignoring you...

2009-12-02T16:22:00.000-08:00

Hi all! Sorry for the silence lately... It is completely unintentional. However, I have a million and two assignments due for school (we're at the end of the semester), and Thanksgiving weekend my boyfriend promised my dad I would help him with a project starting tomorrow morning, which means I have to finish everything by the time I go to bed tonight. Which means I have been going CRAZY.

I expect the silence to continue until this weekend since I won't have reliable internet access for a few days. However, I only have one 35-page paper left (which, um, I haven't started writing... I have all the research done, though!) and one short paper, so I'm getting there. Had you seen the list I originally started with, you'd be SUPER impressed...

The super-quicky update, my eating always suffers when I'm in super-busy mode because I forget to eat, so I've really been trying to focus on eating, and I've still been trying to sneak in my 30 minutes a day of working out. Most days I'm successful, so that's good.

Must go, but we'll play catch up this weekend!

Pre-Thanksgiving quickie

2009-11-26T00:06:00.000-08:00

Wednesdays are scheduled as one of my rest days, but I've decided rest days just mean I do something active but not necessarily gym-y. So, this morning my boyfriend and I attempted to go on a bike ride. We made it pretty far and then, just before we got to our turn around point... he got a flat tire. We didn't have our portable pump and we were in the middle of nowhere so it's not like we could just run to the gas station real quick... so our bike ride turned into one hell of a walk back. Pushing a bike. Through the hills. Against the wind. We were bummed we didn't get to ride our bikes, but it was still a good little jaunt. Plus it was our first time on the trail, and we discovered that we totally love it, so we'll definitely be going back. On the down side, after passing some other riders I really feel like it's necessary for me to invest in spandex.

Things are going great. I've been getting to sleep earlier, which is amazing for me, and sticking to my exercise really well. Next step is to get my food back in check, but I'd like to take this week to get my exercise in check first. I do OK on the food front right now, it just needs to be tweaked and refined. Part of my "wait a few days" plan is because I'm not really eating at home much until Sunday, so I'd rather start fresh that day instead of freaking out all week because I can't eat my planned meals. I've already planned to take healthy snacks and stuff to all of my visits, though, so it's not like I'll be at a total loss the next few days.

I'll be exercising when I wake up tomorrow so that I can get it out of the way, so the only day I'm really worried about is Friday. It's supposed to be a cardio day and I've been loving my DVDs lately, but I'm not sure exactly when I'll be able to fit one in. However, the good thing about my parents' place is that there are lots of hills, so if all else fails I should be able to take the dogs for a super long walk or something.

Anyhoo, midnight is now my bed time and I just realized it's about that time, so I better be off.

Everyone, I wish you all the happiest of Thanksgivings, and I hope to see you all successful on the other side!

Shaky shaky, wibble wobble

2009-11-25T01:16:00.000-08:00

Hi, all.

I have to say first, that this post won't be nearly as long as I had planned. I've got this new thing where I'm trying to get myself on a better schedule, which means going to bed earlier (I'm naturally a night-owl, and a recovering insomniac, so I'll stay up till the sun comes out and not even realize). My current goal has been to be asleep or close to it by midnight, and obviously it's already after that. I'm not upset about it, though, because my boyfriend and I decided to go to the movies, something we don't do often, and unfortunately it was a last-minute decision so we didn't get out of the theater till about 11:30. I would have gone straight to bed, but I promised I'd do a post today, and I don't want to neglect my blog anymore than it has been lately.

So, let's just do the basics. Most important, today was a very successful day. Inspired by a terrible old weight-loss log I found this weekend (which had a total of three days in it... but reading those three days, it became extremely obvious why I failed. I'll have to share those specifics later. Also, it made me think about the fact that whenever I happen to find these things, I see that I never got further than a few days before I gave up), I decided to start a new log, one that I will keep for more than three days. More than a week, even. I'm aiming for a whole month. Big whoop for some of you, I know, but for some reason I always want to keep a log and then... just don't. So to consistently log a month's worth of progress will be a big deal for me.

Anyway, I wanted to start it off right, so I logged my weight for today, all my measurements, my body fat (tried out some body fat calipers for the first time. Pretty positive my measurement was waaaay off. I'm fairly confident in saying my body fat percentage is somewhere in the 40-45 range, and this was high 30s. But, as long as I do it wrong consistently, I'm not worried about it for now. The goal is to get it down, not to get it to a certain number). I also logged my work outs for the day (yep, that's plural--I was highly motivated today). Oh, and I took some "before" pictures. I'm not at my highest weight right now, but I'm close enough, and I want to be able to have something to compare later on. No, you don't get to see them yet. Sorry, just not that comfortable with it. Tomorrow I'll need to take the time to print them out and get them in the book so I have a reference.

I worked with weights today and, holy moly. I did it right before we went to the movie (today was super busy, so it was the first moment I had time) and when I was trying to change my clothes so we could leave, I was crazy shaky from the exertion, which I wasn't expecting. I might be a sicko, but I have to say I kind of loved it. It wasn't a bad shaking, just my body's way of saying "Thank you" for finally working out and doing something good for it. Even though the shaking made changing my clothes a bit slower, it felt really, really good knowing why I was shaky.

Anyhoo, I'm about ready to fall asleep at my computer, which is making the writing of an interesting post a very difficult task, so how's about I go to bed and do a better update tomorrow? I think that'll be better for both of us.

Good night, lovely people, we'll meet again soon.

Anything can happen

2009-11-23T13:43:00.000-08:00

Listen to the MUSTN'TS, child,
Listen to the DON'TS
Listen to the SHOULDN'TS
The IMPOSSIBLES, the WON'TS
Listen to the NEVER HAVES
Then listen close to me--
Anything can happen, child,
ANYTHING can be.
-Shel Silverstein, "Listen to the Mustn'ts"

Love this. That is all.

Family ties

2009-11-22T22:57:00.000-08:00

I love my parents. Seriously, Best Parents Ever. So I've been spending a lot of time with my mom these last few days while our boys were off doing some other stuff. They were supposed to be back here on Friday or Saturday, but a wrench was thrown into the Other Stuff so we'll be making it home tomorrow instead. Which is fine, because I've been able to spend lots of quality time with my momma, who I love and adore.

One of the things we got to talk about were some of the health problems she's had over the years. It wasn't geared as a "learn from my mistakes" talk at all, it was just us talking about things that happened when I was younger, since I didn't know or didn't understand all the details back then. At the end of the day, it really cemented my resolve to get healthy even more.

There was one thing she said that made me realize I really need to get my act together. Her first stroke was when she was 38 years old, which I knew but didn't absorb. I'll be 29 in a little under a month, which means she was only about 9 or 10 years older than I am now.

She's recovered from her strokes and a later work-incurred brain injury extremely well (an outsider wouldn't know she'd ever had anything like that happen), which I am thankful and grateful for. I really don't know how I would continue without her. But, having said that, there's been some scary times. The scariest came from the injury, but the injury was worse because she's diabetic, which causes your brain to shrink a bit, which means when she was hit in the head her brain sloshed around which is why there was so much damage. So while the injury had nothing to do with her health, it might not have been so bad had she not been a diabetic. She was actually told she'd never teach again at one point, but she's a warrior and in less than two years she was back in the classroom.

All of this has made me think about my own poor health. Maybe I don't have some of those issues now, but I'm well on my way to it.

So, I've decided to take her warrior spirit and apply that to my weight loss, and I know she'll be on the sidelines as my motivation and my biggest cheerleader. I'll be doing measurements Tuesday morning (because, um, I don't have my tape or scale till tomorrow night, and I don't want to do it at night after traveling and whatnot), and starting that day I'm going to challenge myself, 30 days at a time. And, to be honest, I'm hoping one of the biggest things to come out of this will be me, in return, motivating my mom to improve her health, too, so I don't have to worry about her having another stroke. She's not super unhealthy, but could stand to lose some poundage.

Having said that, tomorrow is a busy day for me (finishing projects and traveling) so I might have another day off from the blog. But I'll actually be working on my 30-day goals, so when Tuesday comes I'll post an idea of my plan for the next month. This will be a work in progress so I'm sure it will change as it goes, but that's the plan for now.

I think my mom, unintentionally, has always been my biggest motivator. I'm happy that she can hold that title in this case, too. And, to be honest, I really just wanted to get this post out there for me, as something to look back on if my motivation is flailing in the future, and also as a way to remind myself that I am truly blessed to have amazing parents (this post was mom-based, but take my word for it, dad rocks, too).

In sadder news (I'm being somewhat melodramatic): I had a few boxes that I had left in my parents' shed a while ago. I went through them a few weeks ago to get rid of the extraneous crap, and in one box I had a bunch of my old prom dresses and stuff (I went to prom all four years, so there were those four dresses, plus one I wore to some other event). They're super cute dresses (if I do say so myself - I was way more comfortable wearing cute clothes back then) so I was going to keep one as a motivation dress (y'know, fitting into my high school prom dress and all that) and give the rest to a program out here that collects prom dresses for high school seniors who can't afford one of their own. My dad was bringing all my stuff to this house a week or two ago, and one of the boxes blew off the truck without him knowing till later on. I was just going through the boxes and realized that the box that was lost was the one with all my old dresses in it.

Bummer. No more motivation dress, and no more donation dresses. =(

Yay, internets!

2009-11-20T23:51:00.000-08:00

Hi there happy people! I've got some access for the moment... However, I really want to get to bed at a decent (for me) hour, so this may be short.

First off, related to the Bloggerhood, I am totally lame and forgot to bring my camera with me, so my promised photo won't be happening for a few more days.

I wish I had some cool success to tell you, but not yet. I was going to do a weigh-in today, but I haven't been home literally all day so that will have to wait. Having said that, in the spirit of honesty, I went to the doctor recently, and even though their scale is retarded and always too high, I can reasonably guesstimate I gained back a few pounds. I'm not worried about it, though, because I'm getting back to my happy weight loss place. Unfortunately it's taking longer than I'd like it to, but as long as I get there I'm happy.

My motivation to exercise is coming back, which is pretty awesome. I'm thinking of doing a three-week-long last chance, bust-the-gut-for-the-birthday, workout. I'm going to start keeping better tabs on what I did in this here blog because, frankly, I'm disgusting myself with how often I've said lately, "I'm going to go exercise!" or something related, and then I let something else get in my way. So, yep, I'll be posting some stuff here. The level of detail will depend on my mood, but you'll see something.

Oh, and related to the exercise. Two things: Cardio and weights.

First off, cardio. I'm angry at exercises which make my calves cry inordinary amounts of pain (treadmill and hilly hikes) so I'm currently trying to do other forms of cardio (anything... videos, kickboxing, whatever) to give me a good burn, but not make me want to cry like a little girl. My thought here is that if I can improve my conditioning through another form of exercise, I'll be able to improve my stamina and perhaps those two exercises won't be so painful, so I won't be as inclined to get super angry and give up.

The muscle pain brings us to part two, weights (and stretching, actually). I'm SO excited to report that I've earned the right to get some of my weights out of storage. Explanation: I have a fairly small workout room now, which doubles as the guest bedroom, so I can't fill it with all my equipment. Therefore, a lot of my stuff, including my workout bench, is in storage because it just doesn't fit. My dumbbells and my bench bar use the same weights, so this also means I haven't been able to use my dumbbells. Instead, I've been using the couple sets of lighter dumbbells that I have, telling myself that when I finally used them regularly for a brief period and didn't feel like giving up, I'd go ahead and get some of the weights from storage so I'd have heavier dumbbells for a more challenging workout ("some" means everything below 25 pounds because, let's be honest, I won't be doing bicep curls with 50-pound weights any time soon [gotta use two weights per dumbbell)... but when (IF) that day comes, I'll have earned the right to bring the heavier weights back from purgatory anyway).

Anyhoo, having said that, I have big plans as soon as I get them back, which I'm hoping will really kick off my inches lost during my last three-week run before the birthday. And, back to my original thought, I'm hoping if I start working the calves again - both with muscle-building exercises and stretching - and the surrounding muscles, this will also contribute to them not hurting as bad when I return to the treadmill. I figure it can't hurt, so what the hay.

Unfortunately, I probably won't get to retreive my dumbbells until Monday or Tuesday, but ah well. My final three weeks officially starts Tuesday, so as long as I can start that day I'll be happy!

OK, I'm super tired so I gotta go, but I hope everyone is doing well! If I'm able to login tomorrow I'll probably spend some time catching up on everyone's blogs, so you may or may not see a post from me. Love you, bye!

Water

2009-11-19T14:07:00.000-08:00

I have a few goals that I'm reaching for, one of which is drink 64 ounces of water minimum each day. I'd actually like to get closer to 100, but always start slow, right?

And can I say... holy crap, that's a tough goal! Part of this is because I'm kind of a snob... if my water is room temperature I can not, will not drink it. I don't know why this is, I try, but I am just incapable of drinking water that's not ice cold. I've always had this problem, but didn't really define it until recently, so I spent about 27 years drinking hardly any water. I would guess 20 ounces a week, average? (More in the summer, but not much) By define it, I mean I knew sometimes I enjoyed water and sometimes I didn't, but I didn't drink it often enough to realize the pattern (that pattern being, if it was iced, I was happy, if it was not, I was not).

Anyhoo, so I'm trying really hard to get that water in, but it's probably one of the more difficult goals, surprisingly (I didn't think it would be).

FYI, I'm not sure how my internet access is going to be the next couple of days, so if I'm gone don't take it as a bad sign. :)

Breakfast and desert

2009-11-18T18:13:00.001-08:00

Quick complaining moment, just to get it out of the way: You know what sucks about living with a 91-year-old woman? The constant lectures about how to live my life better, whether the suggestions make sense or not. I know she thinks she’s helping, passing down her legacy and all that, so I don’t get angry to her face, but I get so sick of hearing it! Without fail, it seems like when I’m having a decent day, all the sudden it gets all mucked up because suddenly I have to get a lecture about how much I suck (OK, that’s not really what the lectures are about, but that’s what they start feeling like). That just happened, in case you didn’t guess. End complaint.

So, to get all of the unrelated blather out of the way, how cute is this kid? He’s 4 years old if I remember right (maybe 3, almost 4), and such a hard core little dude. This is from our recent trip to the desert that I mentioned a couple posts back. (It was a family friendly weekend, so lots of kids.) Side note: I love babysitting this little guy, he’s so funny! He has his own miniature off-road motorcycle (complete with training wheels! I swear I’ve never seen such a cute off-road vehicle), and he was also riding that red quad in the background, which belongs to another friend’s three year old, like it was nobody’s business. Also, he has the highest pitched voice of any little boy I know, and it cracks me up every time. He was kind of pouty in this picture because his sister was taking a ride on the quad and he didn’t want to be done yet.

Anyway, onto other subjects!

I would like to know if anyone has the same issues as I do, today’s issue being: food. Okay, lets expand on that. I know that when I eat good food, I feel good. When I eat bad food, I feel bad. It’s pretty simple, really. But sometimes, I still feel the desire to order something not so good, knowing I’m not going to feel satisfied after I eat it, it’s probably not going to taste that good going down, and chances are my stomach is going to ache a bit when it’s all over. But still, I order it and I eat it.

This isn’t something that happened today, for the record. I’ve been doing well lately. It’s just something I had thought about a few days ago. My boyfriend and I were laughing at ourselves because we had made this delicious dinner, which was also pretty healthy, and we were both full and satisfied. We went to rent a movie and he mentioned going through the drive through that’s right there, at which time I started laughing because I had been having the same thought. It had been only ten minutes before that we had finished eating, and were still really full. I guess it was just out of habit?

This is my favorite breakfast (unfinished): It’s the inside of a breakfast burrito. I use a 6-inch, whole grain tortilla; then cook up some eggs made with special ingredients (fyi, I use a couple egg whites plus one whole egg. I can’t stand the taste of just egg whites, so I figure it’s a good compromise); throw in a slice of turkey bacon, ripped into pieces; a smidgen of low-fat, natural cheese of your choice; add tomatoes, homemade salsa, lettuce, etc.; wrap and enjoy! Normally I use baby spinach, but unfortunately when I went to make breakfast this morning my spinach was a bit too old for it’s own good. So, instead, normal lettuce. Not as good, but good enough.

Here’s the wrapped up version, served with blackberries. Random aside, I love my tiny plates because they make my meal look huge! You can’t really tell in this photo, though, so you’ll have to take my word for it. Another random aside, I love blackberries. When I was little, I looked forward to hanging out with relatives on the Oregon coast and picking blackberries. There’s nothing tastier than a plump, juicy blackberry, picked fresh off the vine. Seriously, the store-bought version has nothing on those memories. They’re a little too sour, relatively speaking. But, they’re associated with super-tasty memories, so I deal.

Anyhoo, since my class was cancelled tonight I’m going to take that time to work on some of my dreaded projects due at the end of this month and try to not get annoyed with people (newspaper stuff – I don’t know why I agreed to this, it’s way too much stress).

Have a lovely evening!

Quadtastic

2009-11-17T12:56:00.000-08:00

My muscles and joints are extremely tight lately. ("lately" being the last two years) To get back to my formerly semi-flexible self, I'm going to do 15 minutes stretching every morning, on top of everything else. I just started it this morning.

You know that traditional quad stretch? The one where you stand straight, then bend one leg behind you, grab your ankle, and pull slightly? At my fattest, I couldn't do that without the assistance of a yoga strap.*

Today? Today I kicked that stretch's ass.

*For anyone who doesn't have the flexibility to do this, by the way, I highly recommend using a yoga strap. Grab one end in each hand, drape it behind you, place the top of your foot securely in the loop, then slowly pull up on the ends till you feel the stretch. If you have balance issues, place both ends of the strap in the same hand as the leg you're stretching and use the other hand to balance against a wall or chair or whatever. It works beautifully!

HoliDaze

2009-11-16T11:59:00.000-08:00

Can I tell you something? I don't mean to sound so out of the loop, but....

When you guys talk about the "dreaded holidays" and fears of getting so fat and all that... what exactly is the problem? I don't completely get it. I've found myself saying it sometimes, "Oh no! Holiday season!" but I say it for a different reason (explained momentarily).

Maybe my family is just weird? Do we not have normal traditions? We generally have a big meal for Thanksgiving, so I guess I can see that... but one big meal, even if the leftovers lasted the whole long weekend, and you didn't workout at all Thanksgiving day because you were doing the family thing in the morning and the food coma thing at night, isn't going to make you gain all the weight back. So why is there so much fear for the holidays? I think I'm going to keep an eye on my habits this year to see if there's something going on that I'm missing, because I really do feel dazed and confused when I hear the frightened rants, "The holidays are coming! The holidays are coming!"

(ETA: I think I've figured out part of it, at least. Much of my confusion was in the fact that I've been seeing a lot of "holiday plans for not gaining weight." I don't have a plan, nor do I feel obligated to come up with one, which is why I was wondering what I was missing. My "holiday plan" is to eat normal in the morning, which means I'll only be so hungry for the afternoon splurge-a-thon (we do it more as a lunch than a dinner, which I think also helps because I don’t go to bed on a full stomache). Plus, I help cook, and my parents are all for me making a healthy version of our choices. I know some people plan to not eat much before The Big Meal so that they have more calories to spend, but if I do that then I'll eat three times as much because I'll be starving. So, instead, I try to treat it like any other day. Also, I don’t have too many things around to tempt me. I don’t buy much in the way of treats, and if I do they are hidden in my boyfriend’s nightstand where, for some reason, I am inclined not to go after them. And, as mentioned in my comment, we always eat at someone else’s house and don’t bring home leftovers. Problem solved! – for me, at least.)

You know what I fear for the holidays? January Gym Syndrome. I lost my first 20 pounds about this time last year, if memory serves me right (funny enough, I can't really remember now). I do know, though, that I had been going to the gym this time last year, so of course I attempted to continue that habit into January, but it was always so ridiculously busy that I got annoyed and found other things to do. As huge as the gym was, I still had to fight for machines, and I'm not a fighter. Luckily at the time I had a really cool bike path near my house, and I had a workout room with some basic equipment, so this wasn't the equivalent of giving up.

I also fear Shopping Season. I'm not really into shopping anyway, but throw an extra million people into the mix and you're guaranteed to find me hiding out for a month. I remember having to cover Black Friday for work once and, even though I was getting paid to be there, it was miserable (reminder: I'm a journalist by trade, so when I say "covered it for work" I mean I went out and reported on it).

My dad came into town to pick up my boyfriend (the bf is helping the papa with a project this week) so we were talking about Thanksgiving plans this morning before they left, which is why I was thinking about this.

Speaking of the holidays, New Year's used to be one of my favorite holidays. I guess it still kind of is. I love the idea of starting fresh. However, I don't really make resolutions anymore. The resolutions always made me feel worse about myself, because I'd make them, then never do anything (or much) about them, then be mad at myself for not accomplishing them. I recognized the negative loop, so, instead of putting more effort into them, I just decided to stop making resolutions altogether. Plus they were always very vague, so that's probably part of the problem. Maybe I'll come up with something specific and get back into the swing of making resolutions this year.

For now: I resolve to lose my extra chin before New Year's (just over six weeks). How's that for specific? =P

Oh, since the semi-hubster is out with my dad this week, I found that 24 Hour Fitness offers a week-long free trial, so I thought I'd go cash that in today and try it out. I've never been to a 24 Hour Fitness, but I figure what the heck. If I like it, their rates are reasonable, so why not? And if it's not for me, it's not like I signed a year-long contract or anything, so all is well.

Anyhoo, I need to go so my computer can do its update thing (it's been yelling at me since right after I started this post), but I'll be back later!

She's baaaaack....! With an extra long post to make up for the absence.

2009-11-15T12:54:00.000-08:00

Muchos apologies for my extended absence. Whoa.

First, explanations: I went on a surprise out of town trip to the middle of nowhere for some off-road adventures (rock crawling, quads, motorcycles, camping, etc.), which I haven't done in years. That used to be my life as a kid and then I guess I grew up. Well, no, that's not true. But somehow it became less and less a part of me till now, where I ocassionally still camp, but there are no fun toys involved. With such great memories as a kid, though, I've really missed it, and I got invited to an annual event that takes place about two hours from my home, so how could I say no? The event actually revolves around rock crawling, which I had honestly never done prior to last Saturday, but everything else went along with it.

OK, honestly, that's not why I've been gone more than a week now. Allow me to roll out the full list of excuses: Beginning 20 minutes after I returned from my glorious break, I was thrown back into the real world via the paper I edit. I joined the paper knowing I would be a teacher of sorts (I won't explain everything, but let's just say I have a ton of experience compared to the role I agreed to take on), and I'm OK with that idea, but I'm not OK with doing it if my "students" (aka, the other editors) are not willing to learn. Needless to say, that's where I am. So I spent a few days of editing and trying to explain to people that I'm not here to wipe their ass, but instead to teach them how to wipe their own ass (basically), and I'm crossing my fingers that the next issue will not bring me as many headaches because I'm not just into it.

After that helacious ordeal, I really just wanted a break from the computer.

Which brings us to today! I hope you can forgive me for deserting you. Part of this is the November blahs I mentioned a couple weeks ago (a million things to do, no time to do it in), part of this is my motivation going out the window, all of this is connected (we'll go into detail... I feel a long post coming on). Things we'll talk about: The Pants, The Scale, The Motivation, The Working Out, The Support. Not necessarily in that order.

Let me start by providing a pants update, and expanding from there! (First: SORRY Jenn! I've been a bad pantser!! I'll make up for it, promise!)

Whoo, lot's of exclamation marks. OK, anyway...

THE PANTS. For those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about, hop on over here and get learned. (the short version: awesome girl, awesome idea, resulted in me attempting to shrink into some awesome pants)

Needless to say, after spending time in the desert (where food is limited, and alcohol is abundant... and this girl who doesn't normally drink may have imbibed a few), and then dealing with stress... I have been doing terrible since my last update. I've only lost another 1/4" in my middle, which is pretty far off plan (it's been almost two weeks, and I wanted to lose just over an inch a week). To be honest, I'm pretty shocked to see that much progress and can't help but wonder if I measured wrong, THAT's how terrible I've been doing. But, to date: Need to lose 12" in my waist by Dec. 15 (for the pants to fit comfortably, but I'll say it again, I'm happy with a muffin top), and I've lost about 2". Ouch. That hurts to write.

I have a question, for anyone who is "in the know" on jean measurements. When the jeans say, "Waist, 33.5 inches," where on the body is that waist? I know it's not the natural waist, since that's way above where the pants fall. I had been measuring the belly button because that made sense to me. But I just tried the pants on again and they fall around the area of "The Dreaded Pooch" so... am I supposed to be measuring my pooch? This is a serious question, one for which I haven't a clue, so any help is appreciated!

I was going to do a photo for you today, since today marks my midway anniversary, but I haven't made it out to do so yet. However, I have a mini-trip I think I'm going to be taking in the next few days (assuming construction hasn't cleared the hiking trail I have in mind), in which case I'll be doing some semi-nekkedness in the wildnerness for the sake of Bloggerhood photos (of course, I'll have pants on in the photos... the semi-nekkedness comes during the changing process, silly reader). Awesome. Either way, you'll be getting something in the way of photos during the next week, promise! Halfway means we're in the home stretch, which means I need to drag my ass back on the wagon, which means I'll be doing lots more updates than I have been so as to hold my self accountable. If you randomly feel like coming to my blog and yelling some motivational threats, I won't be offended.

SO, having said that, lets talk scales. My last post I asked for some feedback on the scale, whether it's a necessary evil (on the days it feels like "an evil"), whether there are other ways to stay motivated, etc., and I got a lot of feedback. So, first off, thank you for all of that! I wasn't expecting so much, but I really, truly appreciate it. Taking into account all of that and my own personal nuances, I think that, for me, I have to have the scale at least a little. I admittedly don't have the discipline to stay away for too long and just know that I'm doing OK. I need some sort of reinforcement. I do like the idea of letting the clothes do the talking, though. So, I figure a combo of that (which, actually, was also mentioned). I'm thinking every two weeks. I'm sure this will change as I do: When I *know* I'm doing well, I love to weigh myself and revel in my accomplishments. When I know I'm not doing well, obviously I hate the scale. But, that's what I'm going to use to track my progress here, at least, starting this upcoming Friday (um. I'm pretty sure I undid some of my progress while I've been gone. It's embarassing enough to admit it. It's more embarassing to have to show you - or myself - how much. SO, I'm going to give myself till Friday to undo as much as possible). I figure weighing myself every two weeks is still enough to keep myself accountable, but not enough that I'm going to drive myself crazy if I "only" see a pound drop. We'll see how this works out!

Next up, I want to talk about support. I don't have any. Wait, let me rephrase that. I don't have any living in the same city as I do. The closest thing I have is my boyfriend, and he is supportive in the "If that's what makes you happy, then I will be happy for you" sense. However, two things here: 1) He's naturally active, but doesn't actively workout, and definitely doesn't eat well, yet still stays thin, so it's hard for him to motivate me to exercise and eat right when he doesn't really know what that means. 2) This isn't a bad thing, but he loves me as I am, so the only reason he wants me to lose weight is because I want to lose weight (again, his personal health-o-meter is totally out of whack). That, also, makes it hard for him to motivate me.

His support comes because he loves me, so I'm not bitter at him for not being more of a hardass motivator, but I do have my days where I'm bitter that I don't have someone who gives a damn if I lose weight or not. That's the main reason I miss my trainer... I knew I'd get yelled at if I ate the wrong thing, or if I didn't exercise like I was supposed to. I wish I could find a way to afford her still.

I want support in the form of: Someone to exercise with, and someone to tell me I'm a dumbass when I'm thinking about going through the drive thru. I'm curious how many people are losing weight without a partner or friend or SOMEONE to encourage them to eat right and exercise? Further, how do you do it? I think this has been the HARDEST thing for me. On the days that I just don't want to exercise, I don't have someone to call up and say, "hey, I'm draggin' ass, can we make an exercise date?" Or, if I go to a restaurant, for example, and order something unhealthy, no one is there to say, "Are you sure that's what you want to order?" And as any fat kid (or formerly fat kid) knows, those days can easily spiral into each other if you don't get them into check right away.

Having said that, motivation. My motivation has spiralled into oblivion lately. It started with a bad day, and turned into a bad two weeks. I've been doing some soul searching and I'm digging myself out of that hole, but wow. I got in pretty deep. I don't know how people keep themselves constantly motivated, but that is an art I need to learn. I'm sure it has something to do with discipline, and man I suck at discipline. If I could change one thing in my life right now, I would be more disciplined. I wouldn't be thinner, I wouldn't be smarter, I wouldn't be more eloquent, I wouldn't even be more motivated. I would be more disciplined, because with discipline I could make these things happen, plus more.

With discipline, I would also exercise more. I have been the ultimate slacker in the exercise department. I keep thinking about it - when I'm winded for no good reason, for example. When my joints hurt, that's another one. When I can't keep up with people, that's a good one.

Let me tell you my exercise history, briefly. Up until the time I got my driver's license, I was a biking, skating rock star. I don't know how I wasn't thin (oh, that's right, my candy craze). Seriously, I probably rode my bike an easy five miles or more most days of the week. And during my skating craze, who KNOWS how many miles I skated. It was hours a day, also most days of the week (it was the bike craze, then the skating craze, then the "I have my license and am now lazy" craze). I also played roller hockey, so there was the practices for that. I was crazy active.

I moved to Oregon at the beginning of my junior year, and went through a slight depression, and a "breakfast" period. I'm normally not a breakfast eater, but lived with my aunt so I could start school while my parents moved, and she's into serving breakfast. I think less because of the depression and more because of the breakfast (and other regular meals), I started naturally losing weight. It was delightful. Then a couple months later (long story but the depression had everything to do with where I was living, so my parents moved us again) when I was back at "home" I stopped eating breakfast again (and started sleeping in again), and had no sense of exercise or sports or the sort. I graduated high school at probably 185-ish pounds (that's a complete guess because I never thought about weighing myself).

I've mentioned the college years before: climbing four flights of stairs regularly kept me fairly fit my freshman year, and exercising three hours a day/six days per week kept me fairly fit my sophomore year. I say "fairly" because in both cases my eating was terrible, so it's not like I was thin, and I also couldn't be considered "athletic." Basically, more exercise but crappier eating kept me at about where I was when I graduated high school.

Fast forward, and I'm at 215. I move to California, start a new life, begin cooking for myself while also being on my feet all the time for work, and start, again, naturally losing weight. Go through a quarter-life crisis, move to Nevada, get back up to 215/220. Hurt my foot, takes seven months to heal, and coincidentally at the same time find out I might have cancer, so suddenly I'm up to the 240s.

Since then, I've been struggling. I had a period where I was seeing a fantastic trainer but I wasn't giving her my all (I was distracted by my sudden and unexpected unemployed status, after major layoffs occurred within my company). Still, got down to a low of 217. Oh, and for the record, I'm cancer-free. It never actually developed into cancer, though my doctor still keeps an eye. Coincidentally I have a checkup Tuesday to do some tests, just to make sure all is still well, but it's been a couple years so it's not as disconcerting as it once was.

So, anyhoo, from that blotchy history I'm sure you can tell I've never developed a healthy love affair with exercise. It's not that I don't like exercise, because I do. I love the way I feel after a good sweat session, and when my muscles are sore the next day, I really love the sensation. It comes back to the discipline thing: I really need to get myself more disciplined and force myself to exercise.

I haven't been going to a gym since my membership ran out (in June? I think? Sometime over the summer), citing it is an unneccessary expense (this was before I got serious about losing weight again). I have lots of equipment at home (plus some in storage because I don't have room for it here), but working out at home poses this problem: it gives the feeling that you can do it "anytime" so, for an undisciplined person as myself, it's easy to say, "I'll do this first, and exercise afterwards." Then, before you know it, you're waking up to a new day having not exercised at all the day before.

It also poses another problem: I haven't figured out how to do some of my favorite exercises, because they were things I did on machines that I don't have at home. Mostly, though, this is an excuse that links back to the first one. After all, I'm sure I could figure out SOMETHING if I tried hard enough.

I'll be honest, I'm not sure what to do here. My last gym I actually quit going to a little before my membership was up because I got tired of the drive. It was about 25 minutes away from my house (if traffic was good), which basically meant almost an hour on driving, which meant I had to set aside over two hours just to get an hour workout in (an hour to drive, an hour to workout, plus time for showering and what-have-you). I've found another gym that's a consistent 15-20 minutes from my house, and also near my brother, my school, and my boyfriend's shop, which are the three places I'm normally at if I'm not home. BUT. But, will I have the discipline to get myself out there, if I can't even do it at home? Serious quagmire. I don't know what to do. They have a free 7-day pass to try out the gym before you join, so I was thinking of getting that baby, going to the gym for the next week to jump start my re-entrance into the weight loss realm, and see how that goes. That way I can find out if it's an environment I like (I've never been to this gym) and find out, also, how the drive affects my schedule.

It's so hard to pay the fees, though, when you have the equipment at home. I need to find a way to make them work together, I guess.

Blarghy. I guess you can see how crazy my thought process is right now. It's pretty much useless. I'm attempting to form a plan, but it's only partially there, so the details are fuzzy and trying to explain it is ... not easy. To which I should probably say, "Shut up and do it." But who would I be if I didn't overthink everything? =D

Anyhoo, this is long enough. I need to go exercise. Sundays used to be my off day, but I don't think that counts when you've had a couple weeks off and you've finally found a bit of motivation.

Happy weight loss, all! I'll be back soon!

Before I exercise...

2009-11-05T23:05:00.000-08:00

I was thinking today that I'd like to not weigh myself for a little while. As much as the logical side of my brain says it's OK to not lose weight, it likely means you're gaining muscle if you're still doing everything right.... I just get SO frustrated when that stupid thing doesn't go down. I get psychotic thoughts running through my head, involving something along the lines of scales... windows... broken glass... it's a little fuzzy, but I know it's not good.

So I thought instead I'd just weigh myself every couple weeks to make sure things are heading in the right direction, but instead focus more on my measurements. That matters more anyway, right? (In my head, at least.)

I was just curious about some feedback on this. Is a scale the end-all, be-all of making sure you stay true to losing weight? If I lose the scale briefly, am I automatically giving myself an excuse to cheat? Or, is seeing the drop in inches enough? Is seeing that half an inch is gone from my hips, for example, enough for me to know that I'm doing things right, regardless of the number?

I know this is different for everyone so you don't have to tell me it depends on me or anything. I know that. I'm just curious what you think. Is this something you'd consider for yourself? Do you think it would help alleviate my hate for the scale lately? Or, again, do you think it's giving myself an excuse to cheat?

I'd love your feedback. I'm going to try it for the next couple weeks and see how I feel about things, then I'll report back and we can compare notes. So, give me a starting point to compare to: Do you think the plan will succeed or fail? Do you think, when I finally jump on the scale, that I'll lose more or less weight, on average (right now I'm considering my average a pound a week)? Etc., etc. Thoughts?

I'm going to go exercise while I'm still motivated, but let's chat.

Motivation comes in many shapes and sizes

2009-11-04T11:58:00.001-08:00

Since my blog has freaked out and I haven't had the time or patience to fix it, let me repeat my title: Motivation comes in many shapes and sizes.

I just got my camera back less than an hour ago (ohmygodimsoexcitediwanttopeemypants!), and of course, though I had nothing in particular to take pictures of, I had to pop my card in there and take a photo of a cat or something. It just so happens there were other pictures on that card, pictures that I had completely forgotten about.

Pictures that make me think, Wow, can that be right? But I know it is... Every picture I look at of my boyfriend and me confirms that I am, like, twice his size.

He is one of those disgustingly naturally fit people. He doesn't "formally" exercise, but he's always on the go, doing something. So while he's not in as good of shape as he was back when he was doing, oh, 11 sports at one time (I don't even know if my school offered 11 sports, but his mom verified for me that's what he did), he's still very fit.

Then there's me. Definitely not fit. Thankfully we click really well in the personality department, because otherwise, visually, it's hard for me to see sometimes how we fit together. Actually, let me take that back. I don't want to sound all mopey and undeserving or anything, because that's not how I feel. We're great together and I know that. It's just when we take photos together that makes me feel this way, and frankly the only reason he cares that I'm heavy is because I care so much.

Here's the photo in question (I blacked out his head and identifying information because, while I'm OK with putting my picture on the internets, I'm not sure how he feels about his picture being out there):

I was going to talk about how this is a bad photo of me all around, but dammit, I think that about almost all of my photos these days. It's not that I'm taking bad photos... it's that I got fatter than I'm comfortable with!! If you took that away, the photo really isn't all that bad.

I'm losing weight for me, but when I see this I can't help but think I really owe it to him to get in shape as well. I wasn't quite this large when we started dating (I was about 20 pounds lighter, I think, and a lot fitter). Is thinking that so bad, though? I guess I don't feel like it is, because when I say him, I still mean me. I owe it to myself to be the thinner, happier person I was when he and I first met, is really all I'm saying, because then he'll quit hearing me complain. And oh joy if I was the even thinner, even happier person I was five years before that.

Generally my motivation to lose weight comes in the form of, say, tests my doctor does that indicate I'm not as healthy as I should be for my age. Or, the fact that things I used to be able to do with ease are now more difficult. Or, that my confidence has taken a shot to the groin, and is currently doubled over in pain. But sometimes? Sometimes I think some visual motivation is an OK thing, too. So if me being twice as large as my boyfriend gets me to work out, then huzzah, because I did something good for me.

I think I'm going to print this picture out and put it on my treadmill for a constant motivation.

Well, I had more things I wanted to talk about today, BUT I just got a phone call and need to rush off so they'll have to come later. Have a wonderful day, lovelies!

All about the random tidbits lately

2009-11-03T15:46:00.000-08:00

Oh, what to say, what to say...

I feel like I'm on overload. Still, I guess, since I think I've mentioned that before.

Let's start with a great thing: My camera is fixed. It's not here yet, but it's fixed and I will see it soon enough, and then I'll be able to start uploading some photos to my happy little bloghome. :)

A not-so-great thing, did you know that pepper in the eyeball hurts? Because I did not. Don't get me wrong, it makes sense, I just, um, never tried it before. So, the good news that goes along with that, I suppose, is that I'm going to force myself to get my eating habits back to normal. Things have been so crazy that my eating (and exercise, for that matter) has been spotty, at best. This morning I was making my favorite breakfast, and apparently I had some pepper on my finger or something, because I went to scratch my eyeball and, whoo boy!, did that hurt. Lesson learned.

Oh, I completely forgot about weigh-in this week. I didn't actually even realize I had missed it until yesterday, when I first intended to finally update this blog. That's probably OK because, with my eating and activity having gone down hill, I have a feeling I wouldn't have been impressed with what I saw anyway.

Do you ever have moments when you feel depressed? Not that you ARE depressed, just that you FEEL depressed. That's me today. I slept in way longer than I like to, first off, and then because of Daylight Savings Time it's already getting dark. What?! Dark by 4:30?? Total crap. I thought it must have been stormy or something because it was rather dim, and then I realized the sun was just behind the mountains already. Yuck. Also, I think I'm rather dehydrated since, again, spotty nutrition, which also doesn't help my mood. I just went and got some water, though, so hopefully we can remedy that situation, at least.

Oh, Halloween! Halloween was a blast. Not too much candy (a little, though), no alcohol, lots of walking, a costume that fits even though it made me look larger than I am (not worried about it, though, because I still had fun -- and they'll make for great "before" photos later down the road =P), and a theme that was a total hit. I was Dorothy, my boyfriend was the scarecrow, my little girl dog was the tin man, and my little boy dog was the cowardly lion. We started the night trick or treating with our friend and their kid and a bunch of other people, and it was perfect because she was a witch, so everyone just assumed it was on purpose. The only down side is that my boyfriend had a little too much fun, so we came home early, but I can't say I was upset. I was pretty tired so it was a good excuse. So, actually, I guess that's not so much a downside as the topping on the cake.

Alrighty, well, I've got a newspaper to edit so I need to be off. But I hope you'll all forgive me for my transgressions as of late. I'm going to make a serious effort to get back on track (with, um, everything, not just health and fitness and blogging) despite all the crapola I've got hanging over my head. It's going to be a rough month, but I hope I'll see you around!

Apologies for my lack of updates!

2009-10-31T02:48:00.001-07:00

Hi all,

So sorry about no updates lately. Things have been crazy, including an impromptu trip out of town that I wasn't expecting.

Lamely, I don't intend to write a real post right now because I have to wake up in 5 or 6 hours, but I wanted to let you know, I ain't dead! And I swear I will be back as soon as I can. Also, a couple of lovely ladies have given me some awards (including one I totally forgot to pick up a week or two ago), so, at the very least, we'll be passing that torch.

Love you!

Get busy, na na na na na na

2009-10-28T01:39:00.001-07:00

I'm really sick of being on the computer today, but I thought I better follow up that last post real quick!

First off, it had nothing to do with my weight loss journey, despite this being a weight loss blog, so apologies if it came across that way. It was just about life in general, and my attempt at trying to humor myself despite my demotivation with certain things lately. Long story short, I have a ton of things to do lately (write and edit some articles for the paper I work for; write, design and edit the newsletter I do for a nonprofit; make a 30-page powerpoint for one of my classes; write a 30-40 page paper for another class; etc., etc.) and, because I have so much to do, I'm losing a desire to do any of it.

Oh, and to top it off I finally convinced myself to do some NaNoWriMo action but I just can't figure out exactly what I want to write about. That was the main source of my "inspiration" comment. I won't bother expanding, but... yeah. I think with everything else I'm required to write right now, the idea of writing for fun just isn't as satisfying as it was when I first made the decision.

Anyhoo, how has this affected my weight loss? Well, I haven't been weighing myself daily as I once was so I guess I can't say exactly, but today I've finally found some motivation to get back into workout mode. It's hard for me to explain exactly why, but I was really losing the desire to exercise as much as I need to. So, this new desire is good at least.

With such a busy couple weeks ahead of me, I guess I need to do what I can just to make sure I actually stay on track. When I'm busy is when I forget things, like eating regularly and exercising. And forgetting about that probably won't do much for me. So, hey, here's a good little test to look forward to (or... not look forward to).

Noivous!

Also, very tired. G'night all!

Life is eating my brain right now.

2009-10-27T02:25:00.000-07:00

I want to feel inspired and, unfortunately, I do not.

I could probably explain this but perhaps another time.

That is all.

Holy crap Sundays

2009-10-26T13:39:00.000-07:00

Wow. Did I really miss yesterday? I cannot believe how insanely busy yesterday was. I think part of it is because, um, I came home reealllly late after Saturday's UFC fight. I used to stay out late all the time, but not so much in recent years. I guess I'm getting old (said with tongue firmly planted in cheek). It was kind of nice to have a late night again, though. Even though I was tired, we were having a really good time and not overindulging, so I enjoyed it.

FYI, I absolutely love these people. We haven't really hung out with them too much (my brother's been friends with them for a while, but my boyfriend and I just got to know them in the last 6-9 months), but the more we do, the more I love them. We ended up being a little late getting there, so instead of bringing food we just ate beforehand, since we figured we'd only be there an hour or two. My hour or two turned into 9 hours, though, so I did end up eating some of their food, but luckily they had a ton of vegetables and stuff to choose from, so I don't feel I did too terrible.

I made it to the doctor's today to get my blood drawn to make sure my thyroid levels are reacting to the meds as they're supposed to. I'm to call tomorrow to find out the results, so hopefully there's been some good improvements.

While I was there, I had them draw some extra blood to check my minerals, since my calve cramping problems piss me off. I'm trying some new things that may or may not work, but, hell, if I'm getting my blood drawn anyway, I might as well have them draw an extra couple vials and make sure all is well, right? My mom used to have some serious cramping herself and they did bloodwork, determined she was low in various vitamins and minerals, so now she takes a little extra of those particular vitamins and minerals, and, whaddaya know, no problems since then. I don't know that we necessarily have the same problem, but I'm all about narrowing down the possibilities.

I plan on doing some grocery shopping today, finally. I still have food in my fridge, but I haven't been having a "real" breakfast lately (y'know, with eggs and goodness?) because I ran out a few days ago and have been so ridiculously busy, making the list and going shopping hasn't happened. Don't get me wrong, I've been eating breakfast, it just more closely resembles lunch, or a large snack. And now that I'm in the habit of having breakfast, I kind of like it. Eating two lunch-type meals isn't as mentally satisfying for me, for some reason, even though it's just as healthy and keeps me just as full.

I've developed a real, true love affair with food lately, and I'm pretty excited about that. I know a lot of overweight people have issues with loving food too much, but I've always been the opposite. If I don't think about eating I forget, which started to become a problem when I went off on my own to college. During kindergarten through high school, there were designated food breaks and then I'd eat with the family at night, so I was always eating at least lunch and dinner. But in college, there was no one reminding me to eat. I remember times when I went for two days without eating, not because I was trying to starve myself, or because I was trying to lose weight, or because I was too poor, or anything like that. It was simply because I was so busy, I forgot to eat. Then, of course, when I realized I'd missed some meals, I'd be so flippin' hungry that I'd eat enough for three people.

Now, I won't lie, I still have my days where that's a problem for me. I'll be working on a paper for school, for example, and too late realize that six hours of my life is gone and I haven't eaten anything. Those are the days I'm starving at night, and you've heard every time it happens since I tend to try to learn something from it. But, if you pay attention, you'll notice that's only happened a couple times, so I'm really proud of that. Most of the time I eat what I'm supposed to and feel nice and full all through the day.

The last time I ate something crappy (I think it was the grilled cheese day?), I realized something amazing the next morning that I forgot to mention. Normally, I wake up with a pleasant feeling of my tummy being completely empty and a little hungry (not, like, eating itself from the inside. Really, truly, it's a pleasant feeling of hunger. Did you know that's possible? Because I didn't use to). When I woke up the moring after my binge, though, I felt... ugh. Full and bloated and just all over crappy. And it made me realize, that's how I used to feel every morning. That's why I didn't used to eat breakfast -- because I'd eat such bad food the night before, that I'd wake up with that gross, disgusting feeling and couldn't imagine stuffing more in my gullett. Waking up with that feeling this last time was actually the first time I noticed it's become normal that I have a pleasant empty feeling in the morning, and that, furthermore, I dig it.

My love-hate relationship with gum.

2009-10-24T15:51:00.000-07:00

Today I did my weigh-in and, I have to say, after discovering yesterday that I lost over an inch of my mid-section in a week, I expected to lose a decent amount of poundage. But, only one pound this week, taking me to 220. Ah well -- I'm more concerned about the inches anyway, so I'm rollin' with it.

This is why it's good to take measurements, I suppose. After seeing that one pound I redid my measurements and they're still the same, so that makes me feel better!

A friend invited us over to watch the UFC fight tonight. That should be interesting (food-wise)... but he did say bring food and drinks, so I don't feel so bad bringing something healthy, and I plan on cooking and eating dinner before I go so, on second thought, it shouldn't be so bad. I'm not a huge drinker so I don't really get tempted by that sort of thing.

Any Johnny Cash fans out there? (How can you not be? I mean, really?) I'm in love with him more than usual lately. I can't help but listen to Hurt and just feel such a remarkable amount of pain. Yet, I can't stop listening to it. Great song. Go listen to it if you haven't yet, but make sure you're in a kind of melancholy mood. It'll make you happy-sad, if that makes sense.

I love Orbit gum. You know why? Because I can actually chew it. I don't know what it is, but I am a gum chewing retard. There are very, very few brands that I can pop in my mouth and chew without swallowing about 5-10 seconds later (Big Red lasts me about 3 seconds). I have the most success with the short, fat ones. Orbit, for example? I can chew until the flavor is gone and my jaw hurts. But if it's a regular long, skinny stick, I fail. I haven't always been this way, but I think that fact confuses me even more than my brand-specificness. I used to chew Big Red all the time when I was in school. When did I forget how to chew gum? Are the different sizes an indication that they're made different? I've tried folding the thin ones so they "look" more like the fat ones, but even that doesn't work for me. It might last a couple extra seconds, but that just might be because I'm focusing so hard on not swallowing.

Weird.

I am exhausted so I think I'm going to take a quick nap before dinner... ssh, our little secret!

Pants updates

2009-10-23T16:32:00.001-07:00

I just realized I haven't done a Bloggerhood post this week. Yipes! So, lucky you, enjoy two posts today.

The pants. Yes, the pants. They hang in my closet, peering out at me every day. I don't expect to see much of a difference in the fit until at least my midway point (Nov. 15), but in our first week together, I've tried them on twice, just as a reminder.

To refresh your memory or fill in those who may be new, I'm an official recipient of jeans from the Bloggerhood of the Not So Fat Pants, which celebrates the joy of growing out of a jean size. After all, the jeans don't lie. Click the blue button near the top right of my page for more info. At the start I was wearing a size 20, and my goal is to fit into these 16s by my birthday, Dec. 15, which gave me exactly two months. I had 12 inches to lose in my waist, and 4 to lose in my hips to see it come true.

I did another set of measurements today to see where I'm at, and I'm progressing quite well. I need to lose just over an inch in my waist each week (on average) to make this goal a reality, and that's just what I did this week. I'm pretty proud of that, and with a little luck and motivation I'm thinking I should be able to maintain that momentum through to the end. Constant vigilance! (Thank you, Ms. Rowling)

My boyfriend gave me a great jeans-related comment last night. While not the pants, I was wearing some jeans while we were in the kitchen making dinner when, out of nowhere, he says, all serious-like, "Baby, your butt looks good in these." I laughed at him because it was so random, so he explained what I already knew: When I'm heavier I get what I like to call "pancake ass." But when I lose weight, the shape of my booty starts to come back. Ladies and gentlemen, apparently the booty is coming back.

Because being a Pantser is such a huge motivator, I definitely plan on sending some of my own pants out into the world once I'm finished with them.

The big excuse.

2009-10-23T14:01:00.000-07:00

I was talking about excuses the other day. So, are you ready for it? The excuse to top all excuses? The reason I occassionally think I'm doomed to be overweight forever?

OK, good. We'll get to it in a minute. Let me preface it by telling you about my family. I LOVE (most of) my family. My parents? Amazing. Seriously, they are the kind of people that make you realize true love does exist, despite the divorce rate and abuse rate and whatever else going on today. They don't just love each other, but love their children with such passion that it's almost ridiculous. My parents rock. My brother? Also amazing. We talk every day and I can't get enough of his brilliant mind. Sure, he goes on his tangents, but hey! I do too! I just can't wait until he actually finishes one of his brilliant projects. He's a future millionaire by-way-of inventor waiting to happen.

Now, something a bit more personal. My dad, thanks to his side of the family, was conditioned to love eating out. The grandma I live with is his mom. She goes out to eat every day with her other son, my uncle, who lives down the way from us. It's just how they are, and how they always will be. I honestly can't say why, but they get a lot of enjoyment out of it (even when, as has been happening lately, it's just a trip to the grocery store to eat at the deli). I don't mind so much with grandma because it gets her out of the house and, at 91, that's important. But, she hasn't always been 91.

Enter my mom. My mom's family literally never ate out. Ever. So when her and my dad got together 35 years ago, it was a treat to be taken out all the time. She felt special and loved because of it. It was almost as if her years of deprivation had the opposite affect, conditioning her to also love eating out.

As you can probably guess, this translated to my brother and I eating out all the time. I remember being in third grade and going to a coffee shop (this was in the 80s, so it was an old school coffee shop, which was more of a small restaurant or cafe, as opposed to the coffee shop of today's world: e.g., Starbucks) every morning before school. It had "mustard" in the name (why do I remember that?). Anyway, that's just always been the way for us. I do remember my mom cooking, but I also remember a lot of restaurants.

Now to my excuse: I was conditioned to be this way. I was never taught proper nutrition (after I'd get off the bus throughout middle school, I'd buy Skittles and a Cactus Cooler, every day. No apples, no nuts, no water. Skittles and Cactus Cooler). I'm not angry with my parents for this, but it does get very frustrating for me.

When my parents come to visit, I'm elated because I love hanging out with them, but I'm also filled with some dread because I no longer like eating out like they do. In the past year or two, I've come to love cooking. I guess I'm kind of the opposite of my mom: Like she loves eating out because she never did, I love cooking because we rarely did. When they visit, or when we visit them, I have to argue like crazy to get them to eat at home. "Just let me cook for you! Why can't I cook for you?" Sometimes I win. Usually I get frustrated and give up. But then, do I stay home, thereby turning my back on quality time with my parents, just so I can eat right? Or do I go to the cheap, greasy places they choose and just deal with it? Sometimes I choose eating right because it's important, and sometimes I choose dealing with it, because time with my family is also important.

I don't know that I've ever maintained a weight loss when my parents were in town. Not that I gain anything major: two pounds average, and I'm pretty sure that's mostly water weight thanks to suddenly eating so much more sodium than usual. But it still gets frustrating because I can't figure out how to find a balance with them. I can figure out if a meal I make at home is healthy, but if I have to eat out, suddenly my mind is completely blank. I won't lie: It scares me to eat out. Cooking is my safe place.

My entire family is large (other than my brother, as I mentioned before, and there's no rhyme or reason to that so it doesn't count). It sometimes makes me feel like I'm doomed to wear this fat suit till I die. Furthermore, I haven't ever been thin. What does it feel like to be thin? What am I reaching for here? I can guess, but I can't guarantee myself anything.

Having said that, I can also safely say that, um, I've never really tried to lose weight. Ever. Sure, I have my spurts where I say that I'm going to exercise, and I say that I'm going to eat right, and I say blah, blah, whatever, but my heart has never really been in it. I've never really thought, "Hell yes I can lose this weight!" I've never really expected to become a size 8, even though I've constantly said that would be my ideal size. I don't even know what I'd look like as a size 8. Throughout middle school and high school, I was never below a 13/14. So, why choose that size? While we're at it, why choose a particular weight if I don't know what I look like or how I feel at that weight? I chose 150, but I can't tell you why. It's a little above the recommended weight for my height, so I guess I feel like it's safe. In my mind, 150 doesn't require me to exercise six days a week to maintain, which is great because I don't have the motivation to exercise six days a week. I'd like to in theory, but I can't seem to bring myself to do it. I say, "I'll see how I feel at that weight," but what I'm really saying is, "I'll see how I feel about exercising more often once I'm at that weight."

Now, please don't take this as me being pessimistic about my weight loss, because it's not intended that way. I feel like things are changing for me now. I'm starting to understand why I should eat certain things, or eat certain combinations. Not fully, but I'm starting to. It's getting easier to go into the kitchen, throw something together really quick, and be confident that's it's a healthy option.

What I'm intending to say is this: I'm scared. I have a great feeling about how things will go this time, but I'm scared that even though I feel like I'm really progressing now, like I'm really learning the difference between right and wrong, something is going to happen and I'm going to go back into old habits. Even though I'm more preoccupied now with how I feel (for example, when I eat a full day's worth of good food, I feel full. When I don't, I feel like I'm starving and could eat my whole kitchen. When I exercise, I feel empowered. When I don't, I feel helpless), which is helping me learn what the right decisions are, I'm worried that some day I'm not going to focus on that, or not remember that, and the weight is going to come rushing back.

I guess I need to learn how to get over that, and I guess that only comes with proving myself wrong and proving that I CAN do this, but I'm still scared in the mean time. However, how much weight I've lost so far - even though it doesn't seem like much - is really a testament to how much my head is in the game this time, I think. See, I used to work with a personal trainer who I loved. I actually credit her for helping me to begin to understand how food works, so to speak. However, while I was starting to get somewhere with her, my head was never in the game. It was like what some people say about (insert religious group here): perfect angel on Sunday, but a devil the rest of the week. When I was with her, I got it. The rest of the time? Eh, maybe, maybe not.

Looking back it must have been so frustrating for her. I talked the big talk the days we worked together, not because I was trying to be deceitful but because I really believed it. But obviously I didn't always believe it because I think I lost 10 pounds in a matter of three months or something with her, and as soon as I had to quit seeing her, it slowly came back. I've now re-lost almost all of that weight in under a month. So, when I say I think things are changing, I believe it, and, like I said, I think the scale is a testament to that.

Oh, and I formerly referenced, "Why say this size or weight when I don't really know what that means." And that I do believe. I'm going to stop assigning a clothing size, or a "perfect weight," because I really don't know what that is for me. I haven't been down that road yet, so how can I say what's at the end? My first goal is 199, so I'm going to change my tracker at the top to reflect that. I will want to lose more, I'm sure of it, but I want to make my goals smaller for now and then constantly reassess where I am at that time so I don't feel like it's completely unreachable. The days I feel like I'm getting out of hand, I won't get frustrated and quit, because 20 pounds is a lot less than 70 pounds. Taking a step back from 20 pounds is not as painful as taking a step back from 70 pounds. Additionally, taking a step toward 20 is ultimately more gratifying than 70, because it's a whole lot closer. So every failure seems like just a misstep, and every success feels like winning the lottery.

Maybe it'll work, maybe it won't, but I want to try it. I'm not frustrated yet, and this time around I haven't had those days when I want to give up (though I have had those, "What were you thinking?" days), but ghosts of my past are scary.

Oh, and by the way, I know Friday is supposed to be my weigh-in day, but I had to run out of the house this morning and completely forgot to step on the scale because I was in a hurry, so I'm going to do it first thing tomorrow morning.

Sleeping and eating... but not at the same time.

2009-10-22T10:10:00.001-07:00

Yesterday marks my first missed day of posting. So, I will apologize, but I can't say I'm sorry. Because last night, my lovelies, I actually fell asleep at midnight. It wasn't intentional, hence the missed post, and I didn't even know I was tired to be honest, but suddenly... I was out. Jeans still on, TV blaring, I didn't care!

I have a bit of an insomnia problem, sometimes it bothers me sometimes it doesn't. But I hate consistently falling asleep so late, as I have been recently, because I'm not allowed to sleep in to make up for it. See, my boyfriend is one of "those" people... you know, the kind who wake up by 7 or 8 in the morning without an alarm clock, cheery as can be, and instantly off to do something? Me, it's more like I drag my ass out of bed at 9 or 9:30 because he's bored and has to wake me up, then I slog around the house for an hour until I can finally see straight and understand words that are being spoken to me, and then two hours later I think about doing something (I'm not sure what happens in those two hours, but I always seem to lose them).

Bed at midnight? Perfect, because 9 hours of sleep is my happy amount. Then I'm the one waking up ready to do something.

I think maybe I'll start posting earlier in the day, though, because lately I've been posting just before bed which has resulted in: uninteresting posts, or none at all.

---blah, blah, blah---

I learned something yesterday. Sometimes, it's OK to give in to your craving. Please, please give in to your craving every once in a while.

Last night I wanted a grilled cheese sandwich. I used the "wait 20 minutes" rule and chugged some water, but it didn't matter... I still wanted a grilled cheese sandwich. So I thought, is there anything healthier I can eat? And holy crap did I eat. And eat. Then I realized I was eating like a flippin' horse, and it wasn't all that healthy anymore, and I was still hungry. I tried ignoring it, but y'know? I still wanted that grilled cheese.

I was heading back to the kitchen once more and I finally figured, I don't care! I'm having the grilled cheese! So I made it and it was glorious and I was satisfied and didn't even think about eating anything else.

Do you even know how many calories I could have saved if I'd just given into the craving? I don't... and I guess that's kind of the point. It's a LOT, though, I can tell you that.

So after eating like crap with my parents on Tuesday, and then eating like crap last night, I worry I'm once again going to be disappointed with my weigh-in this week. Before my two days of grossness I was down to just under 220 (like, 219.5-ish). After the two days of grossness? Back to 222. I didn't drink enough water those two days, though, and I had a lot of extra salt, so I'm hoping if I drink a crap ton of water today and work out really hard and, oh, eat right, maybe I'll salvage and at least not gain. Maybe?

Anyhoo, I have more to say but I volunteer at a school on Thursdays and I need to get on my way, so maybe I'll consider this the Wednesday post and then write another post when I get back. Maybe. Or, maybe I'll just save that post for tomorrow.

Either way, have a glorious day!

'Bout time...

2009-10-20T23:33:00.000-07:00

I'm finally getting tired at a normal time, but can never get to sleep at a normal time... why is that? It's currently just after 11:30 here and I'm exhausted, but I'll probably be awake another couple hours.

Anyhoo, to celebrate my super tiredness and hopefully get to sleep, I'll make this short. My parents are in town, and I don't know why but my eating always sucks when my parents are in town. My calories were fine, but it wasn't as healthy as I would have liked it to be. I'd rather have it the other way around (questionable calories, but totally good food). Oh well. It's a short visit this time (just here for the day - they have to leave in the morning after breakfast), so I'm not going to worry about it.

I finally did something great for myself that I've been needing to do: I made a follow-up appointment to get my thyroid checked. I found out in January that I have thyroid problems. Afterwards, I was supposed to get it checked every two months to make sure I get the right dosage of medication. But, after I gained back that 10 pounds, I was so embarassed to go back. Don't know why on that one, but I was. They weigh me every time, and I didn't want to face that I guess. Therefore, my last appointment was supposed to be July, but, as you'll notice, it's now October. Better three months late than never?

I forgot that I loved so much how quick he is, both at getting me in and getting me through (I've never been at my doctor's for more than 25 minutes... that includes waiting in the lobby, consultation with nurse, waiting in the room, seeing the doctor, getting my bloodwork done, etc. Seriously? Love him). So, I was initially surprised when they said, "how about Monday?" But, hey, Monday it is! I'll be somewhat close to where I was last time in weight, so there's no reason to be embarassed. Right? Right!

Random bits!

2009-10-19T23:37:00.000-07:00

Thanks so much for the support after yesterday's post. I have to admit, I was really nervous about putting that up because I love grandma dearly and hate to appear as though I'm talking bad. It's just her "advice" that gets me going. So even though I haven't had the time today to reply individually, I wanted you to know it means a lot to me.

It seems like a lot of people are dealing with the same thing. And like Sue said, it's crazy how the people you think should support you are still hurtful. Right now, the only people I've actively told about my efforts are my boyfriend, grandma, parents and BFF. I'm not against other people finding out, I just figure there's no point of inviting the criticism, ya know? Losing weight is hard enough without outside "opinions."

I wish I had my camera to show you my progress. I'm so excited about how roomy my pants are getting! I'm going to have to make a trip to storage sooner rather than later to pick up some smaller clothes. And that is an exciting prospect. :-D I know it can't be right, but it feels like when I started this blog they were tight and now they're already quite loose. When I was riding home from a work meeting tonight (I don't have a full time job, but I've got a couple part-timers), I realized how not uncomfortable the drive was. Normally my stomache feels large and protruding, I feel it spilling over my jeans and when I look down I see gargantuan rolls. But not so much tonight. It was nice. It made me realize I can't wait to continue losing weight so I can be even more comfortable, considering I know I haven't even lost too many inches yet.

Speaking of, do you have a particular item of clothing that you'd love to fit in, when you're thin enough? I've always wanted to wear knee-high boots with a cute skirt or dress, or even over the right pants if I got thin enough, but my calves are way too big. I try them on every once in a while, but no luck. Not even close, actually. I couldn't find "the perfect" pair but an idea is here.

I'm super tired and therefore a little all over the place here, so I think I'm going to log off and get some sleep. Happy weight loss, everyone!

"Helpful" people

2009-10-18T23:33:00.000-07:00

Don't you hate the "...if you lost weight" comments? Like, "You'd be so pretty ...if you lost weight."

I live with my grandma so I can take care of her. I love her to death, but I'm sooo tired of her "diet advice." I've been trying to make changes in my life that can be permanent. I'm not one for "dieting." Therefore I don't want to starve myself because that's not realistic. Instead, I've been planning my meals for a week out and not buying anything extra. Then, I eat exactly what I've planned every day.

Eventually I won't have to be so strict about the planning, but right now I feel it's in my best interest. And, hey, it's been working for me so far. I'm starting on my third week and, last time I checked, I was down about six pounds. FYI, I'm good with that. Sure, everyone would like it to just fall off, but my logical side knows what's healthy, and since the whole point of this is to get healthy, I'm not going to do something extreme. If I'm out, I still don't starve. I adjust.

Those meals I plan? A day's calories will fall anywhere from 1200-1400 calories. Sometimes more, rarely less, but I really try to have an average for the week as opposed to an average for the day. As far as exercise I try to get at least 30 minutes in, at least three days per week. Most of the time I do closer to 60 minutes, but 30 is my minimum. I just finished setting up my mini gym tonight (now that the roommate from hell is gone, I get my exercise room back) so I'll probably be able to start working out more often now.

So, back to grandma's advice. She likes to give me friendly tips like, "I bet you could get a job... if you'd just lose weight." (To be honest, I haven't even been looking... I've been focusing on school. Details aside, I can't tell you how offended I am by this comment.) There's also the oh-so-popular, "You'd be so pretty... if you'd just lose weight." My boyfriend and I have been together for a few years now, but I used to hear about how I could find a boyfriend if I just lost weight (he loves me just as I am, thank you very much).

These are friendly tips that she just randomly blurts out when we aren't even talking about weight loss, which makes them more hurtful because it's like she's constantly thinking about how fat I am, or something. I try not to get offended because I know she honestly thinks she's being helpful, but sometimes I can't help it. What, you don't think I could get a job just because I'm overweight? You don't think my college degree, outgoing personality or willingness to learn would make any difference? You think I instead need to focus on having a hot body as opposed to continuing education?

I know she doesn't really mean this, but something her mom beat into her head is that it's important to be thin (fyi, grandma's not. Maybe this is why she feels the need to beat me up about it). The other thing her mother was so kind to do? Beat in the idea that the only way to lose weight is to starve yourself. So, first off I have to struggle with getting grandma to eat, because she wants to lose weight and thinks to do this she should eat no more than a can of beans a day. Perhaps add a 6 oz yogurt if she's really hungry. But I know she IS hungry, and a can of beans and 6 oz of yogurt ain't gonna cut it, so I make a serving of my healthy dinners for her so I know she's at least getting one good meal and SOME of her nutrition. But because she gets full after eating, she thinks it's making her fat, so every night I get lectured about feeding her too much. Please note, I don't make her clean her plate, she does that on her own. I've outright told her that she's welcome to save part of it for lunch the next day. So, I mean, I'll deal with the lecture to know she's eating, but some days I'm just over it. Especially the days she wolfs down a huge bowl of ice cream or German chocolate cake or something, and complains it's the healthy meal I fed her that makes her fat.... What?! You mean, it's not the dessert you expect every night after dinner?

The other thing I always have to hear is how I need to eat less, I'm eating too much and that's making me fat. She likes to tell me how her mom lost 30 pounds or something crazy in a month by eating just salads. Sometimes I'll get her to tell the rest of the story, which includes her mom passing out from not having enough nutrition.

Um. No. I refuse to be that person. Right now, as I said, I'm eating 12-1400 calories and I'm confident that it's all good food, lots of nutrition, etc. Last month? Last month I wasn't losing weight, and I'll confidently tell you it wasn't because I was eating too much. Quite the contrary, some days I would forget to eat altogether. The days I did eat, it was usually only one meal, and it was total crap (fast food, pizza, etc). To top it off, I quit exercising. It was that combination that made me fat, not eating too much.

Do you have people like this in your life? People who mean well, but just constantly undermine your efforts, day in and day out? I love grandma like you wouldn't believe. I'd do anything I could for her. But, unfortunately, there are certain "life lessons" she feels obligated to pass on, and at 91, I don't have a chance of changing her mind or convincing her to stop talking about it. As a matter of fact, I wonder if she even remembers our conversations since we have the same one all the time. I know she thinks she's helping but I wish there was some way of explaining to her that I don't want her help without hurting her feelings.

Sorry to vent, there's just some days that I'm not as good about ignoring it as others.

Excuses, and knowing when enough is enough

2009-10-17T16:26:00.001-07:00

I've been thinking a lot about excuses lately. It started back when I was still seeing my personal trainer. I was really disappointed in myself because while I had a job, I didn't work out as often as I should have because things were so hectic. It was always, "I just don't have time." The disappointment came when I lost the job and was still able to find some other excuse to not work out, even though I had all the time in the world. I realized that I am just full of excuses, and I need to quit being lazy and just start working out.

After that was when I ended up falling into a bit of depression, so I made all the excuses in the world and didn't care. I'm through that depression now, so I was thinking about excuses again last night. You know how they say pictures are worth a thousand words? Well I thought, what if excuses are worth five pounds each? Would I be able to come up with a list of excuses I use to not eat right or not exercise that would add up to the 70 pounds I want to lose?

The list took me maybe two minutes. Sadly, I could probably add more.

Just imagine how great things would be if you could drop an excuse from your life, which would automatically change your habits (instead of using your excuse, you'd just do whatever the heck you need to do) and you'd instantly drop five pounds from your body.

Here's how mine would work (in no particular order):

"But I'm so hungry..." 5 pounds gone
"I'm too tired to work out..." 10 pounds, poof!
"I have so much to do..." 15 pounds, out the door
"I ate recently, I'll work out later..." 20 pounds, gone!
"I'm sore from last time...." See ya, 25 pounds
"I can't afford to eat right..." 30 pounds, gone
"I'll look silly if I'm the only one not indulging..." 35 pounds, bye bye!
"My good sports bra/gym shorts/etc needs to be washed first..." 40 pounds, peace out
"I'll do this first and work out afterwards..." 45, gone
"I'm tired of my workout, but don't know what else to do..." 50 pounds gone from the liar with basically a home gym
"I don't know what to eat when I'm away from home..." Away with you, 55 pounds!
"I don't want to hurt my old injuries..." 60 pounds? Out o' here!
"I don't want to be rude and excuse myself from the group to exercise..." 65 pounds, long gone
"I don't want to be rude and refuse food..." 70 pounds, gone forever.

It's depressing to look at that and know I said some of those things. To know I SAY all of those things. Some I use more than others, but they all come into play every once in a while. For example, I don't often have to excuse myself from a group to exercise. That one only really applies when I go out of town and feel bad leaving whoever we're visiting "just" to go for a walk or what-have-you.

(insert segue...)

Do you have a particular moment that made you decide to change your ways and stop this fat cycle? I never really had one before. It was always the same stuff: "Being heavy makes me hurt," "I'm a sore thumb compared to my thin friends," "People don't take me seriously because I'm fat," "I want to fit in that cute outfit I saw at the store but they don't make it in my size," etc... These might all be fine reasons to turn your life around, but the problem is that I've had these reasons my whole life so they really lost their power. They became those things that you said knowing they're true, but you'd grown accustomed to dealing with. I also have my health reasons: I have diabetes, strokes and high blood pressure in my family, but, while I don't want those things and I want to lose weight so I can lower my risk for those things, I think it's sometimes hard for me to realize it's truly a danger because I do get tested and I'm in a healthy range. Maybe borderline high on some stuff, but healthy.

Let me tell you what finally did it for me just a few short weeks ago. A reason I never had before that made me realize, wow. I am broken and I need to be fixed.

It started with ordering pizza. I love the Dominos online ordering system. I always hated calling in for some reason, so it was perfect for me. Plus, for those that have never used it before, there's an order tracker that tells you when your food is being baked, bagged and delivered, and who is delivering it. So I placed an order again, and I remember looking at the name of my pizza delivery person and thinking, "Hmm, I've ordered a lot of pizza lately, but I don't recognize this name so hopefully it's someone new." (the fact that I even had that thought should have tipped me off that I had a problem)

A little while later the guy comes and I give him my card (I'm a slave to debit) and start to hand over my I.D., since usually they're really good at asking for it. And he says to me, "Oh, it's alright, we come here a lot so we trust you."

...

You... you recognize my address? You don't need verification because you're here so often? What?! And that was when I realized that I have a problem.

My name is Frances, and I'm a fat addict.

Apparently I was one of their best customers without even realizing it but I can tell you right now, I will definitely not be ordering from there any time soon. Not because they're bad - realistically, they have some of the best pizza in town and one of the friendliest staffs as well - but because that is one place I definitely don't want to be recognized as a regular customer.

On a final note, it's too bad my weigh-ins aren't on Saturday. I weighed in this morning at 221 pounds. Of course! I'm tempted to change my sidebar to reflect the one pound... Is that wrong?

Who's a rock star? I'm a rock star.

2009-10-16T21:55:00.001-07:00

This is sort of unrelated to weight loss, but I'm so excited I'm going to post it anyway!!! I went back to school because my original degree proved to be somewhat worthless (yay wasted money...). Just started this semester, taking three classes. Two I love, I get them, they make sense to me. The other? The other I DESPISE. Seriously, if you could kill a class, it would be bleeding on my floor.

So tonight I had to take my midterm and I was FREAKING OUT because I don't understand this class at all. It's audiology, has a lot to do with science and physics, and the last time I took a science or physics class? Probably 10 years ago. It also has a lot to do with anatomy which I haven't taken in 8 years or something. So I've been sitting here studying since my last post (however long ago that was), and suddenly things started making sense to me. Cheesy beam of light on my face and all, so I was a lot more confident going into the exam. And now that it's over can I just tell you? I kicked that midterm's ass.

Pumped.

I can make this weigh loss related for you too: Since I was studying all day, I did a whole lot of non-movement and non-eating (luckily my boyfriend and I had already planned to eat together tonight, so I did take a study break for that). Not exactly the way I planned today after seeing my 222 hanging on, but I can't even care right now. I was seriously planning on failing the test, so now that I didn't... If I were capable, I'd be doing back flips right now!

Goals and weighing in!

2009-10-16T11:12:00.001-07:00

First off, a great big THANK YOU to everyone out there for being supportive in my pants journey! I'm pretty excited, and I s'pose I feel a little pressure since I've given myself a pretty big task, but your support means the world.

Having said that, I'm starting my journey on a bit of a sour note. First the broken camera, then my first weigh in (which I guess is kind of my starting weight for the pants journey). I know I said I'd be happy with maintaining my weight this week because I was out of town for the first half of it, but I might have lied (to you and to myself) because I'm a little disappointed today. I weighed in this morning, and I was still at 222.

I try to remind myself that when I weighed in the morning after returning from out of town, I was 225, so getting that three pounds back off is fantastic. I try to remind myself that I had an awesome experience on the treadmill the other day (which I'll talk about in a few), and that means more than any weightloss. I try to remind myself that I'm losing inches. But it just doesn't matter, because at the end of the day I still weigh 222, and secretly I wanted to lose something. Anything. I'm so close to being out of the 220s, so any baby step I can take to get me there makes me a whole lot happier.

So the treadmill thing. Let's talk about that. I have some wicked crazy problem with my calves. I don't know what causes it and other people haven't been able to figure it out either, but when I'm on the treadmill (or hiking, etc) I get these debilitating cramps in my calves. It feels like I just climbed a mountain after sitting on the couch for five years, but I'm still in my five minute warmup stage, which currently is only a 2.0 incline and a 3.0-3.2 speed. I struggle to finish that five minute warmup and then I have to stretch them out, and the pain is so bad it makes me want to cry. So, I take a quick break, get them stretched and sometimes massaged, and continue on, stopping once in a while to restretch. I've heard you aren't supposed to necessarily stretch during a workout, but it's the only thing that makes the pain stop for me. When I'm hiking, it's a similar story: I try to take it slow and steady so the pain doesn't come on too quickly, but when it eventually does I have to stop and stretch.

This started after I injured my foot, when I finally got back into the gym, but I figured it was because of my newfound fatness (that's when I got up to 242) and that it would go away as I worked out more. Now I'm less fat and the pain is still just as bad as ever, so I haven't a clue what it's going to take to make it go away.

And now for the moment: The other day I was on the treadmill chugging along, getting in a really good work out (lots of hills and speed), and 17 minutes in I noticed, holy crap! I haven't had to stretch yet! It sounds like the most retarded thing, but if I could somehow get across the amount of pain I'm in, I think you would understand how great it is to work hard and still be able to go that long without taking a stretch break. It. Was. Glorious.

Now that was by no means a permanent thing, witnessed by the fact that last night I had to stretch before my warmup was even over, but to have a little glimpse in the future and think someday I might not have this horrible pain??? Man that feels good. I feel like it holds me back a lot. Example, it's really hard for me to build my stamina because most of the time my calves give out before I'm even out of breath, so I can't push myself in that way. I'm currently working on consistently walking/running three miles in less than 45 minutes with no less than a 2.0 incline on the treadmill, and with my dang calves always screaming at me it makes that a very difficult goal.

I'm curious how other people figure out a deadline for their goals. Or do you? I have a few in mind, and I'd like to get some dates on them (I work better under pressure) but I'm not sure exactly how to decide. Plus, some of my goals are not specific to my weight (though they require weight loss). Here's some of the stuff I'd like to see happen:

Fit in (or get close to fitting in) my Halloween costume
Fit in Ex Hot Girl's pants by my birthday (a size 16 by 12/15)
Get to 215
Get under 200
Get to 175
Get to 150
Jog three miles in 45 minutes
Run three miles in 30 minutes
Climb a rock wall
Buy cute clothes

That rock wall thing has been a fear of mine for a long time because I don't want to embarass myself. I think back to my high school grad night, we had a rock wall and I desperately wanted to climb it, but I thought for sure I would look stupid (especially after doing one of the other "toys" and looking silly) so I didn't even try. I never have since even though the opportunity has come up a couple times. But I reeallly want to. I'm thinking that one goes hand in hand with the 175 goal... When I reach 175, I'll reward myself by conquering my rock wall fear.

I'll continue working on this, but if any of you successful people have ideas on how to come up with realistic goals and how to set a date, I'd love to hear it!

And so the journey begins...

2009-10-15T22:56:00.000-07:00

So, the oh-so-awesome Bloggerhood of the Not So Fat Pants (Oh, you hadn't heard? Well look to the right of this post and click on the snazzy blue button): *ahem* I was somehow chosen as the first recipient of some pants! And I got them today! Yay pants!

When I got them, I immediately walked in the door, threw them on, grabbed my camera and tripod and prepared to head out to photoshoot location #1 (Ex Hot Girl Jenn requested interesting locations, so I stockpiled a few in my head). Before I walked out the door I decided to clear my card real quick since I had recently taken photos for someone, when disaster struck.... My beloved camera wouldn't work!! It was pretty much the only thing that could have killed my pants buzz since I was so excited about the before/after photos, and let me tell you, I was not happy. I am not happy. I am in love with my camera. We have relations. It thrills me. Oh, and it cost a lot.

I did some research and the problem is fixable but will take a few weeks, which means I'm going to have to do some crappy camera phone photos for this first entry. To top it off, I don't have a full length mirror in my house (yeah, I was shocked too) so I had to wait till my boyfriend got home from work, therefore they aren't even in my interesting location. BUT, I expect to have at least a point-and-shoot that I can use next week so I fully plan to go do the photo shoot that was in my head once that day comes. Because I love you, dear Bloggerhood, and you deserve a little Nevada excitement in your life.

Oh, and I just ate, so my photos? Supafat tummy. But I'm OK with that, because it'll just make the after photos look that much better. ;-P

NOW that I'm done rambling and providing excuses, on to the interesting stuff! THE PANTS!

----------------

I know the idea of the Bloggerhood is to grow OUT of pants since that's such a thrill, but I kind of had something different in mind that I think still captures the spirit. My 29th birthday is in exactly two months, and I would LOVE to be back to a size 16, or close to it, by that time. Wouldn't you know it, the Bloggerhood requires you to keep the pants for only two months, and the pair I received are 16s. Perfect! So, my goal is actually to grow INTO these bad boys. Even if I have a muffin top, I would die with excitement if they buttoned and, y'know, I could sit down and still breathe and all that.

I'm a size 20, so a 16 sounds like a stretch, but I will say that my 20s are kind of loose (not enough that I'd confidently wear an 18, but it's on the horizon) and I'm just looking to muffin-top the 16s, so I don't think it's asking too much. Of course, once I tried them on I thought, "Dear GOD what have I got myself into?!" But, hey, details.

According to Ex Hot Girl, who's pants I'm trying to fit into, here's the info on my new jeans:

Levi Curvy Boot Cut 529's
Size 16 Medium
Dark
blue wash
33.5" waist
44" hips

And here's my starting info:

Curvy Almost 29
Size 20 Medium
Pale white wash
45" waist
48" hips

I really don't think that waise measurement is right, but whatever. 45" was the highest of the three measurements I took, so I decided to go with it. Also, so you don't think I'm totally crazy: My stomache is where I gained much of the last 20 pounds, which means it should come off there first, so I really do believe this is possible. (I'm tempted to erase that in case I'm wrong, but... ah hell. Screw it.)

Now that I've said that, look at the photos and giggle amongst yourselves about how far I have to go. (No worries, I did!)

This is me, exactly two months before I turn 29, wearing my newly acquired Bloggerhood pants. I didn't attempt to stretch them at all (I wouldn't want to stretch out the waist band, since other people are going to receive these later) so that gap is as big as it gets. I'm just holding the tabs up to give you a good idea.

I have to say, I can see how these pants would be super flattering if they fit, so those of you hoping to grow out of this particular pair in the future? Be excited. I'm inspired to buy some of my own when this is all over. I got in a major pants rut for, oh, five years or so now, and the few pants I did buy never really fit me quite right. So yes, sweet bloggerhood, I am excited about these pants!!!

My camera phone doesn't take the clearest pictures, but I promise you'll see some better, more interesting shots once a better camera is in my hands. Like a week? Can you hold out??

I hope to see you during my journey over the next two months!

Baby steps

2009-10-14T13:07:00.001-07:00

Man I'm tired right now. I don't know why, but I think I could take a nap without thinking twice about it. As a matter of fact, I might sneak a quick one in before I take grandma to the doctor.

Anyhoo, since it's the middle of the month, I did a dress check to see how far I've come along regarding my Halloween costume challenge. For those that didn't read that post, I bought a costume that was too small (but was the largest available) thinking it was realistic that I could fit into it by Halloween, which was exactly six weeks away.

Had I changed my eating habits right away, I think I would be successful at fitting into it by Halloween sans alterations. But since I waited 2 1/2 weeks to really do that, I'm not so sure now. I'm facing the reality that I'm just going to have to accept that I've been successful in losing some weight, but didn't give myself enough time to lose enough weight, and if I want to wear the costume I'll need to alter it a bit to make it fit. Sad day, but oh well. I'm still going to try my hardest so even if I do have to alter it, at least it looks as good as possible. Not too much back fat sticking out and whatnot.

Speaking of inches, since that's what I need to lose to fit in that costume, I finally found my measuring tape so I can actually get an idea of where I'm starting from. I haven't officially figured out my measurements yet, being as how I just found it, but out of curiosity I did a quick waist and hip measurement to see how far I am from fitting in Ex-Hot Girl's pants and.... well, let's just say I've definitely got my work cut out for me, more than I realized. I know everyone is different, but I haven't a clue approximately how many pounds I have to lose in order to go down a size, so I'm curious if someone could tell me what it is for them? I guess I'm just looking for a rough idea so I know if it's realistic that I might fit into those pants like I so desperately want to.

Anyhoo, I just realized the time so I'll cut this short, and perhaps write again if I'm feeling up to it after class. Have a wonderful day!

Oh happy day...!

2009-10-13T11:22:00.001-07:00

This weekend was amazing. Not completely in the sense that I'd like it to be, but definitely amazing.

First off, possibly the best part of my weekend: The evil roommate from hell is gone. I know I didn't talk too terribly much about him, but suffice to say he was worse than having a kid (spent my money, ate my food, never cleaned up after himself, etc., etc.--all this at 25 years old). I just wrote a big long explanation, but really all I think needs to be said is: Good riddance! The friendship never would have survived had you stayed any longer.

This weekend we went out of town, and I definitely undid some of that 4 pound loss from last week. I had everything planned out, but then things went so far off plan, so far off what always happens when we visit, I just never saw it coming. So I would probably normally be pretty upset about this, but it was actually kind of good.

Here's the thing: The week I lost four pounds I was eating all of my meals as I had planned, and even though I didn't really feel like I was eating that much, I was always so full I couldn't finish my dinner at the end of the day. Then, this weekend, I was eating all erratic-like and not eating my choice of food, and you know what? I was starving. It didn't matter how much I ate, I was s-t-a-r-v-i-n-g.

So even though the weekend really was a let down, regarding food and weight loss, and I'm sad that I might not be able to show more loss this Friday, at least I feel like I learned something important. I've never noticed my appetite change to such a large degree before. That's a good thing to learn, and a good thing to remember if I start eating badly then wonder why I feel the need to pig out.

On a positive note, I've got all day today, tomorrow and the next day to make some big, big efforts and see what I can undo. Once I finish this blog, I'm going to go shopping to stock some food for the week. Then, after I get home and put it away, I'm going to jump on getting my exercise. Excitement! Let's see what I can do to get back to my 222 by Friday! And, I just remembered, it is Tuesday so maybe I'll be motivated to do some exercise during Biggest Loser, too. I won't make that promise because I couldn't sleep last night so I'm pretty tired, but we'll see what happens.

Happy weight loss, all!

Hot pants! Happy Birthday!

2009-10-13T01:48:00.000-07:00

I had something I totally intended to blog about, but now? Not so much! Why? Because I was catching up on some reading I missed and just found out that I'm the first honoree to receive some pants from The Bloggerhood of the Traveling Not-So-Fat Pants (see the button to the right)!!!

Quite honestly, I'm never chosen for anything, so to be the first for this? I am thrilled, thrilled, thrilled! Lots of exclamation marks and all that!

For those of you not familiar with the Bloggerhood yet, first off, go check it out. It's an awesome idea by a couple of awesome bloggers who took a little inspiration from The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants and made it dieter-friendly. Basically, as people grow out of certain sizes of jeans, they are passed on to another dieter, chosen randomly. There's lots of pairs that will eventually be going around, but so far... a pair of hot little 16s are heading into my hot little hands!

Talk about motivation, right? You have to post pictures of yourself when you first get the pants and then of course updates, preferably once per week, and my blog might not have much in the way of followers, but the Bloggerhood does, and that's where they'll be posted. So, knowing that bloggers will be following me and my successes? Or non successes? Knowing that, let me tell you, if my fat ass can fit in those pants by... holy crap, by my birthday (Dec. 15-we have two months with the pants). How perfect is that?! It's like it was planned or something. Anyway, if there's any chance I can fit in (and perhaps out of?) those pants my birthday, you damn well know I will!

I'm kind of tired from being on the road all day, so I'm sure I'm rambling. But, I'm excited! It happens!

Once I get the pants I'll go ahead and post a little more regarding where I'm starting (specific to the pants), what I'm hoping will come from my pant-astic experience... all that. I don't consider this an "official" pants post and I'd rather save it for that one. But for now? For now I'm going to revel in the excitement that I was chosen for something delightful!!! Maybe this is the universe's way of letting me know that I am going to be successful. And a little reminder that there are people to help motivate you if you're willing to reach out.

Also, by special request, my baby boy. If you're not a cat person, go ahead and quit reading now because the rest of this post will be catalicious. You've been warned!

His name is Yogi-Mon, and he's my little happy cat. You can't tell in this picture, but he has a natural little smile on his face all the time and purrs like there's no tomorrow. He has more energy than the rest of my family's cats put together. You also can't tell in this picture, but he's super small in size despite being fully grown (don't have an exact number, but he can't be more than about 7 pounds).

My boyfriend and I used to foster cats for an adoption agency in Las Vegas (Lordy, we fostered so many cats), and his litter was the last we fostered. We had him, his brother and his two sisters, who were all found in the wall of a mortuary with momma nowhere in sight. I happened to be talking to the agency's president when they were brought in, and I just couldn't say no. I've never regretted it since, even though they were just a couple days old so there was lots of bottle feeding and very little sleep.

He got his name because when he was first born, his ear shape made him look like a little bear (hence, Yogi Bear, which later became Yogi-Mon, because he's my Jamaican Thunder). He was also the most social of the four, and the most vocal, by far. Unfortunately, while they all seemed to be doing so well at first, we had a bad week in September where, one by one, the other three died. The adoption agency's president thought they probably all had a disease since it was so sudden and unexplainable (their last feeding for the night they'd be great, then we'd check on them in the morning, literally just a few hours later, and they'd be dead or almost there), and Yogi had some features indicative of the disease (I forget, but I think it was FIP). I couldn't bear to lose the whole litter so I fought tooth and nail to make sure Yogi didn't have the same fate if I could help it, which means he was totally spoiled. Obviously it worked, as he turned a year old in August and is totally healthy now. Additionally, the bonding that happened in my efforts to save him resulted in our last foster kitty being one I just couldn't consider giving up.

Here's a little picture to show you how much he's grown up, taken just over a year ago. He used to be nothing but belly and head. We had a four-foot-tall table we put the litter box on so the dogs wouldn't get into it. We covered it in carpet and the cats just loved climbing it, whether they needed to use the box or not. This photo was taken after he figured out how to get up, and was looking over the edge trying to figure out how the heck he'd get back down. Four feet is pretty far when you only weigh a pound!

Anyway, sorry for the random cat interruption. I just figured pets are a big part of my life, so from time to time you might as well meet some of the many animals at my house (I take care of grandma, and my boyfriend lives with us as well, so between the three of us there's grandma's two cats, my three cats, my boyfriend's two cats, and two dogs that belong to bf and I, plus his four fish). Bamm Bamm just crawled in my lap to let me know he'd like to be featured next. But don't worry, I won't make this the crazy cat lady blog! I'm still focused on my weight loss goal, these furry creatures just help me get there. :)

Whoop, whoop!

2009-10-09T11:47:00.000-07:00

Today I get to post my first success: 4 1/2 pounds! A lot of times, when I know I'm going out of town part of the next week, I'll write my weight loss as less than it is (so rather than posting 222, I'd post 224.5 or something), that way if I maintain it looks like I lost weight both weeks. And if I still lose, then, hey! Great! Bigger loss the next week.

I fear my brain needs some fixin' sometimes! Does anyone else have silly habits like this?

This time, though, I really want to focus on being honest with myself. It's tough to work out your issues if you're constantly lying to yourself. And I'd like to be healthy by the time I turn 30, which gives me just over a year to lose 75 pounds, so there's no time for lying to myself anymore. Plus, if I write that as less than it is, then I'm already planning on gaining weight this weekend. Therefore, even though I'm going out of town today, I thought I should post that as what truly appeared on my scale - 222 - and relish my 4 1/2 pound loss (yay, water weight!).

I won't lie, I'm really nervous about going out of town and gaining a little bit of that back. It seems every time that's what happens. But, I'm trying to look at the things I've got working for me. 1) It's at the beginning of the week, and only for 3 1/2 days. Realistically, how much damage can a person do in 3 1/2 days? I'll have that same amount of time to undo it before weighing in. 2) I have a stronger desire this time to beeee gooood. That really helps. And most important, 3) I (mostly) have a plan this time. I usually just wing it and hope it turns out OK. I say mostly because I'm bringing shoes for walking and food to eat most of the time I'm there, but there is one day that we're going to some resort, or something? For an entire day? And I've never been there so I have no idea what to expect, but I'm just crossing my fingers that they've got healthy options and that I will embrace those healthy options.

In totally unrelated news, I have a small boy cat and my boyfriend has a med/large female, and she hates the world, whereas my little boy is the happiest cat you'll ever see. But for some reason he loves teasing her. She gets mad and growls when he even looks in her direction, so he'll spend hours staring at her, every once in a while jumping at her just to irritate her. He'd never actually hurt her, though. He's just a tease. I try to make him stop because it upsets my boyfriend's cat (and therefore my bf), but really? I probably get way too much enjoyment out of it. I love the cats, but c'mon! He's that little sibling that sticks their finger next to your face, "I'm not touching you. I'm not touching you," while you scream "Mom! Make him stop!" But, if you just don't care, the kid stops on his own.

I try to explain this to her, but she just growls and hisses and spits more.

Wait... how did this happen again?

2009-10-08T20:52:00.000-07:00

I was reading through some blogs yesterday and came across an old post from http://didijusteatthatoutloud.blogspot.com/ talking about the whys of how she got to be overweight, and it made me think about my own story.

And it made me realize that I really need to think about it a lot more.

I'm trying to recall just how I got here, but I don't remember. Which means, this will probably be somewhat rambly as I work to straighten it out, so my apologies ahead of time.

So here we go: I've always been overweight. It's a family thing, from both sides. My brother is the only one not grossly obese. I don't really know why that is because, at almost 32 years old, he doesn't exercise, he smokes, and he eats ONLY fast food, but somehow he doesn't have this struggle. He's maybe (maybe) 20 pounds over weight. My parents and I, on the other hand, were always big, and have gotten bigger as we've gotten older. Same goes for grandma, grandpa, aunts, uncles, cousins... It's a deeply embedded family problem.

I think the first time I remember really and truly being embarassed about my weight was when I was 9 or 10 years old. I don't know if I was really that fat, but I was definitely bigger than my peers. The one memory that sticks out is a photo in my yearbook that year, where I was in the background with my back to the camera. It was the first time I remember thinking, "Oh my God. I'm huge." I had some crazy pants on, which is how I knew it was me, and I used to think that wrapping a sweater around my waist would make my large butt disappear (hey, I was 9!). Rarely since that day have I wrapped a sweater around my waist. And never again did I wear those pants.

I don't know that anyone necessarily knew (or cared) this was me, but I remember feeling absolutely mortified. To top it off, the next year I showed that yearbook to my best friend whom I met in fifth grade (I had moved to a new school) and she confirmed my worst fears by somehow recognizing that back side belonged to me. Of course I fervently denied it, but who knows if she believed me. The point was, I got caught being fat.

I don't really feel like I've ever been obsessed with my weight, per se, but I've definitely thought about it through the years. I've always felt just a little bigger than my peers. In high school I weighed about 185 and remember thinking I would kill myself if I ever got to be 200 pounds. I remember sneaking my mom's "Sweatin' to the Oldies" tapes from time to time to exercise, but I still ate like crap so I never lost weight.

My first year of college I lived in the dorms, near lots of girls who did obsess about their weight, therefore making me always hyper-aware of mine. I felt pretty fit that year, though. I lived on the fourth floor of a building with no elevators, and I had to go in and out of my dorm a few times a day, so I was getting lots of exercise. I didn't have a scale so I don't know how much I weighed, but I was probably in the 180-190 range.

The next year I met my other best friend, who was also a heavy girl. Part way into that year, I got on to a major exercise binge. In the morning I would throw on an hourlong pilates or yoga tape, then go to class or work. In the afternoon, I would head to the gym for an hour of lifting weights and a bit of cardio, then back to class or work. Then at night, BF2 and I would head to the track where we would either do laps, run stairs or what-have-you. Three hours a day, 5 or 6 days a week.

I was still about 190 at this time, despite all the exercise. That's because, in addition to exercising together, we also ate together. It was kind of a game to us. We could easily consume a large pizza and a carton of ice cream, each. Or, immediately after the track, we'd run to Jack in the Box and order strawberry soda and curly fries, essentially undoing our hourlong trackfest. It disgusts me to think we could have eaten that much, but we did, quite often. The thing that gets me is, I really don't know WHY I ate that way. I was really happy, comfortable and confident that year, so I don't know where my desire to bury myself in food came from. Thankfully I was exercising so much or I probably would have ballooned to 300 pounds! I guess I realized in my head that I was eating like crazy and needed to work it off. Oh, and the exercise buddy. That was a major helping factor.

In my third year of college I started to get really depressed after the stress of, well, a million things (I've blocked a lot of it out, but I know a lot of people I loved died in a short period of time, which distracted from my studies, which meant I was doing terrible in my classes, which was hard for me, the honor student, to comprehend). I ended up dropping out of college for a year and moving back in with my parents, where my nightmare of reaching 200 pounds came true. I would have been 21 or 22 at the time. I sustained 200 for a while, vowing to never reach 215. That soon came. I held that off and said, no, no to 220! That came. About three years had passed at this time.

I graduated college and finally got my first place all by myself, no family, no roommates, just me and my cat. I started teaching at that same time, and between being on my feet all the time, eating well since I was cooking for myself regularly, ocassional exercise, and just being generally happy, sure enough I started to lose the weight. It seemed I didn't even have to try and I was down to 205.

Obviously that didn't last forever. I had another series of family deaths, which was topped off by the cat I had for 18 years and the dog I had for 16 years dying within 10 days of each other. I became really depressed again, and that's when my weight started rising, stopping at about 215-220. Then I injured my foot pretty bad at my 27th birthday celebration and was out of commission for seven months, which is how I reached 242 pounds and vowed, for real this time, that I would NOT inch any higher up the scale. Forget a cushion of 8 pounds by saying no to 250, I was done. I hurt, I didn't have clothes that fit, and I was tired of the games.

That's been probably a year ago now. I did really well with losing the weight at first, getting back down to the 225-230 range fairly quickly. Then I got really tired all the time. I would sleep 12 hours at night, sleep through my lunch break, sneak in naps when I could, sometimes fall asleep at work, and STILL be tired. I just thought I was lazy and ended up being really mad at myself. I wasn't gaining weight, but I wasn't losing either. Then we had to go get a physical to pay less for our health insurance at work, and I found out I have thyroid problems, which was the cause for what I perceived as laziness, along with a bunch of other symptoms I had been experiencing and blaming on my shortfalls. That was the end of January.

Within a week of starting my pills I could make it through most days without a nap, so I decided to hire a trainer to help me get back on track. At the end of February, disaster happened and I lost my job. My boyfriend had already been unemployed for quite some time, and I feared becoming homeless. Luckily, grandma needed some help anyway, and I've been living here ever since. With the help of my trainer I got down to 217 before I quit seeing her, broke down, and finally let the depression consume me. Lots of time in my bed, trips to fast food or just not eating, and little to no time at the gym meant my weight slowly started to climb back up.

I caught myself at about 10 pounds up (226.5) and decided to go back to my healthy mentality, and that's where we are today. I made the decision a few weeks back, but actually kicked my ass into gear this week after finally going grocery shopping. It's amazing to me how easy and natural it can be for me to lose weight. When it feels so natural, though, I don't understand why I fall off the wagon, so to speak, so often. I'm a victim to immediate satisfaction: I want food, and I want it now, and Jack in the Box is close and I don't have anything to prepare in the fridge, so let's go. My official weigh in is tomorrow, but I'd venture to guess I've lost about three pounds this week, and I haven't even got myself in the habit of exercising every day, so that's mostly from fixing my eating habits. I hope I can continue in that direction, because I really miss being comfortable in my clothes!

The one thing I can't figure out, and I guess part of the reason I started this blog, is why I eventually fail. If I can lose weight without feeling like I'm torturing myself, then why do I so often throw it all away, start eating fast food again, quit exercising regularly, etc.? I thought if I start writing things down, getting them out into the open in a place where I won't be judged, then maybe I can figure out just what my triggers are.

I feel like I have so much more to write, but this is already pretty long so I'll spare you that and write more later! By the way, I have to issue some pats on the back to myself because I'm so proud of my daily check-ins so far. Of course, now that I've said that, I'm going out of town for the weekend so I won't be checking in. I'll try to tomorrow before I leave, since it's weigh-in day, but then we won't be back till Monday, I think. So, I'm making a promise to myself to check in no later than Tuesday.

Also, if someone reads this with allergies, can you explain the difference to me between allergies and getting sick? I just developed allergies last year, so I can't tell. I feel OK, but my nose is runny and, in my efforts to breathe, there's a ton of pressure building up in my head. I'm thinking it's just allergies since I've been runny for about a month, but it seems a lot of people around here are getting sick, so I'm just not sure...

Have a wonderful night, and happy weight loss!

The fat, it melts...!

2009-10-07T12:27:00.000-07:00

I only really planned on checking in with my weight on Fridays (mostly because I'm not yet ready to make a commitment to daily blogging!), but I do weigh myself every day, just to keep track of my progress and how things are affecting my weight. Usually I'm excited about just a slight change. If I can lose a 1/2 pound every two or three days, then, hey, I've lost 1-2 pounds at the end of the week!

So, imagine my surprise when I stepped on the scale this morning and it was down by FIVE POUNDS. What?! Who loses five pounds over night? I started rationalizing to myself... well, I did eat really well, and I worked out really hard yesterday for longer than normal.... But, no no no, five pounds in one night just doesn't happen. I would love it, but no. So I waited about an hour and went back and weighed myself again, and sure enough it was back up a bit. It instead showed a 2 1/2 pound loss over night, which is still a lot but more believable than five.

My dad has been going to a nutritionist lately (because, of course, this fat curse is a family struggle). One of the things she told him is that real, healthy weight loss, loss that's not coming back, generally happens when you lose 10 percent of your weight every six months. That number seems so small to me. Basically, it should take 7 or 8 months for me to lose 27 pounds and get out of the 200s, by that logic. That's about 35 weeks, so about .75 pounds per week. I guess it's not so bad, since 1-2 pounds per week is recommended and there's bound to be plateaus, but man... that seems like a long time. I'm secretly hoping I'll be able to start the new year as the newest member of the 100s club (gives me all of October, November and December to work, which means a couple good weeks to start me off, then a 2 pound loss each week... yeah, I know, it's asking a lot. As long as I make good progress I won't be upset if I miss the mark a little).

I've never been thin so I don't know what a healthy weight for me is (meaning, a weight I feel healthy at, not a weight that the BMI scale or something else says I should be at). Because of that, and the fact that I have a very large frame (bone scan says so!) and am naturally muscle-y (heavier than fat!), I've made my first long-term goal 155 pounds, and I figure I'll reevaluate at that time. Based on this nutritionist's advice, though, I shouldn't plan to get down to that weight until around July of 2011 if I want to keep it off.

226-October '09
203.4-April '10
183.6-October '10
165.75-April '11
148.3-October '11

Wow. I was thinking a teensy bit sooner than that.

When I weighed 185-190 (back in, um, 2000?), I felt fairly healthy and happy. I knew I needed to lose 25-40 pounds, but I could still participate in activities, I felt comfortable shopping for clothes, etc. etc. Now I pass on a lot of activities because I'm embarassed by how far out of shape I've let myself get, and I despise shopping for clothes. When I'm desperate for clothes, I just go to Old Navy and grab my standbys. In some ways I hate Old Navy jeans because they never quite fit my midsection (always either too small or too big), but at least I know what to expect.

About a year before I started gaining the weight, I discovered how nice it is to have new clothes every once in a while, and went slightly overboard with the shopping (this was when I was working out three hours a day, so I was at the height of comfort with my body). Too soon they didn't fit, though, so now I have an almost new wardrobe waiting in storage for me to reach size 18, then 16, then 14. Then I'll have to start shopping again, because even in high school, at 185, I was a 14.

Aah, memories... How I'd love to be a 14 again! But first, of course, I need to officially work my way out of these damn size 20s.

I challenge yue, to a duel, fatty-fat!

2009-10-06T12:00:00.001-07:00

I know this makes two posts in one day, but it just didn't seem to be related to the other post. Plus, the other was getting a little long. Don't get excited, this won't happen too often!

My boyfriend and I like to match for holidays. It's kind of our new thing. We never really got too into holidays, but last year we decided to go overboard. He was Peter Pan (complete with tights! And he shaved for the first time in years!) and I was Tinkerbell. I ended up having to make my own costume because I was too heavy to fit into anything you can buy. Well, it ended up waaay cuter than anything you can buy, so it worked out, but at the same time it was kind of a blow to my ego that they don't make cute costumes in my size. I can buy something that looks slightly bag-like, but nothing cute.

This year, I had a personal goal to NOT have to make my costume, but instead buy something off the shelf. My boyfriend and I started early (lesson learned from last year), and two weeks ago we came across some awesome costumes. The only problem? Their "plus" size was less plus, more "large." In my head, "plus" should be reserved for 16s, 18s, 20s, and up. This was for a size 14/16. I'm not sure why I distinguish it as such, but to me 14 is just large, not plus. Even 16 is on that border. My rationalization is partially that a lot of clothing manufacturers stop around 15 or 16, so if it's not too big for them to waste fabric on, then it must not be plus. Once I got into an 18 my ability to find clothes was majorly diminished. And my love for Old Navy grew, because they have love for the fat girls.

But, I digress.

Great costume, loved it, tried it on... and it didn't fit. I needed to lose a few inches in the middle to make that happen. From the time I bought it, I had exactly six weeks to lose those few inches, which is realistic for me. My middle is the first place I gain weight, so when I get serious about losing, that's the first place it comes off. And, normally, it comes off fairly quick from there (my legs, on the other hand, just loooove their fat). So I thought, hey, if I drop my recently-acquired, terrible eating habits and return to the good food I love, and if I get back to the gym as opposed to the lazy lifestyle I'm living (and hating), then the chances of me losing it are quite good. Oh, and just in case I don't succeed, as long as I make good progress I can alter the costume (but I want to make good progress because my back is fat right now, so I don't want anyone to have to see that).

The only problem is, as I explained in the last post, roommate from hell, so I lost a couple of weeks. I'm pretty much in the same spot as before, only now I'm down to 3.5 weeks, which is not as realistic. I wish I knew some of those safe, quick weight loss techniques. I've never really paid attention too much because the only way I've ever been willing to lose weight is the healthy way, but now I'd really consider a quick, 3-week slim down plan! For now I'm just going to keep my eating in check and do as much exercise as I can force myself to do (which, being as lazy as I've become, will probably only be an hour a day, a few days a week, to start) and see what happens.

I'm kind of scared because we're supposed to be visiting the boyfriend's sister and that trip, as much as I love it, always involves a lot of sitting and doing of nothing. Especially now that she's almost due (she's pregnant, due later this month). I hope I don't let it sway me.

Honestly, I'm not sure what the inches are equal to as far as pounds. If I could lose five inches from my middle, though, that would be ideal. I'm not as worried about the rest, even though a little bit from all over would be great. The most exciting thing to me is that they actually accounted for my boobs in this costume, which is backward. Normally there's a better chance of fitting my middle then there is of fitting my boobs. I haven't shopped in a while, though, so maybe that's just further affirmation that my stomache and back really have gotten quite fat. Yuck-o, not a good thought.

I'm going to do my measurements pretty soon, so once I do that I'll go ahead and post them. Maybe. I will try, but I know they're horrible so I might wait until I lose 10 or 20 pounds and get to a number I can at least mentally deal with. We shall see what happens!

Food preparations... hours off my life, inches off my waist

2009-10-06T11:34:00.001-07:00

So, off to a horrible start, I was. The short version of my infuriating tale, I have someone staying with me temporarily who likes to eat all of my food. I don't make money for him to eat it, so I quit buying food. Amazing how difficult it is to lose weight when you don't have food choices! I don't like eating Port of Subs every day, so inevitably the fast food places came back in to the picture. And, honestly, I'm just not smart enough yet to figure out how to eat right unless I'm preparing it.

Obviously that had to change, but I wasn't sure how to make it happen with the roommate from hell still under my roof. But, I think I found a way... It takes a ton of time from me once a week, but so far it seems to be working. Basically, I'm taking the time to plan my meals ahead, exactly. What am I having every day for breakfast? Lunch? Dinner? Snack(s)? Which ones will leave left overs? When will I eat those leftovers?

From there, I'm making a shopping list telling me exactly how much of each food I need. So I need 1/2 cup of carrots? OK. One carrot it is. Just 20 ounces of lunch meat? Hey Mr. Deliman, slice me up some happiness (but only 20 ounces, please!).

Even though this is probably the smartest shopping I've done (no waste!), I've never felt more silly. I had tons of vegetable bags in my cart, each with one of these and two of these. The most I bought was four sweet potatoes. One orange, two apples, one mango, four slices of cheese.... Who is this person?

Then I came home, got out my list of meals, and sorted it all into bags with thrilling titles such as "Breakfast, 4x" or "Dinner, Monday/Wednesday." The 4x means I have enough to eat it for four breakfasts (I've never been one on varying my breakfast), but I can eat it whatever days I want. The Monday/Wednesday means I'm cooking it Monday, but I'm counting on eating the leftovers Wednesday, which is when I have class and, therefore, less time to cook.

The time it takes to sit down, decide a week's worth of food, break it down into exactly what I need to shop for, find just those quantities with as little over as possible, then break them down again into daily meals and label them... Well, it's a lot. I won't lie. I think it'll get easier as I get food-smarter, but that day is definitely not today. But you know what?

I started doing this, and I'm already seeing results. I haven't seen results this whole past month, despite working out again (not working out religiously, but working out). Yet somehow, taking control of my food has enabled me to immediately take control of my weight. Who would of thought? (Rhetorical question, kids, I'm not that dense).

That little piece of information is making it a lot easier for me to rationalize why spending so much time is worth it. I haven't decided how I'm going to handle life's curve balls yet, though. This weekend, a trip to visit my boyfriend's sister, will be my first. And I plan on taking my little labeled bags of goodness with me. If they want to eat the same thing, great! We'll go shopping. If not, oh well, you guys eat what you want, and I'll eat what I want. Of course, it's not always feasible to take the pre-planned bags of goodness. I'll have to cross that bridge when I get there. Scary.

Oh, and the best part of this? I think the roomie just might get that I want his grubby hands off my food. Last night he rummaged through my labeled bags, made some comments about it all being separated, and then ate something else. I'm trying not to get too excited because he is a butt munch, so the chances of him eating it later are good (he's respectful when something is new, but as the novelty wears off so does his respect... trust me, I'm trying to get him out of my house. I'm way too nice and he's a good friend of my boyfriend, which is why it's so hard, but we've put our foot down and he's promised to find another home by the end of the month). But, still, at least it's working right now. I just need it to last a month, and then with even a little bit of luck he'll be gone so I won't have to do the labeling thing (even though it's kind of handy).

Tra la la, hopefully things improve!

I want more endings and less beginnings.

2009-08-26T11:16:00.000-07:00

Ay yi yi.... I do so well with getting back on the road to health, and then a road block comes in my way and I'm so easily swayed. Why is that? I don't know how many times I've "started on the road to health" but never make it to my destination. I think one thing about myself I really hate lately is my lack of motivation. I'm tired of it and I want to do something about it. Right now!

I was reading a motivation blog by Jillian Michaels just before this (secretly, I'm in love with her and the show... or maybe not-so-secretly) and she had some pointers: basically, write down the answers to four questions and refer to it whenever your feeling unmotivated. So, here goes nothing:

1) What do I want to change?

Many things. I want to change my body. It's heavy, so my knees hurt, my back hurts, my feet hurt... I hurt, and I really don't want to anymore. I want to feel healthier. I get out of breath far too easily, I can't run to save my life, and activities I used to do without thinking about are now just a bit more difficult. I used to work out for three hours per day, several days a week (yoga/pilates, weight training, cardio). What? Me? You wouldn't know it looking at me now. My entire life I've been just a little bit bigger than everyone, resulting in feeling uncomfortable in my clothes. I want to be comfortable and not feel paranoid about that extra chin, or those extra rolls. I don't want to sacrifice myself because of my fat. I want to embrace life and enjoy it.

2) Why do I want to change it?

I've mentioned a little bit, but I want to change so I can feel better and be comfortable doing things without making a fool out of myself because I'm overweight and out of shape. I want to feel like I'm worth loving, and with every pound I gain, a little bit of my personality diminishes. I want the old me back. When I was younger, everyone called me Frannie. Now, everyone calls me Frances. Coincidentally, when I was younger I was a lot happier with myself. Which is why I say, I want to find Frannie. That happy-go-lucky person I used to be.

3) What will the benefits of making this change be to my body and to my life?

Endless. My knees hurt more with the extra weight. My foot, which sustained a severe injury a few years back, feels the pressure of more than 220 pounds and tells me about it. My heels, too. My back hurts. I lose my breath with sudden movements. I can't hike or climb or swim or ride my bike like I used to. I sometimes hate when my boyfriend touches my body, for fear he'll feel my rolls (like he doesn't know they exist, or something). I'm less social because, who wants to hang out with the fat girl? I want my energy, my stamina and my confidence back.

4) What am I willing to sacrifice to make this change happen?

This is a hard question for me. I feel like I don't have much to sacrifice, since my life has been whittled down. I feel like I've already sacrificed so much of myself, so really I'll be gaining by losing. But, what have I got in return for the loss of me?
*I don't spend much time shopping for or preparing food anymore, so I'm willing to sacrifice more time to return to that.
*I always feel like I don't have money to spend on groceries, so I'm willing to let go of the fast food and start spending it at the grocery store.
*Additionally, I feel like I have no clue what to BUY, so I'm willing to sacrifice some time toward making a shopping list.
*There are days where I spend hours upon hours on the computer, so I'm willing to sacrifice some of my computer time to jump on the treadmill or get outside.

Something that I didn't fit in there, is that I hope to get married and have kids in the next few years. Besides that inner desire to look great on my wedding day, there's also the fact that I want to be healthy throughout my pregnancy, and I want to be healthy for my kids. I don't want to limit their lives because I'm fat and out of shape. I want to be able to take them to the pool, or take them hiking, or take them on a bike ride... basically, do all the things I loved as a child and wish I was still doing today.

So, there it is.... I haven't spent too much time thinking it through, so I may add to this as time goes, but there's the jist of it at least. My next step is to come up with a plan. I do so much better at things when I have a plan, so I need to work on that. What will I spend my time doing each day? When will I eat? What will I eat? How often will I exercise? When will I do it?

Most important, I need to drop these damn excuses and get back to living my life.

At my heaviest, I was about 242 pounds (that might be slightly off because I think my scale was doing weird things at the time, but that's what it said so we'll go with it). I weighed myself this morning and was 226.5 lbs. On the one hand, I'm down from my heaviest so that's good. But, to be honest, I'm really disappointed with that number because a couple months ago I had been able to get myself down to 217. I have recently-discovered thyroid issues and I need to check in with my doctor every two months to get my hormones tested and see how well the medicine is working, and if we need to change the dose. Well, that two-month period recently passed and I still haven't checked in because I'm so much heavier, and I know he'll weigh me, so I'm completely and utterly embarassed. I feel like I can't go in until I get it back down at least to where I was. Something is wrong when you come to a point where you're too embarassed to go to your doctor and get your health in check.

Also, if anyone happens to stumble on this, I would like to know: What is a good way to get the word out about my blog? I feel like I'll be much more likely to keep updating it if I know I have a reader or two. Thanks!